Test.

It’s like there is nothing left. I’m drained.

Between the breeze and the wind, upended.

Struggling against the tide as it drifts away.

Pushing on, step by step, yet sinking and never gaining ground.

The sapped life comes and goes. A moment’s joy evaporates.

I could have been better. It could have been better.

But, it’s not. It isn’t. It could be. I know it could be.

It could also have been far worse. It Feels this way.

Nothing worth doing is easy, right? So they say.

It hurts. It really bloody hurts. Like loss. Yet there’s no loss. Just hurdles.

The sky glows under a bright moon as lanterns drift upwards.

A glimmer. Just a flicker. That hope.

That energy I see in their faces. I can do this. I must. I will.

Just as faiths test their masses, I must believe. I have too much to lose.

For this, I am lucky.

Drip, drop, drip.

Drip, drop, drip, rain begins to fall, 
A soggy blanket over us all. 
Pitter-patter, drop, drop, plop, it’s quite absurd, 
Each raindrop whispers a moistened quiet word.

Many flowers giggle, the trees all prance and dance, 
Worms pop up, taking their chance. 
A puddle forms, a tiny sparkling sea –
A stranded haven for boats made of leaves, yippee, yippee!

Splash, splosh, splish, what a watery flowing treat, 
Raindrops tip-tap-dancing over the street. 
Forget not your brolly, dear old chap, 
Or just you might drown in your very own lap!

The rain it mocks, it rattles, it laughs, it jeers, 
Sneaking down necks, alongside strands of hair, tickling ears. 
But oh, dear rain, you do as you must, 
For without you, we’ll be dry and towels trust.

So drop, drip, drop, and have some fun, 
For when you’re gone and done, out comes the red hot sun. 
But until then, I’ll wear a joyful grin –
And a very large bucket hat to keep you from getting in!

Compassion for all?

Is it possible to argue with some Conservatives? Or near-to-far right fascists? I can’t explain to them, without their true listening and understanding, about why they should care about people other than themselves. I can’t explain that people are people, and getting along is something a communal species should do.

I can’t explain that the “what-ho”, “pip-pip” and “down with this sort of thing” attitude of those who fought wars against oppressive regimes, invasive war machines, and Nazi overlords was for good purpose and to allow us as people to grow freely and fairly.

Stories from the bible, the Koran, and other holy books, alongside children’s tales, often educate and inform us about looking after one another. I don’t know how to tell someone that they should have learned how to be nice. Respect is given, not just earned. Britishness, national pride, and flag-waving has its place. There’s room for it. The problem is: are you proud to wave the Union Flag and St George’s cross when it’s claimed as a symbol of “us versus them”? I was brought up by parents, with input by grandparents, to accept people and respect all. It isn’t difficult. I can even respect Man Utd fans.

Yes, there are differences and clashes of belief. Hence, conflict. Conflicts by world powers playing Team America World Police have knock-on effects. The most visible being refugees. If you bomb for oil or to control an uncontrollable region, in an already divided place, creating a vacuum for absolute bastards to take over with unforgivable and inhumane laws, expect a few thousands of people to leg it.

Where do refugees go? The most appealing and tolerant places must appeal more. Off they pop. Through risks. Through high seas. In the back of trucks. Legal routes. Illegal routes. Whatever it takes. Along the way, lives are shed. Lost. Gone. Babies and children die. Ships sink. Boats fail. Lives are torn apart. And then the lucky ones arrive somewhere welcoming. The really lucky ones get support and they contribute.

Yet, a country that fought the Axis of Evil has its own right wing of hatred, xenophobic distrust, and insecurities. Fear spreads. The participants are sometimes unaware of their manipulation by power and money. And it hurts. It divides. It conquers people who want to get on with life – and live. Life is for living. Why can’t we understand that this way is not the way?

Peace and love. 🐝

Frustration.

Sometimes, it is easy to want to kick back. To give up. To give in. Buckle under pressure. To push it all away and walk off. Head away from everything. The problem is that it matters. And, when it matters, it really matters.

You can’t switch off from it. There is no miraculous light switch, with an option to plunge away that which matters. Nor would you want it to be that simple. Although, a spot of simplification may make a huge difference. Frustrating as it is, burying your head in the sand just wastes time and brings about a tumbling cascade of further frustration.

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, or a decorator, or a trip away. The only certainty in life is death. Everything else is hung on tiny, easily disturbed strings. These variables throw up challenges, barriers, and realisations. They shape expectations and twist the optimistic to the realistic. Deep down the cinders of pessimism, ebb, and flow, waiting for their time to shine. The advice is almost always: don’t let it.

That exclusive advice may seem out of reach. That’s the beauty of pain and the distorted view of solutions: we feel it. Frustration can be overcome. It may not seem that way. Finding your channel out of a stormy ocean is key. Believe. A spot of resilience goes a long way.

Through The Leaves

Through the leaves, voices call out loud;

Beyond the tufted grasses wraps ivy thickly.

Through the greenery trees stand proud;

Along the jagged walls, bramble juts out prickly.

The murky Lancaster canal flows towards the sea;

A summer’s gentle breeze casts along its top.

Tits, swifts, and sparrow fly alongside bee;

Blackbirds hop along the mud and crop.

Feet slapping in the mud sinking slightly;

A fragrance of wild garlic hangs in the air.

Through the gaps and spaces, sun rays beam brightly;

Galloping dogs along the path they share.

Chattering and nattering creaks as trunks rub one another;

Regal flowers attract buzzing and zipping flight.

A ripple waves outwards from cygnets’ mother;

From Lancaster to Glasson Flight, a path wrapped in sights of delight.

Dream/Nightmare

What are dreams?

Broken shards of unfulfilled hope?

A dealer with an empty bag of dope?

Remnants of longed for lifestyles?

The gap along unwanted aisles?

What exactly are dreams?

A blur of shattered imagination?

A squiggle of smudged reflection?

The wings of a squashed mosquito once fit for flight?

Between day and day is there no longer night?

Where are my dreams?

So, if a dream is supposed to be positive, why does a nightmare grow from good news?

Will joyous elation ready for skews?

Is good news a mask for darkness?

Are all answers but a wild guess?

What makes dreams?

Is the craved mountain peak eternally too far to reach?

Is the hourglass open like that of a beach?

Do dawn and dusk merge as one?

Which silent bell tolls for the gone?

So, what are dreams?

STRONG(ER)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Really?

Overused and overly spoken dross.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Parodied aphorism!

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Resilience and affirmation for overcoming adversity?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

“Out of life’s school of war…“

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Twilight of the Idols, an unread book on the shelf I’ve yet to install.

“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”

Friedrich Nietzsche, I don’t believe you.

Take suffering as an opportunity to build strength.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Kelly Clarkson sang about standing “a little taller.”

“Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens.—Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker”

It never feels that way.

Shadow.

I feel the ache.

It’s like a shadow inside of me.

My mind questions.

It’s as if an enigma wrapped around my soul.

The nervous worry.

It’s an endless shadowing movement walking beside me.

Wobbling legs beneath me.

I feel I’m sliding uphill on ice facing downhill.

Not quite right inside.

As if I am a carpet grip with no carpet.

Every doubt exaggerated.

There’s a shadow, and I feel it’ll claim me.

Dreams

“You are never too old to set another goal or dream another dream” – C.S. Lewis

More sleep. More mentoring. More books. More sharing. More new foods. More daring. More paths, yet to be walked. More caring. More cycle rides. More riding. More hugs. More talking. More cuddles. More sliding. More cups of tea. More creating. More cosiness. More time writing. More sunsets. More bearing. More starry skies. More drawing. More laughter. More reassuring. More dog walks. More cooking. More dreams. More learning. More trips away. More cleaning. More togetherness. More feeling. More fun. More dreaming. More devotion. More gleaming. More love. More, more, more.

More than this.

Daring do.

Daring do.

Boldness brought about by fate;

The chutzpah of the moment, raging inflate.

Determination by the bucketload;

Jaw strutting out, standing proud and bold.



Destiny unknown, holding your nerve;

Fearlessness to catch the serve at every swerve.

With courage and dauntlessness;

Batting away fear with dabs of recklessness.



Petty safe ground abound and found;

Hopes and dreams sound around yet downed.

Compliance of darkness swept aside, under a mound;

Chasing away gloomy twilight, each and every black hound.

Life (For Living)

It’s the pull and the push;

The sprinted finish rush.

The days are moving, the days with halts;

The bolt and jolt as nerves send volts.

The twists and turns as drama unfolds;

The seconds of voices delivering their scolds.

The wrestle of conscience whilst conscious;

The admitting of behaviours found stupendous.

The alterations of mindsets and the picking at nits;

The nagging, scriking, and getting on someone’s tits.

The feelings that flow like rivers so strong;

The knowing that we’ll get on fine, get along.

The possibility of possibilities that bubble up and fizz;

The rush, the speed of it, and that wanting to whiz;

The secondhand ticking as the stomach metabolises.

Nerves that swerve and give little of what is deserved;

Results dished out and served.

Only then will we know, which way it shall flow;

But, why oh why, does it feel so slow?

Be Thankful: Merry Christmas

Still here. Others aren’t.

Abused and unloved. Yet I’m not.

Lost souls. With someone, even if apart.

Some have no family. I’m lucky that I do.

Battling cancer and mental health. I’m supporting a few, and there in spirit.

Working and keeping services on point. A holiday from work.

Toxicity surrounding family. Tough at times, but love abounds.

Negative balances and mounting debts. With you all the way.

No hunger to celebrate. Spread love, not hate.

There is no passion for religion and belief. Take a moment to recuperate.

Lost hope, faith, and feelings. Give to others.

There’s only one way of life: Lift your spirits.

Stay positive.

Unseen Variable

It’s not the thing you see and know. It’s the thing they see and know.

It’s the shadow across broad daylight, revealed in radiant rays of newness

It’s the stillness of the pond on a windy day and what lies beneath.

It’s the calm skies ahead of a mighty mammoth of a storm.

It’s the drumming of Earth’s heart, rattling along lines far below the surface.

It’s the invisible rays passing from great solar storms passing through unknown to all.

It’s the grit under tyres and the silt beneath that spins the wheels above to new angles.

It’s the push of the wind against the flow of traffic slowing down the morning commute.

It’s sounds unheard yet given to the air, triggering an avalanche of unlocked actions.

It’s the soliloquy spoken softly to an absent audience ahead of silent auditions.

It’s an array of unseen variables that tangle hairs and twist cotton threads.

It’s not the thing you see and know. It’s the thing they see and know.

R(age)

Bouncing fists off walls.

Endless unappreciated failed triumphs.

Hurdles leaped, barriers removed, all in vain.

Boxes ticked, copies spoiled, followed by new processes.

Old processes retracted, money subtracted, and added, again and again and again.

No longer stopping, looking, and listening.

Hoping for a fight to be put my way.

Not sharing or caring.

Turning milk sour. With a stare.

Deleted. No longer there. Unsent messages.

No worries. No thoughts.

Switched to off.

Void.

Black.

Brother.

What’s done is done. Don’t waste time waiting to be carried on. Get out and join the run. Find that cloud that moves away for sun.

What isn’t done isn’t a dream turned to reality. More is the pity. Witty as you are, zitty as you may be. Cheer on City, sing a ditty. Don’t feel life is shitty.

Live it. Seek it. Find it. Whatever it is. Get out more. See more. Do more. It is what it is. Time flies in a whizz.

Spend it. Spend it wisely. It can be scary and lary or live it fully and happily. Get up early, even on a Saturday.

It’s how you spend it. Like comedy? Choose wit. Like music? Find your hit. Get out of your pit. Grab your true grit.

Choose to live. This life. Now. Friends will come and go. Some live long, and some live slow. You will love some, and some may know.

What are you waiting for?

Weather the storm.

I don’t want to talk about someone in the past tense;

The here and now will do.

Hearing, lustening, feeling across the range of sense;

Being around people presently through and through.

Seeing memorials, farewells, and gatherings of goodbye;

Flowers lay, horse and cart pulling away.

Knelt down by stone, looking up at the grey sky;

Unspoken words not ever able to say.

Wretched dreams unlived and walks unwalked;

Guidance and advice, unable to be dispensed.

Nattering and talks left silent, untalked;

Unable to place arms, no hugs against.

Worry and fear of you no longer near;

Push it aside and stand tall together.

Until the time comes, we must live out every year.

Weather the storm whatever the weather.

The Embrace.

Feel. As much as it hurts.

Fear. For everything you dread.

Worry. About nothing and everything.

Carry. Wherever you go.

However much it hurts…

Lose yourself. But return right back.

Find yourself. Take time to bring love home.

Try yourself. Do it when you feel ready.

Love yourself. Without belief, hope can’t grow.

However much it hurts…

Be confused. Not everything features clarity.

Be afraid. The principles of life bind us.

Be connected. Separately, we feel weaknesses.

Be inspired. Endless possibilities rise with each new dawn.

However much it hurts…

Hear My Problems Only

If I could stop myself feeling, would I tear it out of me?

No, but I would cut this feeling from me.

Dig deeper for focus on possible positives.

If I could remove all the reminders, and the memories to make it hurt less, should I try to silence all?

I need to feel. I need to know. I need to hang onto hope.

No matter how little remains.

If I could wake up tomorrow energised, refreshed, no longer tired and raring to go, would I sleep peacefully now?

I know I can. Yet I can’t. I should. But, I won’t.

I try to release the anger. The pain. The worry.

Should I desperately reach out for hope and determination, clutching it to my heart?

Kick back the snapping, snarling, scrappy black dogs at the feet of my bed.

Today ends soon. Tomorrow starts immediately. Onwards.

Tree Fall.

Amongst the space of a lonely field,

Towering into winds never before perceived,

For many a century, the wood stood unpeeled,

History’s hardest winds never before conceived.



This night, your great winds blew, relentlessly,

Shaking all umbrellas as they wandered,

And sweeping side to side shattered panes carelessly,

Macintosh jackets thought as squandered.



Stood upright, resistant to gales,

Arose squelching sounds to tree roots,

Battered and blustery heaped on, it fails,

Tougher than a pair of old boots.



Creaking and leaning, sinking deep into,

The tree sought to stand hard on the land,

The air blew and grew as the storm did brew,

Tanned tree’s fanned roots sank into sand.



The turbulent gust gave more bursts of force,

Fierce furious and volcanic blasts slammed,

No longer the tree could hold its long course,

Rammed into it and cause it to be dammed.



Tempestuous savagery caused the tree to turn,

Leaves leapt into volatile and quarrelsome air,

Down went all branches as the trunk turned up fern,

Slumped down, did it all without but a prayer.



The ruinous remains of life situated across,

Soon, dies down the storm of the night,

New horizons lay out for its coating of moss,

Once upright, now fitted tight, susceptible to parasite.



The adaptive bole will adjust as best,

The sideways makeover, an alteration,

Its fruits shall bear once more upon its crest,

Should it steady in its newfound acclimation.





Budweiser.

Shimmering shards of shattered semblance

Beneath broken bottles, unwanted emblems

This mark of shame; scattered destruction

The cyclists, aware, swerving the obstruction;

Former bottles tossed, discarded and then some.



We are unneeded. Before this day

We were used, emptied, paid for, on display

Gave joy, and felt sorrow and now we lay wasted

On the croft, forgotten.



Pick a battle with our handlers so:

To you and your unforgivable hands we know

To decay, expenditure and ruin, with lost opportunity.

Broken faith in our use to your community

We no longer hold your golden ale, or darkest stout

On the croft, forgotten.

Some.

Sometimes, I feel backwards. Some hours, all I touch breaks. Some weeks last longer than others. Some days, a storm becomes an argument. Some moments fade to anger. Some challenges become impassable mountains. Some paths cut off. Some routes have new walls. Some connections tear apart. Some green turns to black. Some perfumes rot in sunlight. Some rainbows wash away. Somehow, I can’t walk away.

Like yesterday

Was it yesterday we last met? Or, the week before? What? Over four years?! Unbelievable! It feels just like yesterday.

A new place with a new arrangement? Feels homely and familiar. I’ve never been here, yet it fits like a glove. Incredible! It feels just like yesterday.

Older paws and fresh tails. New photos and shirts and books and electronics. Similar but different games. Same old, same old. It feels just like yesterday.

Same voices, different figures. Hearts and minds open or closed. Warmth, deeply felt friendship. Experiences gained through tales and moments unmatched. It feels just like yesterday.

Hugs, handshakes, and cheers. One for the road. A night cap. A natter. It all matters. It’s irrelevant until it’s relevant. A proud writer talking to a writer. Audiences growing. It feels just like yesterday.

Congratulations and commiserations. Job done. Here’s to another one. Not too many years away next time. Days instead. Open doors and invites. It feels like it will be tomorrow.