Pinochet, Mandela & Corbyn went into a bar…

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste

“At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.” Darth Maul – Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace

If you read newspapers such as The Sun, The Telegraph and The Daily Mail, you may have noticed a theme. Obviously, they serve the right wing of politics more than the left. In turn they influence mainstream media – and often they are backed by the BBC – a national service and institution rife with bias. It usually goes something like this: Jeremy Corbyn loves Hamas; Jeremy Corbyn hates Jews; Jeremy Corbyn likes the IRA; Jeremy Corbyn is friends with Hezbollah; Jeremy Corbyn ate my hamster. To many in the press and the established media, Jeremy Corbyn is a terrorist sympathiser. The same press may have spun a rhetoric of peace-loving Saudi Arabia with absolutely no mention of their use of British arms against civilians. News is replaced by opinion all too often. People read and watch it.

“People who dish out anti-Semitic poison need to understand: you do not do it in my name” – Jeremy Corbyn, BBC News, 4 August 2018

Terrorists usually have a reason for being nasty bastards. They’re often fighting for their ideals and their freedom. Sometimes they go overseas and inflict the worst of evils upon their chosen enemy. Often there is no clear black and white reasoning. The areas that those labelled as terrorists can be grey and unclear. Can a one-sided view be applied? Can we really just say that we oppose something or support something? What if one area overlaps the other? Che Guerava was okay, a little, right? Karl Marx was Jewish yet Corbyn likes him… how does that work?

The Conservative Party of today love slinging shit at Labour’s leader Jeremy Corbyn. They openly accept that General Pinochet and Margaret Thatcher was an acceptable friendship. They even rallied against his war crime convictions. A spot of Conservative whitewashing and overlooking of Nelson Mandela’s ANC because they were terrorists in the eyes of the Conservatives. Jeremy Corbyn and one-time Prime Minister Gordon Brown are known to have stood against apartheid. The Conservatives sent junior David Cameron (again a future Prime Minister) and others on a jolly piss-up to a fragmented South Africa. They offered nothing supportive and today they know little better. Perhaps they still wear their ‘Hang Nelson Mandela’ badges in private for old times’ sake?

If you oppose dropping bombs, suddenly you’re a terrorist sympathiser. Is talking with historically and aggressively anti-semitic organizations Hezbollah and Hamas so far-fetched? They must be engaged if any peace process or dispute can be brought to a conclusion. Obi-Wan Kenobe impersonator Jeremy Corbyn is against Britain’s nuclear deterrent Trident. That’s understandable if you prefer peace and love, over weaponry. Also, imagine the funding that would be made available for social and public services. Noodle munching Jeremy Corbyn may not be a warmongering wager of destruction, but he does seem to listen. He’s even entertained the idea that homeopathy needs more research. He acknowledges Cuba’s flaws – and those of Cuban President Fidel Castro, but he supports more international integration and commitment to global ties. And, Jeremy Corbyn is hit with libel, for no good reason, other than to tarnish his name – which the papers did give a later retraction. I mean, who actually watches the Queen’s speech these days, and who cares about if a leader of the opposition watches the speech?! One to watch, I guess.

“The death of Osama bin Laden was a tragedy.” – David Cameron, Conservative Party conference, 7/10/2015

The word terrorist has terror inside it for a reason. Terror invokes fear. Fear creates a fight or flight mechanism – and often the fight is in words or manipulation of words to influence people. The word terrorist is so strong that it makes us switch off. We only think of grim and horrid events. The September 11th attacks on New York and the Pentagon are some of the instant images. Such horror and fright as recent London Bridge attacks and pain. We no longer consider that one man’s terrorist may well be another man’s freedom fighter.

Manchester is no stranger to terrorism. The IRA detonated a bomb in June 1996, four years after a series of dangerous bombs. We received a refurbished shopping centre and it brought our city much closer together. The biggest bomb detonated in Great Britain since World War II ranked third in terms of economic loss. Thankfully nobody died. Around 212 people were injured physically and more psychologically. Russia played Germany at Old Trafford the next day. Manchester’s resilience was tested. Life went on. The IRA regretted causing injury. The day itself was horrible and fear gripped the city. Panic spread. As my family and I jumped on a train out of the city, a sparkling mushroom cloud hovered over the city. There was no wireless internet and mobile phones were few and far between. Car alarms rang through the shattered air and the sound of the blast still filled my head. We were all worried, not because of the bomb, but because we wanted to know where my Gran was. We’d been due to meet less than a mile from where the blast had happened. Thankfully Gran was at home safe and sound. In 1975 the Provisional IRA also bombed Lewis’s department store. The Troubles have passed their worst days, but these dangerous times could bring them back. Hate is growing. We must act against it.

On the 22nd of May 2017, I woke up to find news that Manchester had been attacked and many people were dead or injured. I cried. My head filled with dread. Little by little news emerged of the senseless and radical disgrace. More than 800 people faced hospital treatment. 22 innocent and beautiful lives were taken. They were all out at the Manchester Arena to enjoy music and arts, with Ariana Grande performing. From horror and shock, what followed was nothing short of pure love and care. Manchester found its heart torn open and agony its company, yet people from far and wide came forwards with love and support. Shelters, taxis, residents, hotels, temples and more opened their doors. The Muslim Council of Britain condemned the attacks. People listened and acted calmly on the whole. A five-fold increase in anti-Muslim hate crimes followed for a month but largely Manchester came together slowly and surely. Manchester – a City United.

“You cannot pursue peace by a cycle of violence” – Jeremy Corbyn, BBC News, 14 August 2018

“Freedom fighters do not need to terrorise a population into submission,” former U.S. President Ronald Reagan told the American people in a 1986 Radio Address to the Nation. In that same realm of thought, the media and news reporters don’t need to sling so much shit and accusations of terrorism sympathy about potential future leaders? Isn’t sitting down with the other side, or all concerned groups a way to understand? Don’t we need more dialogue to stop airstrikes on hospitals in far off lands? Didn’t we as a nation have Sir Winston Churchill speak bolding about fighting on beaches, in our streets and never ever giving up? Is guerrilla warfare justifiable and objective if you have a cause and belief? Or should you submit to those who walk over you? Should we question who is the real terrorist? Who defines them?

“Roof it again. Batten down. Dig in. Drink out of tin. Know the scullery cold, a latch, a door-bar, forged tongs and a grate.” – Lightenings, a poem by Seamus Heaney (read by Mr Mack to our secondary school class at Reddish Vale Technology College after the bombing in Manchester – to show that whilst some people can do bad things, the great things need more time in the eye of the people)

Language is a powerful thing – and with the power of language we must be accountable and responsible. There is no need for hurling manure in this day and age. It is cheap and populist. It is divisive and causes acrimony. If you’re going to represent the people, at least do it fairly. Using their language of fear is a terror in itself.

“No, not death: birth.” – The Satanic Verses – a  novel by Salman Rushdie.

So, is Jeremy Corbyn really the enemy? I won’t preach. I’ll let you think.

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

The Red Blue (or is it a Blue Red?)

78531392_582334829206983_7948421672325873664_n你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste

I’ve never interviewed and election candidate before. I’ve never really given any questions to any political representative unless you count pinging a tweet at President Trump in anger.

Being located in China and taking into account the eight-hour difference, I finally pinned down Brahma Mohanty. Had I have been clever enough, we could have discussed politics during summer in depth over ice cream at Ginger’s Emporium in Affleck’s Palace, Manchester. Back then the world was a different landscape and Brahma wasn’t due to stand as a Labour party representative. Bizarrely, I did feel and tell him that’s where his future will be if he so wants it. So, here we are at the last broadcast (of the day).


 

Isn’t politics boring?

Brahma shakes his head. He knows my question is tongue in cheek, yet he comes back with a dismissive answer like a knife to my jugular, “In many ways football and politics can be the same. Both can be complex and dramatic. We can be perplexed. When things work, we can be exhilarated, and I think it something that we can all be passionate about. If we don’t have a say it affects us all in our everyday lives. Whether it is accessing the best healthcare or public transport – or the economy affecting pricing on everyday things and even the cost of a football game ticket.”

davI need a bit of an education. Is Brexit worth worrying about?

“Just as how these are turbulent times for Manchester City on the pitch, it is the same within British politics,” Brahma has tailored his answer to catch my interest. Off he goes again, “Now is the time to get involved and the stakes couldn’t be any higher, in terms of this election. The results will determine how Brexit is resolved. There could be a crash out of the EU with a hard Brexit. There could be a gentle yet painful Brexit with a deal that is favourable to few. Perhaps, a renegotiation that protects our workers and our rights – with a final say on the matter can be agreed. I believe Labour can offer this.”

Brahma is blue City fan. He’s also red (for Labour). I’ve heard City fans say that the vote the Conservative party because they’re blue. Politics is a contentious domain. Was choosing to represent the Labour party a difficult choice?

“Not at all,” Brahma confidently swats the question a swift reply. He continues, “Since my parents came here in the 1970s, they have voted in every election that they have been able to vote in. Now my parents weren’t necessarily politicos but they always identified more with Labour. Labour’s position on inclusivity, respecting and advocating a multicultural society gave my parents, as Indian immigrants, a voice. Britain back then wasn’t always a great place to be in but they felt that the Labour party were for them, more so then other party groups.”

So, it came as a natural selection to stand with Labour?

BManchester city centre 12th July 2017 (78)rahma beams with pride, “My family have had a longstanding involvement with the NHS, which as you know was created by Labour. Commitment to values of equality for all, whether within education, housing or healthcare were followed by my family. That has been influenced upon me deeply by my family. Supporting the Labour party when I was first eligible to vote allowed me to be in touch with society in a very inclusive way. I grew up in a region of the world where the Labour party has always been very well represented. Manchester has a great history tied to Labour’s roots and the left-wing side of politics.”

How confident are you right now?

“I’m confident that I am going out there now,” Brahma replies, “giving a positive message about that I and the Labour Party have to offer, and offering the people of my potential constituency and also across the country in marginal seats a positive progressive vision in contrast to what we’ve had to put up with in terms of austerity and the Conservative Party for almost a decade. I’m confident that this message is getting out there to our people. Obviously, we won’t know until the final polling results next week.”

What difference can you make?

wx_camera_1533826817200“In terms of difference of what I can make,” Brahma’s eyes lock on mine, deeply showing his passion in his words, “I will advocate for the policies I’ve mentioned before. We need a much more strongly and robustly supported NHS – to ensure that everyone has the best access at the point of need. Further investment into public transport, will enhance connectivity, and improve logistics whilst assisting to combat climate change. Less cars will mean less fuel and less carbon emissions – but for that we must have an efficient public transport system that isn’t seen as grimy, unreliable and aged.”

Why did you choose to set a course into the world of politics?

“Drawing on all my personal experiences,” Brahma shuffles in his seat, dropping words from his soul with confidence, “whether, it was growing up in and around Greater Manchester, my involvement within Labour and in terms of overcoming barriers and obstacles, which I’ve had to encounter quite a lot. Not just in terms as a person of a different ethnicity, but also with regards to my disability and mental health issues. TV shows such as The Last Leg and London 2012’s great Paralympic games have really swayed people’s opinions and moved us away from the term disability to realise that everyone with a disability have real genuine abilities to shine. Whilst these things may have prevented certain times of my education and career, I want to draw on my personal experience to lead and set an example by applying it to my role within the Labour party team. I want to demonstrate that anything is possible. People don’t need to be held back. Nothing is impossible with our own powerful minds.”

What are your beliefs in terms of the NHS?

P70821-144016“As I have mentioned about the NHS, it obviously needs more than a lick of paint,” Brahma states. He pauses before carrying on, “It needs a greater level of funding to ensure that we can maintain a high standard of care and assistance. Despite a decade of under this awful austerity-driven government, the NHS is still regarded as great institution domestically and overseas. It is often cited as one of the best systems in the world – if not the best healthcare system on Earth. As a Labour candidate and the Labour movement, we want to ensure that this is always the case. It cannot be privatised and sold off, to make needless profits. We’re proud of the NHS legacy – and want future generations to have the support and fallback of the NHS with them from birth to death. It makes Britain great.”

And how do you feel about the hotbed that is the railways?

hdr“Railway networks need improving to allow people to get from A to B. Our commitment to combating climate change, means we need less cars on the road and with that less carbon emissions from fossil fuels. An improved transit system such as national railways or tramlines within cities, gives people the chance to make use of an efficient system of transport. That’s the bedrock of what we believe in, in terms of improving public transport.”

For the current and potential students out there, may I ask your views on tuition fees?

Brahma’s educated answer follows, “Scrapping tuition fees stops people from being put off by further education. You shouldn’t be stopped from learning because you can’t afford to attend university. Let our people in Britain pursue their degrees and careers that they wish to. Do we want an enhanced talent pool in our country?”

Can a Mancunian truly represent people from a completely different region?

olympic celebration 2012 (26)“As a Mancunian, I can bring the spirit of never say die, hardworking determination and grit, and I suppose politics is like the current Man City team, international, diverse and going out there each week wearing the badge and colours in pride. The last decade has been the most successful period for City. I can take example from that. You don’t necessarily have to have been born in a place or from the area to advocate the best for the people there. We’re all people at the end of the day. Manchester has the People’s History Museum – a kind of de facto unofficial museum of the Labour party and the Labour movement. Not far up the road in Rochdale, we have the birthplace of the Cooperative movement. I believe that there is a museum there too. Manchester and the industrial past have been a hotbed of socialism. That naturally influenced upon me. Like the industrial revolution, Manchester’s reach has been global – and doesn’t seek to impose itself unfairly.

There are 650 seats in the House of Commons. That’s 650 possible MP positions. Why Surrey Heath?

“Coming into an area like Surrey Heath, with a fresh pair of eyes can be very beneficial, “Braham affirms. “Being able to draw on my own experiences from my time working and living away from Manchester, I can apply this to the role. Just like in a sports team, each woman, man or youth player brings a different set of skills and talents – whether international or locally-born, they all sit under one banner representing their team with pride. And I’m not just talking Manchester City! This could easily be that of England – in rugby or football terms, amongst a whole host of teams.

326 seats are needed for a majority party to assume a government. With the last few elections leading to coalition governments, do Labour have a chance for a majority party government? How do you view the opposition?

“In terms of the opposition, I’m unhappy with what I see in terms of a decade of austerity that has really affected British society. Homelessness is on the rise, armed force members – past and present, lack real support, young people can’t afford to get onto the property ladder, more people are renting than ever before, or even still living at home with parents. There’s an increased use of foodbanks. This climate of austerity has led us to where we are. Do we want to be here?

The ill-feeling created by austerity is, I believe, what drove people to vote for Brexit. This conception that it was immigrants from within the EU and beyond were to blame for issues domestically, when in fact, it was as a result of Conservative-led austerity, in coalition with the Liberal Democrats. The terrible thing with the Brexit is not only has it impacted on the U.K.’s economy, the value of the pound sliding, but it has created an uncertain job market. Businesses are feeling the instability. It has created divisions and tensions. In the last three and half years, hate crime has increased, whether racist, anti-Semitism, homophobic, transphobia, Islamophobia, or other abuses. Brexit has unleashed a lot of bad characters, looking to put their views upon the majority of us – giving a footing for the far right. Do we really want to lose our neighbourhoods to hate?

I feel that the opposition should be held accountable for these divides and the rise of hate. I hold them responsible for what we have right now. An era of tension and division that has now led us to have a General Election, at this time when most of Britain could be better suited to enjoying Christmas – but under such circumstances, we’re hopping outside in the cold weather to cast votes. Simply put, the country is at a crossroads. We are in a period of uncertainty. ”

In what is a safe seat (historically) do you feel you have that extra sparkle to really challenge the established MP?

“Do I have that extra sparkle? I’m under no illusions that this is and always been a very safe and stable Conservative seat since its creation,” Brahma straightens up his body. He is now looking very serious. “I focus on the best possible message that I can provide, which is a positive progressive message as an alternative to the austerity-driven policies like those offered by the Conservative party, like figures such as Michael Gove have been at the foreground promoting – and indeed Surrey Heath, like much of the country was divided upon Brexit, so I’m offering a progressive view on that. I want to avoid a focus on appeasing those who voted for Brexit, or those who seek to revoke Article 50 whilst ignoring the concerns of those who voted for Brexit. The Labour party is committed to supporting the 100%. What we’re saying is, that we’re unhappy with the deal that has been carried back by Boris Johnson from the EU, which offers no assurances on the economy, business, workers’ rights, or job protection. What we’re saying, if we get into power, we want to renegotiate the deal with the EU. Once that has been done, we want to do what we believe, the most democratic thing of all – and put that information and ultimately the decision to the British people. Some may say that we have already voted on this matter, and that was the end of that. In some respects, yes, I can understand people feeling that way but at the same time, none of us could put our hands on our hearts and say that even now, we knew exactly what Brexit will or has meant. The referendum needed clarity and clear discussion. In 2016, did we have the right information? Given that the picture and the landscape of the Brexit decision has changed many, many times. Many of those who have backed a no deal have flipped sides. Many of those who voted for Brexit have changed their minds. The processes have been complex and unclear to many. I don’t think that it is unfair or irrational to say that the British people should have the final say upon our future following our negotiations because this is something that is going to affect our people in the here and now – and for future generations.

Individuals must be registered to vote by midnight twelve working days before polling day. That point has now passed. I Does voting really matter?

“I think it is absolutely essential to vote now,” Brahma’s head is full of ice, yet I can sense his belly is full of fire. He resumes, “Those who can vote, must vote. As I have stated before, this General Election is because of Brexit. It has been almost a century since we had an election of this kind in December! Brexit is probably the biggest event to affect this country since the end of the Second World War. The effects will be felt by the British people for years to come and it will have an impact not only British society but on Britain’s standing in the world. It is absolutely imperative that of you have a view on this matter – and you’re eligible to vote, that you cast your vote. Obviously, I’d hope that they would vote for the Labour party, but it is more important to vote on this matter knowing that by not doing so, you’ll be losing your say on Brexit, the NHS, the future of transport within the UK, housing, or the homelessness crisis. Voting is such an important part of the democratic process. It is one that many people have fought for and died over. All around the world people still continue to do so. It is vital to be part of that process – especially now as we reach a very marked point in the road for Britain’s place in the world.”

 Just to be clear, I personally assigned a proxy vote via my mother in Manchester.

 Much is being made of the power held by younger voters. Can younger voters make a difference to their regions?

“This is the first time that those born after 2000 will get a chance to vote. This will affect their futures more than anyone else. Cast your votes. Listen to the debates from all sides. It is so important that younger people embrace politics. Get involved.”

SAMSUNG CSC

Finally, do you have any further comments to make?

“It is vital that people vote. The key issue is Brexit. That’s why we’re having a General Election on a cold winter’s day. Just like the last General Election, people must have their say. Whilst some party groups say that will get Brexit done or conclude the matter, it is worth noting that the Conservatives have had three Prime Ministers since the referendum and are no closer to resolving the impasse one way or another. Only the Labour party is offering a viable proposal to this. At the same time, our policies are far more than the NHS. We have focuses on the NHS, improving public transport, looking after our elderly communities, scrapping tuition fees and so on.”

Brahma can see that my attention needs a kickstart. He glibly closes with a statement, “Politics is just like football. It has highs and lows. It has moments that we will remember for a lifetime and there are times that leave us completely stunned. Just like Vincent Kompany’s goal against Leicester City last season, or Aguero’s last minute winner against QPR in 2011/12, you can feel such highs in politics as well. It only works with involvement and togetherness – making that contribution. People must be involved. I support progressive values with the Labour party. We must fight for the many and not just the few. As I always say, one of our great sayings within the labour movement, by the strength of our common endeavour we achieve more than we do alone. That underlies any team sports, just like at City. Yes, some has come due to investment, but investment alone won’t create a team. Everybody has played an important role in the club, behind the scenes and across the field – and that’s how Labour must be. We need a team for all.”

Andrew Marr, I am not. Thank you kindly for your time Brahma Mohanty – and best of luck for Election Day 2019.

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

 

Walking on eggshells

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste

“I don’t pretend to be a gentleman, but I am entitled to paint what I see.” – Interview tapes with G B Cotton & Frank Mullineux (undated) L. S. Lowry – A Biography by Shelley Rhode

Free Pussy Riots was the best banner that I ever witnessed at a Man City game. The cardboard boos shown to UEFA were a close second. Is protesting and politics at home in sport?

“Hey John, how can you be so ignorant to China and H.K.?” – someone asked me this today, in China. And like anything else political here, I replied with, “This is not the place to have this discussion and I am not prepared to carry on.” I also wanted to say that I refuse to influence people in China – and I do. It is not my job to meddle in politics and the policy of China. Of course, I have an opinion. I have beliefs but I also have the wisdom to know that you cannot tickle a tiger’s balls and expect to get away with it.

So, NBA has gone down a bit in China due to comments on social media. Politics and sports cannot be mixed these days – and certainly not on mediums such as Twitter. At a Philadelphia Sixers game versus Guangzhou Loong Lions, a fan and his wife were ejected for shouting their views on Hong Kong. The Wells Fargo Center court is located in as Francis Scott Key said, “the land of the free”. The American national anthem features something similar, right? Well, sport, has a long-winded and painful view of politics and freedom. To cut a story short, great moments of history such as the 1968 black power movement stand out in history – because they signify defiance and stand for belief. It wasn’t part of the running material and matchday programme. Tommie Smith and John Carlos have statues on the San Jose State University campus grounds. They joined in the 2008 Global Human Rights Torch Relay which ran in parallel to the Beijing Olympics torch.

Protests affect more people than you often know. They send little and big ripples, visible and invisible, left, right and centre. One NBA tweet, by Houston Rockets’ coach Daryl Morey, who retracted it, has been slammed by President Trump.

In China, Chinese sponsors have suspended their ties with NBA clubs. The TV channels have removed tonight’s games and other games from the schedules. Since then NBA Commissioner Adam Silver defended Morey’s right to tweet as he wishes. San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich backed him up, “He came out strongly for freedom of speech.” NBA fans in China are backing their country over their love for the game of basketball. Most fans here demand an apology before they carry on their love affair with America’s basketball. A huge repletion of one quote can be found seemingly everywhere, “China-U.S. relations began with ping-pong, and they’ve ended with basketball.” What President Nixon did in 1971 is being undone by a closed-shop sports league that usually puts capital over principals.

What’s the story, Mr Morey? Well, he later added a post to the affects of a desperate boyfriend who has shunned the love of his life. Basketball is huge in China. China is huge. Almost every garden, park or recreation area has a court, or two, or more. The Chinese Basketball Association believes 300 million people play the sport. I feel that is an understatement. From school bus drivers to security guards to uncles minding their grand kids, and the other more expected hoop-throwing youths, it is everywhere. It dominates ball sports here. Rugby Union played its part in Apartheid; the Munich massacre happened; LGBT rights protests surrounded the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia; 8 nations (including China) boycotted the 1956 Olympics in Australia after Russia were suspended for invading Hungary; China boycotted two other Olympic games (’64 as China had entered the Games of the New Emerging Forces (GANEFO);’80 due to USSR’s invasion of Afghanistan); the massacre at Tlatelolco happened; but overall sport is essential to world relations. Now, NBA is thrust into the limelight (unlike South Park, removed from search histories).

As NBA has been met with displeasure, some hot heads have used stronger language and hate as their reply. That’s not on. It can’t be that way. How can we all find a common path to the future if we don’t talk? For some fashion and perfume brands, China is not a good place to trade now. Keeping quiet has more of a benefit than losing potential custom. Sport is the same. Discrimination is bad. The vulnerable, the needy and those subject to abuse because of prejudices need a voice. Colour, race, ethnicity, religion are always topics which will need sensitivity. But, on the other hand, how far do you believe in your freedom of speech? And right now, many brave souls are stepping up.

Whether with Extinction Rebellion at London City Airport, or forming a rather large Tibet flag at a French football game… even a 91-year-old called John has been arrested, complete with a walking stick. Of course, Liverpool FC faced opposition to their attempt to trademark the name of Liverpool, and also when they drove local property values down in a bid to buy the properties for cheaper later – because commercial development is where it is at. But, we must look at the other side of the conversations too. China may be huge but its 5000 years of civilisation as been invaded in many places, colonised and used as a factory. Now it gathers strength enough to speak out loud. China sings from the same hymn sheet – and mostly through pride in identity. Other countries are often divided – split and messy, yet they all like to shout about how it is done.

Sport is a great friendship tool. It bridges division and cultures. Iraq play football and could face Nepal, equally they could host Australia or Qatar. England can travel to Scotland, Sweden or Slovenia. The game of football, like basketball and other such sports can influence and deepen relations. Claimed sovereignty, national interests and cultures can be better understood. When two differences are clear, then dialogue can be heard – or silenced. Boycotts and closure won’t help every battle. Tolerance is not even enough. We must be careful in this day and age, as people, not to shout abuse and close our minds.

For me, I’d like to view Tibet first hand, and see the region. I will remain neutral. I’d like to speak about Hong Kong, but I won’t. I must remain neutral – Hong Kong is part of China – and the days of it being a British colony are long gone. This is a matter for the people of the affected regions and not the former occupants and their Union Flag. I’m here in China as a guest. A foreigner who feels foreign and is always reminded that I’ll never be local or Chinese. I know where I stand. That’s fine. It is accepted. I’m just trying to make a living and find a way to get onto the U.K. property ladder in my home country that is also far from free. I want to be like Mel Gibson’s William Wallace and say something like he did in the movie Braveheart, “I came back home to raise crops, and God willing, a family. If I can live in peace, I will.”

East and West are crashing together like heavy waves on a shoreline susceptible to costal erosion. For those of us living between the two, we have to knuckle down and work, without tickling any tiger’s testicles – and keeping the burning heat of tiger balm far away from our balls.

“I look upon human beings as automatons because they all think they can do what they want but they can’t. They are not free. No one is.” – Maitland Tapes-interview with Prof. Hugh Maitland 1970 L. S. Lowry – A Biography by Shelley Rhode

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

John Barnes or John Terry?

The Inktober day 2 picture has nothing to do with today’s post…

 

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste

We have all heard something like, “I’m not racist but…” and then the sentence ends with something about going on holiday to Benidorm (Spain) and drinking Carlsberg, from Denmark, whilst wearing boxer shorts, made in China. Oh, and driving a Lada with your Indian friend who runs a takeaway. But, that isn’t my point. The point today is racism.

I’m white or Caucasian, or whatever you want to call me. My family heritage doesn’t involve a tribal background or slavery, to my knowledge. I haven’t been persecuted for being Hispanic or had my genetics questioned. I’m not Aryan, Semitic or Hamitic, and if I was, I wouldn’t care too much. I believe that I am human and like people born in Mongolia, Manhatten or Morecambe, I will treat all the same. If they wear a Man Utd shirt, they will earn my disgust. I couldn’t care if you have a Polynesian, Maori or Australoid ethnographic background, you’re sound with me as long as you don’t wear Giggs, number 7.

We live in a very politically correct age and people nowadays are exposed to more and more social media than ever before. Things are tweeted or written and appear instantly to a near global audience. Anyone can show the likeness between Kevin De Bruyne and Tintin or the Milky Bar Kid, or can they? Can Shaquille Rashaun “Shaq” O’Neal do that? Why did I choose Shaq? Well, he is hugely influential, rescued Nike in some ways and people idolise him. But, he isn’t a friend with Kevin De Bruyne, so it would be unlikely that he would think of such a comparison.

The punishments in football for racism are weak. For a game in October 2018, Padiham were fined £165 for leaving the field. Why did they leave? The Congleton end were racially abusive. Congleton had to pay £160. Okay, it is a lower level, but it reflects UEFA and FA fines or punishments in a way. Leeds goalie Kika Casilla is accused of racially abusing Jonathan Leko, but like the John Terry versus Anton Ferdinand matter, it will be a weak outcome. Terry had a £220,000 fine and a 4 game ban. Somehow, Anton’s brother Rio tweeted that Ashley Cole was a ‘Choc Ice’ (white on the inside?) to give Rio a £45,000 fine. The recent year has seen over 30 instances presented to the F.A. There is a rise in line with crimes committed outside of football. The social problem goes on. The guy saluting Hitler in the stands against City yesterday, he definitely was racist.

Hitler mk. 2 nominee Bernardo Mota Veiga de Carvalho e Silva, has just been found guilty of an ‘aggravated breach’ of misconduct rules. This relates to a social media post that he made. Bernardo, was raised in the colonial powerhouse that is Lisbon, a place that gave football and S. L. Benfica the legendary Eusébio. Born of Portuguese Mozambique, Eusébio da Silva Ferreira, was often nicknamed the ‘Black Panther’, much like the name of a Marvek Superhero. Did Eusébio’s statue outside Benfica ever envisage that one day a famous son of the club would be embroiled in a racism scandal?

Fast forwards from Benfica, and Benardo Silva has played from Monaco and Manchester City. He shares a close relationship with his probable best friend with Benjamin Mendy. There is banter and there are jokes. Some are shared on Instagram and Twitter in the public domain. One implies Mendy is completely naked whilst being dressed in black. Now, hands up, is that observational humour, racism or just something people say to each other? I mean white guys at school said the same to me when I was dressed in white, and guys of other ethnic origins have said the same since. I didn’t feel abused – let alone racially abused. Bernardo has since used Twitter to share a chubby looking kid (Mendy) and Conguitos character with the words, “Guess who?” and two emoticons.

Are the smell yellow people (Minions), the Simpsons and other cartoons racist? Is shoehorning in a character racist because the original period of time or that story didn’t have enough ethnicity racist? The Spanish chocolate peanut brand Conguitos has been accused of racism for a long time. Conguitos means ‘Little Congans’ – a generalisation of many tribes from the Congo basin. Conguitos, have a white and chocolate version. Like Robertson’s jams and the characters that they used (golliwog, now simply golly), good education and conversation has helped eradicate such a silly character. Rather than dish out bans and fined, education and conversation should be key.

“I think he looks like a young Mendy. I don’t see what the issue is. This has got nothing to do with racism. They are friends. Regardless of whether it looks like Mendy or not, why is that offensive?” – John Barnes, former Liverpool and England footballer – and now racist sympathiser

So, how do we punish this? The FA have a 6-match ban, as a minimum for on field racism, with an education programme. Nazi-saluting Wayne Hennessy had the book thrown at him and that set a precedent. Allo, Allo never had any repeats in the Hennessy household. German team-mate Max Meyer would have corrected him rather than posting the photo, right? Anyway, with that innocent shout for a waiter from behind a group of people posing for a photo, and the arm in the air, Hennessy is desperate to learn about Nazis, according to a fellow white man. Did the actions and photograph bring the game into disrepute? Yes, but no, but, yes, but no.

“Football doesn’t have a racism problem, it has a denial of racism problem. John Barnes and Pep Guardiola’s claim that Bernardo Silva did not tweet a racist image of team-mate Benjamin Mendy is nonsense” – @BenHCarrington, Professor of Sociology & Journalism

Teammate Raheem Sterling, so often the voice against racism, and a sensible mature voice at that, defended Bernardo. Not that this makes it right, but it does kind of give a character reference from someone slated by social media abuse – and actual media abuse. With a possible ban, somehow being talked into the scene and players like De Bruyne out injured, who is to benefit? Raheem Sterling, of course! It’s all a big conspiracy. No, it isn’t! It us a huge witch hunt – and mostly for those who want to add their two pennies worth. The money and time spent on this matter is stupendous. There is actual racism out there, by fans, by groups, by clubs, leagues and nations… Don’t be complacent, be proactive – or we’ll join the global list of fascism in football time and time again.

Yids, as used by Spurs fans, and against Spurs fans is a term, I’ve heard countless time in recent years. You can buy Conguitos on Amazon as easily as seeing money leaking from the Premier League’s inclusion campaign and Kick It Out, football’s equality and inclusion organisation, duplicating their tasks. Xenophobia and racism are in the game, from grassroots upwards. We’re too dismissive. The game has a Black and Asian Coaches Association (BACA), in a way that is similar to the LGBTQ+ movement to eradicate homophobia in society. It shouldn’t have to be that way, but it is. Time to mention Millwall, because they like many (Burnley, Arsenal, West Ham and Peter Beardsley, and so on) have problems. Islamophobia and antisemitism are on the rise in society – and football is the tip of a great big white iceberg of problems. Mel Gibson and others found to hold stupid archaic messages have been outcasted. SO, as a Manchester City fan, I say this: Ban Silva for the season, if you truly believe he was racist. If there is doubt, let’s keep the endless battle against racism and bring Bernardo into the army against it. Embrace Bernardo – and make sure he never makes a mistake again and sets an example to other professionals.

Has Bernardo’s tweet brought the game into disrepute? Most certainly. Now, the overlord-like white privilege are jerking each other off over their keyboards? Real stonewall racism is being overlooked in a way that only UEFA-standard referees can overlook VAR decisions. But, here we are focusing on the fact that a professional who has followers has taken the game into an area that the game doesn’t want to be. So, that’s why the F.A. will fine and ban Bernardo Silva. By deleting the tweet, Bernardo has admitted a mistake, and like an artist with an eraser, that error should have been removed, but we live in an age of Big Brother and screen capture. Too little, too late. That’s why the right wing will argue that white people can’t say or do this or that, without fear of reprisal by laws or vilification. Bernardo, wasn’t racist, he was naïve.

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

Add Vim or Gin & Tonic?

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste

WHO AM I?

“Everything in life is difficult: Being young, being old.” – Dag, TV series 3, episode 4 opening credits.

What is the meaning of life? Such a common question. I wonder why that is always the big question. Is the answer really 42? Many in religion argue that a scientific mind is a major cause of an individual’s crisis in meaning. Is it that there is almost a denial that an interplay of gases, chemicals, genetics and biology can lead to a meaning? Our amoeba cousins are prime examples of life. The humble farmed hogs being hunted the leopards of Mumbai too. Look outside and see a butterfly flutter by, and there is the answer. Survival. Google the wrong term without a safe search and you’ll no doubt stumble on the other answer: propagation.

Without completely telling religion where to scatter, I won’t force my beliefs on those who believe. Rag’n’Boneman will back me up. I’m only human, after all. I do however favour a logical and scientific approach to life, and higher beings don’t exist in it. No prophets, Gods, Goddesses, Deities, immortals, idols, or divine beings for me. I do believe in nature as a force. Holy beings are a no. Caterpillars changing to butterflies are a yes. The bible is young. God, the one Him and He that is mentioned in the new and old testament is quite modern, which I find strange and a little questionable.

Depressingly life is quite simple, and it seems us numpty humanoids complicate things. Is the glass half full? No. Is the glass half empty? No. The glass exists, with something neither incomplete nor complete inside it. It can house more or less than the state it was in before two simple questions were presented. Is the glass full of water and air in an unbalanced state? Is the water warm, cold or hot? Who put the question into a glass? Why not a whiskey tumbler? Are tumblers a glass? How many other glasses are stood full nearby? Can the question apply to tins of Costa Coffee x Coca Cola? Will that make it into a Costa Express machine to be delivered free one day?

Books, movies and songs have always been good companions. I fear that I will let others down, or myself down. I need a ray of sunshine to pick me up. Other people’s wonderful creations give me hope. They are my sunshine on a dark day. I’m in a foreign land where not everyone speaks my tongue. Few do. Even then if I can speak with someone, no matter how close they are, I cannot be sure that they truly understand me. Linguistic and cultural barriers exist in regions, countries, political beliefs and thoughts too. My humour is not Andy Warhol, and not Billy Connolly. It is just me, plain old and simple me. To have fingers put upon emotions, by others, and shared before eventually reaching you is simply delightful.

“Almost everything will work again of you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” – Anne Lamott, novelist

The trick of life is surviving it by feeling achievement. Somewhere in our DNA is an answer to a problem. Perhaps we don’t know of it. Perhaps we never will. Perhaps our species will have evolved time and time again rendering that answer obsolete. Relationships in our lives may dip, ebb or fade away. That’s life. Kick it in the dick and move on or engage in conversation. Have a natter with a good friend – or help your significant other to understand you using words. If that fails, there are alternative lifestyles like nudist camps, swinging, or cycling around the world jobless. Not every mould of lifestyle choice will fit everyone. Find that extra vim. If something feels dead end and meaningless, change the goalposts and seek the verve and vigour that you need. Too many people die with regrets. To quote William Wallace in Braveheart, “Every man dies, but not every man really lives” or something similar to that. Goodbye triviality, hello exuberance.

“Animals, poor things, eat in order to survive: we, lucky things, do that too, but we also have Abbey Crunch biscuits, Armagnac, selle d’agneau, tortilla chips, sauce béarnaise, Vimto, hot buttered crumpets, Chateau Margaux, ginger-snaps, risotto nero and peanut-butter sandwiches — these things have nothing to do with survival and everything to do with pleasure.” – Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

For me, I think people around the world would love a bit more understanding and togetherness. There are all too many bullets to chests, too many factories billowing crap into the air and too little respect being shown by leaders to their people. More empathy, less greed and a dab of extra worth wouldn’t harm anyone. No need to power up a supercomputer for 7.5 million years. However, we can still dream and look to the stars for hope or worship our chosen beliefs.

When I was at university and failed my first year, I felt lost. Why was I suddenly studying Behavioural Biology, far from home, running up a debt that clouded my hunger to study? I didn’t have a clue if it would get a me a career or a pathway into “the real world” (as students would often say). I did know one thing. Here I was far from home. Independent. Going solo. The reading of books and the routine of lectures wasn’t for me. I stumbled through years of studying and almost zero revision. Did I feel that I had failed? No. It was a challenge and I was out of my comfort zone. I learnt about myself in more ways than I thought possible. The wisdom of hindsight has taught me that.

THE EMPIRE ON WHICH THE SUN NEVER SETS

With more opportunity people are free to find their purpose. As it stands Braveheart is being remade on the streets of Hong Kong, in a historically flipped up situation made by Great Britain. The British Empire, at its peak in 1920, covered almost a quarter of the Earth’s surface area. After losing 13 colonies to the U.S.A.’s birth in 1783, Britain headed east and towards Africa. The Pacific was ripe for picking. For 99 years, starting in 1815, Britain became the Team America: World Police of the day. As Britain became challenged by Germany and the U.S.A.’s rise, the cracks that allowed the outbreak of the Great War were laid. In 1922 Ireland became free of British rule. Other territories would soon follow. Britain’s eastern empire fell with Japan sweeping over the supposedly impregnable Singapore, sewing the foundations for New Zealand and Australis to go alone, eventually.

Decolonisation, a decline in the nation’s strength and crisis after crisis (India, Palestine, Suez, the Malayan emergency, the Cold War, the Falklands…) haunted Britain – and the scars are visible today. Ireland and Northern Ireland remain divided and with Brexit impending the real threat of further trouble threatens the U.K. like a dark cloud. And if anything is to go by, the troubles will be back, because Rambo, Charlies Angels, the Terminator and Top Gun are still in the cinemas. Do we keep making the same mistakes in order to sell movies?

By 1983, Britain held 13 or 14 overseas territories. Penguins, Indian Ocean post boxes, a rock in Spain and a place near a triangle make for a nice holiday. Three islands have no residents but retain some scientific or military presence. Perhaps, Area 52 is located on one of these islands. Five of the territories are claimed by other nations. Interestingly, 52 former colonies protectorates are still party to the archaic Commonwealth of Nations. That Commonwealth is non-political, apparently. The U.K.’s royal family still head 16 states too, making their divorce from the U.K. most bizarre.

In the U.K., I worked for Aviva Insurance, for about 5 years. It didn’t feel meaningless and they were an okay employer. The corporate machine offers comfort for a not-so-amazing salary. Internal transfers are plentiful, but promotion in an age of very few people retiring, or moving on, didn’t help me. The work wasn’t too significant to me and my enthusiasm dropped, but to Joe Public and my colleagues, I kept plugging away, not like a robot, and not with any ambition. At this stage I’d lost ambition completely. Communication with other people and understanding were concepts that I was enjoying. This would start me on a pathway to teaching in China. A place where I would miss my favourite drink Vimto.

Vimto & Maine Road (Manchester City’s former home ground) have an unusual connection: Vimto. In 1851, the U.S. state of Maine was the first to outlaw alcoholic beverages. Manchester City Football Club’s then owners named the new ground’s road after this U.S. state. Temperance was quite a popular social campaign, much like Twitter campaigns like Jake Parker’s Inktober. That temperance movement made Vimto popular in the U.K. and gave Vimto a gateway to the world. The Middle East embraced Vimto long before Manchester City were heard of. The Saudi company, Abdulla Aujan & Brothers, had the sole rights in 1920s – and in a place with no letter V in their alphabet. A strong movement of division that brought about togetherness in a way…

Casting aside an ego, or stoning to death a worry, over time, my mind has finally understood that worries help nothing. Yet, I still worry from time to time. On buffering my soul and a kind of system reboot, I synch in time with my interests – and then look at the challenge freshly, dealing with it at a suitable pace. My pace. Not the pace of anyone else. You can only be yourself. With that, you can find yourself. And in Wales, I had the chance at Aberystwyth to discover and uncover myself.

EUROPEAN BENEFITS vs. EUROPEAN

The EU objective one funding was the best thing to happen to Wales. Without those projects being continually supported and the preservation funds for other cultural projects then central UK government will not listen so easily… division is a big problem and a stupid democratic vote, based on lies and bull pooh has done nothing but destabilise the UK – and division is everywhere. The people are too busy to notice the profits made by those who really benefit from this joke of a situation. If people need to campaign and protest against a silly democratic moment, so be it. An ill-informed minority of victorious voters will determine the future of the people? No. Is that remotely fair? No. Is it a fair to cancel Brexit? No. Remember, if you have been mis-sold PPI, you were entitled to claim the money back. So, the chance to force a legal process and decision into being over-turned is also democratic. Good luck with your 14 days money back refunds on trousers at Asda in the future. So many knock-on effects will happen.

Map it out. Our heads endured puzzlement and the pro-Brexit campaigners did not give clear reason to leave. The remain campaign dug a web of truth and lies to battle back. The leavers and the remain side argued until the cows came home. Then, someone bet on this, that and the other, standing to make a lot from the destructive nature of a messy divorce. The media twisted, turned, repeated, replayed and shot out word after word of noise. A campaign of vilifying and anti-heroism ran head on into a white-headed knight with a weaker than broken past record. That’s where we are now. Britain is no longer great. It is heading for isolation and absolute irrelevance as politically respectable nations go.

Isolation is not good for me. I am a loner when I choose to be. I am an outsider in my mind, but part of the team when I am welcomed or when I am welcoming others to the team. I like the natural flip on and out of things that some call being a social butterfly. I share an intimate and open friendship with my best friend Dan. I won’t hold back from telling him anything. With past, present and if-it-happens-it-happens possible future relationships, I hold back. I fear being hurt; I fear giving too much. My past experiences, and I know I have never been perfect – and Lord knows how many mistakes that have been made, have been made, but deep down I have never wanted to hurt anyone. I can be selfish and distant. Concealing my head in the sands, as the world goes by, is proof that I am part Ostrich. If I feel too constricted and less free, I tend to hide away or feel anxious. There is an itch where there should be calm. My eagerness to cycle off forever in the style of Forrest Gump running away, becomes a serious thought. At least I understand me. Well, most of the time.

The human brain is complex. It can handle algorithms, algebra and aardvarks. Confusion can reign supreme over absolutely anything and it can be caused by the weather, girls, boys, life and money – amongst a larger list of factors. There are poems, songs and crossword answers stuck inside our head. We just have to find the time to let it all out. Dripping it out like a slow roasted coffee works for some. Blurting it out like a Slipknot machine gun lyric for others. The same two options may work for one or the other at any given time.

The unfamiliar and strange don’t scare me. I worry more about monotony and uniformity. I don’t want to be a rebel outcast, but I do want to do my own thing. I enjoy being a service and teaching. I enjoy writing, even if it is to no-one in particular. This writing serves me well, it is the warm-up, the cool-down and the practice for work in progress. When work in progress becomes actual work, then I will feel that I have made an actual progress. There is method to my madness. In the meantime, I want to be like those who have left a mark on me. The influences I felt as a child. Mr Jones who encouraged me at primary school in Chapel Street; strict Mr Meheran at Reddish Vale Secondary School; Mr Tony Mack at the same school; the very warm and wonderful Miss Roe, and Mr Kershaw at Chapel Street. I can’t be a lifeboatman or a laser eye surgeon, but I do hope that I can be a good memory.

A good memory of someone can help you spring out of bed in the morning. To take that memory and magnify it, tell it, share it and hope that it will improve someone. If a 16-year old Skye Terrier called Greyfriars Bobby can have his story told for over one a half centuries, there has to be good reason. Warm memories of our grandparents help them to live on through ourselves. As child becomes parent, the parent becomes the grandparent and a cheesy way of saying the circle of life continues. Otherwise, we’d be cold, lost at sea, and trapped in eternal darkness with monsters snapping at the end of our bed, waiting for a foot to lower into their bleak and unwelcoming mouths. Our harmony is in life. Life is wonderful and whilst the meanings may be simple and the answers to our daily grind may seem far away, we are NOT alone.

I like to focus my students upon being honest. I try to stress teamwork and community over finances and ability. We’ll build a city map with castles and dreamscapes, rather than focus on calculus and repetition of words. We’ll build a city map with castles and dreamscapes, rather than focus on calculus and repetition of words. I want the minds that I encounter not to be afraid of introspection and going it alone. Let each student show their talents step by step and here we go. Goodbye dreariness and hello variety. With Tip the Dog’s story in our hearts, we’re ready to jump out of bed tomorrow…

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

School reports.

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do / S’mae / Namaste,

So, last Friday was the last of the days with 2F. They are now on holiday. After sharing some post-exam lemon teas, they floated away on the wind – or school busses and more regular forms of motion. Here’s a little review of the 26 students that make my day delightful… sometimes. I’ve used some of the text for their school reports.


Bright-eyed Aaron needs to improve his focus. His enthusiasm is at times wonderful. At other times he is a little bit of a daydreamer. Aaron is extremely polite and has a great character. He is shaping up to be a well-rounded student. Just a little more effort please, Aaron! You need to be yourself, you can be no one else.

Able
Active
Responsible
Observant
Neighbourly / awake / reliable / unhampered

Smiley Alice is patient, often mature in her responses and thinks hard before delivering great English. Her pronunciation is improving. She is creative and greatly respected by her peers. To improve, Alice just needs to carry on. As you were!

Adaptive
Laudable
Inclusive
Curious
Effective / civilised / clever / methodical

Bubbly Allen is dedicated to speaking. His spoken ability is confident and he grabs every opportunity to talk in English. Allen clearly likes to lead teams. With just a little more control he will be an outstanding student. Allen, Allen, Allen… slow down and work together! I think you’re the same as me. We see things that they’ll never see.

Accountable
Leading
Liked
Easy to talk to
No dummy / fearless / outspoken / confident

Smart Angela is imaginative. Miss Rabbit or Lucy are stage names and the world is her stage. She is smart as can be. At times she can be distracted and needs focus, but I suspect that unchallenged, Angela seeks something to switch her mind on. Let’s keep finding ways to unlock that big brain of yours, Angela! All you dreams are made…

Able
Natural
Gleaming
Extraordinary
Laid-back
Advanced / highly-intelligent / quick on the draw

Brainy Billy is capable of much more. His attitude in class can be quite relaxed and he understands English greatly. Billy just needs a kick up the bottom at times. With gentle persuasion our Billy can be everyone’s Billy. He is a great team player. Billy, please keep trying hard! Your class loves you. Give yourself a dream. Live it!

Bold
Interested
Leisurely
Leading
Young-at-heart / observant / reliable / unhampered

Careful Candy is well-respected. The jolly smiles and soft-spoken sentences that Candy delivers are welcomed by all. Candy’s ever so patient and curious outlook are clearly the great shaping by her family. What a star you are Candy! You’ll go far by being who you are! Trust your classmates. Believe in one another.

Confident
Alert
Neat
Dependable
Youthful / wide-awake / zestful / quaint

Diligent Dongyee has jumped ahead in these recent months. She has gone from being hardworking to using her voice louder. Dongyee can climb, she can talk about nature, she can discuss things confidently and she understands much. Stay curious Dongyee and show everyone your ability! YOU CAN DO IT!

Dainty
Outstanding
Never-failing
Great
Yare*
Easy to talk to
Empathetic / agile*

Delightful Doris can be wonderful. Impatient Doris can be challenging. The two sides of Doris are now becoming less frequent. Delightful Doris is learning patience and working harder. She approaches with questions and seems relaxed with making mistakes. She learns from these small errors. Rome wasn’t built in a day, Doris. Some day you’ll find a brighter day!

Daring
Outspoken
Radiant
Independent
Stimulated / warm-hearted / fearless / witty

Excited Evan is fast becoming a walking thesaurus. Students who love language can do anything. With more focus, Evan can excel. Evan, how do you fancy showing off your spoken English a little more? C’mon Evan! You’re free to be whatever you choose.

Excellent
Vigilant
Awesome
Nimble-witted / understandable / observant / reliable / unhampered

Bold Henry used to be rude and noisy, without reason. He has changed greatly. Henry shows solid teamwork, is much more patient and has developed a sense if humour for both adults and children to enjoy. Stay positive, Henry! These last few months have been brilliant! You can have it all but how much do you want it?

Humorous
Eager
Nimble
Resourceful
Young-at-heart
helpful / agile / confident

Polite Jimmy is at times witty, creative and kind. At other times he challenges me to think of new positive adjectives. He is adaptable and considerate. You’re going to make it happen, Jimmy! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. We’ll be hearing you more, Jimmy!

Jazzy
Incorrupt
Measured
Most excellent
Yare* / agile* / serious / happy

Vibrant Kim is a pleasure to have in our class. Class 2F loves Kim. Her fizzing and sparkling attitude is a testament to great parenting. There isn’t a more lively or animated student in our class. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say, Kim. You can have it all. Stay cheerful.

Keen
Interested
Mindful / adaptable / courteous / frank / rational / reliable

Improving Kitty is on a relentless run of progress. This year has seen Kitty rocket. Her little voice is fading away. A new bold Kitty is emerging. Kitty, keep going! Live your life for the stars that shine!

Kind
Inspiring
Talented
Triumphant
Yare* / agile* / exemplary / friendly

Skilled Kristy is a pleasure for our classroom. She can be witty, clever and determined. Demonstrating her growing knowledge and ability, Kristy is rising fast. Step outside, the summertime’s in bloom.

Keen
Rapid
Initiative
Sparkling
Talented
Yern* / eager* / integrated

Talented Lewson will not let the brains he has go to his head. A more-grounded student there is not. Whether it is demonstrating magic, showing his reading skills or singing with a smile, Lewson is modest. He works well with others and is fast learning to control his emotions. Lewson, you can go far.

Level-headed
Easy to approach
Wide-awake
Sweet natured
On hand
Noteworthy / popular / methodical

Cheerful Leon, I am sure you’ve heard it all before. You need to focus. Now is the time to see Leon pay attention more and more. We know that you can do it. You’re improving and showing us signs. Do me a favour, work harder and play harder. To play in a castle, you need to build the walls and towers. Only then can you enjoy the green grasses in the castle square.

Leading
Eager
On target
Now / helpful / agile / confident / bustling

Mighty Marcus stands tall. There are many things that I’d like to say to you, but I don’t know how. So, let’s keep it simple. A lion runs fastest when it is hungry. Show us your hunger to learn and you will stand far taller. Stay calm, stay positive.

Mighty
Active
Radiant
Caring
Unafraid
Stimulated / warm-hearted / fearless

Curious Marline probably has a scientist trapped inside her mind. All your dreams are made, when you focus from time to time. This semester has seen less day-dreaming, and more curiosity. Keep finding your way into the classroom and teamwork. You are making big progress, Marline! Please stop bringing ants into our classroom!

Magnetic
Artistic
Relaxed
Laid-back
Individual
Neighbourly
Enjoyable / quaint

Pleasant Natalie may need a little time to wake up. Once her arms are stretched out and her mind is awake, Natalie is wonderful. A veritable little bucket of knowledge!  Stay true, Natalie, we need your mind working harder and harder…

Nimble
Adaptive
Thorough
All systems go
Laudable
Inclusive
Effective / civilised

Quiet Roselle is not always quiet. Roselle, when you’re happy and you’re feeling fine, then you’ll know it’s the right time to talk. You are raising your hand more and joining in teamwork without hesitation. This is a wonderful and huge improvement. Your reading voice can be heard. At last. More of the same, please!

Regal
Objective
Settled
Earnest
Lionhearted
Lovable
Eager / perfect

Energetic Sabrina is oddly shy at times. Her capable mind and thoughtful manners don’t sit with her somewhat shy nature. Build something. Build a better place. You can do anything, Sabrina! Is Siri still helping with your maths?

Surprising
Adaptable
Big-hearted
Rational
Informative
Neat
Ace / courteous

Silent Sharon has gone. All your life you will try to make a better day. Now, with your voice louder and your ability, you’re very much ready to step in front of an audience. We believe in you. Do you believe in you, Sharon? Go and make some noise!

Self-disciplined
Hard-working
Adaptable
Responsible
Objective
Nobody’s fool / quaint / considerate

Friendly Soffy is working harder. You’ve been lost. You’ve been found. I am happy to see that your quiet days have gone. You’re a very confident girl. Keep working hard. You’ll find lights to lead you there. They’ll be blinding, You can do anything but it takes some hard work. Go on, Soffy!

Smiley
Orderly
Fluent
Freethinking
Youthful / quaint / considerate / adaptable

Tremendous is a big word, Tony. It is similar to great, wonderful and fantastic. Get on the rollercoaster. The fair is in town today. You can take any ride for your future, Tony. I should just write, “Mr John, Mr John, Mr John…” Few students will have the chances that you can make. Go ahead, make a bright tomorrow.

True
Original
Nobody’s fool
Youthful / warm-hearted / fearless / outspoken / energetic

Talented Tyler. There’s lots and lots for us to see. There’s lots and lots for us to do. Stay curious and keep reading as much as you do. Don’t fear any books. You have an eye for art, let’s see your mind’s eye. Show it all. Keep talking. You’re a credit to your parents. Keep teaching us too! Keep talking about spiders too.

Tough
Yare
Leisurely
Omnipresent
Ready / eager / easy-going / true

Steady now Victoire. Keep this pace up. You’re learning fast and improving in your behaviour. Keep your emotions under control and you’ll go far. Tonight, you can be a rock and roll star. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to say what you say. Don’t let anybody get in your way but be respectful and fair. Here’s to a wonderful term at school, Victoire. V for victory!

Volcanic
Initiative
Cordial
Teachable
Observant
Inventive
Reliable
Effervescent


That’s that. Done. The final reports of the year. A few Oasis lyrics slotted in. I was listening to Bugzy Malone at Glastonbury then Johnny Marr, so I can’t explain why I chose the Gallagher brothers. In August, the students will return. In September, I will return to…

St Lorraine Anglo-Chinese School/Kindergarten is in Changping, Dongguan. It is owned by a Hong Kong parent group. They have branches throughout China, notably in Guangzhou, Shenzhen and Dongguan. The main primary school was founded in 1999. It is a full-time Chinese-English-language school. The education aim is to provide “quality international and pluralistic education for children in different countries.” The school provides Cambridge International Primary and Junior High School Curriculum (Cambridge International Primary and Lower Secondary Programmes). Students can apply for Cambridge Examination (certificate awarded by the University of Cambridge Examination Authority) and this assists with progression to the Cambridge IGCSE or Cambridge International O Levels Local or equivilents. Many students attend from the mainland of China, Hong Kong and Chinese Taipei.

There are 8 classes for the first grade of primary school (approximately 30 students per class). There are 2 classes in the first year of junior high school. Around 240 students join each academic year to create the new grade one classes. Some kindergarten students face one-on-one interviews or interviews. In fact across China placement of written tests and English assessments are common for international school entry.

The school is located at: Bauhinia Garden of Changping Town Changhuang Highway, Dongguan City, Guangdong Province.

The school has a website here and here, with my own mugshot being found here and there. Like all education establishments in China it is regulated by the education authority for China, Dongguan city and the province of Guangdong.

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye / Hwyl Fawr / Dhanyabaad / Alavidā

The Trials of Life

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

Have you ever found your mind to be scattered almost everywhere simultaneously at the same time? Have you ever doubted the ground you stand upon as being this very Earth? Have you ever wondered why some things happen to you and not other people? Did you ever start to believe karma is real because once you threw a crisp packet into a litter bin, but it hit the side and blew away in the wind? Do bad days last forever? Has a music number from the genre of the blues been written just for you? Just exactly, how rainy is the day that never stops raining? If pain is temporary and class is permanent, then why did it hurt for so long? If good luck and bad luck are in a bar, then why does good luck choose to stay there and not visit you? How many instances of terrible fortune does it take to defy a fortune cookie? Did Coldplay write your life story? Anyway, it could be worse. I could support the Red Devils!


 

Today, a Thursday, and the fourth working day of a six-day week. Today and tomorrow are exams across the school. The midterm indicator exams. Nothing too special or worrying but amongst our foreign teacher team we have eradicated the need for oral exams at this time. Continual assessment and encouragement is of much more value. Besides it shows that you have more familiarity to the students and parents. For me, it has much more value. On Monday, Operation Greenblue commenced in class 1F. We have now five small rectangles of mint, lavender, rosemary, thyme, tomatoes and lemongrass in the process of growing. Even after two days, excited students peered upon the first sprouts of life. Marcus, the tallest boy, requested that we grow watermelons soon. We shall do our best. Victorie, the tallest girl, has given us all a huge rosemary plant. I encourage their enthusiasm and in turn their new plants will discourage mosquitoes. Meanwhile. my own small crop in my apartment is emerging well. Bye, bye mosquitoes?

 

In around 3 weeks we must stage a school drama and I am working on a script. I’ll add it after the final signature. I want something original and challenging for my 6-7 year-old tribe of talent. That’s why I am here, right? To be the CHAMPION equivalent of Pep Guardiola in the classroom. Surely, I cannot stop evolving simply because I have taught the words long, short, same, and different, this is not enough. Aim high. Later the job will be more rewarding.

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

Act 1: The dawn chorus [Music: Bring Me Sunshine, Ashleigh Wood]

Location: by a tree.

Lewson (narrator): A new day is dawning and all around the tree, sleepy nights are ending with waking yawns.

Sabrina Sunshine: Wow. Today will be a beautiful and bright day. I will make sure of that.

Aaron (bird): Yes, what a delightful day it will be.

CK/Tik (bird): I can’t wait for some yummy worms today.

Hardy (bird): I’m going to sing in my beautiful voice and wake everybody.

Doris (bird): I am a bird – and that means there is no homework!

Angela (Miss Rabbit): I love hopping, shopping and beat box popping.

Kristy Kangaroo: I like hopping too. I hope you get to see me hop all day!

 
Act 2: The Storm steals the sun [Music: Blue Moon]

Location: by another darker tree.

Allen (narrator): A naughty team is being led by Naughty Natalie. She really is very naughty!

Naughty Natalie: I don’t like the sun. It is all shiny and bright, shining in the sky so happily.

Monster Marcus: Yes, I like a dark night with the glow of the moon.

Typhoon Tyler: I like wind. Lots and lots of wind. I don’t mind of it is sunny or dark.

Marline the moon: I shine best at night. I need the sun for my light, but I can reflect with a smaller light if needed.

Tony the Tiger: Naughty Natalie, I have an idea! Let’s steal the sun and give the moon a new home.

Leon the Lion: Oh, you are naughty but I like you!

 
Act 3: The hunt for the sun [Music: Benny Hill theme tune]

Location: a tree by a small bridge.

Alice (narrator): In the U.K. people are always looking for the sun. Today, all around the world, many more animals and people are looking for the sun. Will they find the sun? Will they save the day?

Happy Henry (goat): I’m big Happy Henry, they all know me. I eat grass, whilst you sit on your…

Billy the kid (goat): Stop, I’m Billy the kid, a goat that did, not do homework, for I was chewing some grass, sat upon my…

Jimmy Jams (goat): Stop! I’m Jimmy Jams, a goat who slams, words for fun, out in the sun.

Candy the Caterpillar:  I have too many legs. It takes me an hour to tie my shoe laces. We’ve been walking for hours looking for the sun. It is too dark to find our lovely sun.

Kitty Cat: Don’t worry, I’m a cool cat and we look for food at night. That’s right. We can find anything at night. [Kitty Cat trips over in the dark]

Jumping Jessie Cat: Meeeeeoowwww, sunny, sunny sun, where are you? The sun is far too big to hide!

 
Act 4: Saving the sun [Music: Run Boy Run]

Location: A different tree, that looks like the other trees.

Allen (narrator): Many hours passed. A team of superheroes was called into action. Let’s get ready for action. Action!

Rocket Roselle: We have been flying around schools, parks, hospitals and even Manchester but we cannot find the sun!

Super Soffy: We can look around like the Old McDonald song. We can look here, there, everywhere…

Daring Dongyee: [sings] Old McDonald had a farm… [laughs] We can save the world, one step at a time. Where shall we look now?

Doctor Evan: I have been thinking and the sun is too big to hide. It must be on the other side of the world.

Kind Kelly: Okay, let’s go. Super Soffy and Rocket Roselle, you can fly there. Doctor Evan, Special Sharon and I can take a taxi.

Special Sharon: I might walk there. I don’t like taxis.

Altogether: Off we go, to save the day! We are stronger together!

 
Act 5: Altogether now [Music: Fight for the right to party]

Location: by two trees.

Allen (narrator): Our bold heroes find the other side of the world. After waiting for the taxi to arrive and making a very large payment, our heroes find the sun. The sun is trapped by Naughty Natalie.

Super Soffy: Give us back the sun!

Monster Marcus: You will not stop us. Ha ha ha. You are no Super Baby!

Doctor Evan: A baby can’t be super. I’ve never even seen a baby cook for themselves!

Typhoon Tyler: We will fight to the end!

Sunshine Sabrina: I just want to shine in the day and make everyone happy.

Daring Dongyee: Okay

Naughty Natalie: I will win this fight. Ha ha ha.

Marline the moon: I want to be alone – all by myself. No sun. Just me, the moon!

Tony the Tiger: Grrrrrreat

Leon the Lion: Let’s eat the sun. I bet it tastes lovely and hot.

Kind Kelly: You will do no such thing.

Special Sharon: I don’t want to fight!

 

[breakdancing battle]

 

[rock, paper, scissors fight]

 

[arm-wrestling fight]

 

Justin Time: Wait! Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! We all need the sun. We all need the moon. We all need day to play and we all need night to sleep.

Doctor Evan: Yes, Justin Time, you are right. We need to be friends. We must enjoy both the day and the night.

Jumping Jessie Cat: All we need is love.

Altogether: {sings} du du du duhhh

Victoire Violin:

[sings] I love you. You love me. We love each other and we’re family.

Altogether: [sings] I love you. You love me. We love each other and we’re family. [and dancing]

 
Students bow to audience and say, “Thank you kindly for watching our performance. Have a happy day today, tomorrow and keep smiling!”

[Music: Hello Sunshine, Super Furry Animals]

 

 

 

If I could only find the words, then I would write it all down…

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

‘If I could only find the words, then I would write it all down…’ (Read ’em and Weep lyrics by Jim Steinman/sang by Meat Loaf)

Where are the great writers? They are everywhere. Songwriters, scriptwriters, playwrights, newspaper correspondents, comedians, bloggers, and authors. Great writers are everywhere. I am nowhere near them. I just enjoy writing and have ambitions. The popular writers spill off shelves in major bookstores, on eBook devices, and fill newspaper reviews about their works. The modern classics and classics get published in varied and often colourful editions. Some copies get graphic novel versions or huge distorted modifications to lure in new and old readers alike. Books are wonderful and shouldn’t need a World Reading Day to attract a soul. Impressive braille, audiobooks and many other delightful formats, such as large print, keep penned words open to the widest possible audiences. And, then there are translations! Some of the Harry Potter novel serials have reached 80 or so languages, including Scots, Hindi, and Chinese.

‘muckle, beefy-boukit man wi a stumpie wee craigie’ (Mr Dursley in Scots, from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

The novelists aren’t a bad place to start. I find Sir Arthur Conan Doye and H.G. Wells have caught my eye more and most from the considered classical writers. The Valley of Fear and The Sign of the Four are two of the former writer’s most gripping examples.

superfudgeLooking across the metaphysical divide at female writers, there are some wonderful writers in Mary Shelley (Frankenstein: or, The Modern Prometheus; Rambles in Germany and Italy in 1840, 1842 and 1843), Elzabeth Gaskell (Cranford), Val McDermid (Trick of the Dark), the Poet Laureate for Great Britain Dame Carol Ann Duffy, Enid Blyton (The Island of Adventure), Edith Nesbit (Think Five Children and It, and not Stephen King’s It), Agatha Christie (By the Pricking of My Thumbs), Betrix Potter (The Tale of Peter Rabbit and 22 other similar tales), and Judy Blume (Fudge-a-mania and books that hist topics such as masturbation, racism, bullying, menstruation, divorce and other such family topics). But, most importantly, when I pick up a book, it isn’t based on the author’s gender.


now that daysIn my childhood, my varied reading included Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book; Jack London’s White Fang, The Sea Wolf; Colin Dann’s The Animals of Farthing Wood; Felix Salten’s Bambi; Aileen Fisher’s Now That Days Are Colder; Herman Melville’s Moby Dick; and a set of World Encyclopedias given to me by Mr Andrew Jones, in my final days in class 5AJ.

‘Now that days are colder, now that leaves are down, where are all the chipmunks at the edge of town?’ (Aileen Fisher’s Now That Days Are Colder)

roald dahlAs I grew from size 9 shoes to size 12 shoes, I picked up such reads as Eoin Colfer’s Benny and Omar, and soon discovered Michael Crichton. J.R.R. Tolkien was read with vigour. The college years involved Roald Dahl’s complete works getting a read. Douglas Adams and George Orwell added to the vibrant multihued reading material. I even had a crack at the works of Robert Louis Stevenson and Charles Dickins. Amongst the known names, I recall reading two pieces that really caught my attention. The first was about CJD and prionic diseases. The title was rather welcoming, Deadly Feasts: The “Prion” Controversy and the Public’s Health by Richard Rhodes. There is a real detective feel to this book. It zips from cannibals in New Guinea, cattle globally, young people in America, Britain and France – and beyond. It really makes you think and carries a powerful warning about beef, and eating meat. That being said, I carried on eating meat after a year’s experiment as a vegetarian.

‘Don’t gobblefunk around with words.’ (Roald Dahl’s The B.F.G.)

wewishThe second covered a dark period of recent history and journalist Philip Gourevitch’s We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda (the link directs to chapter one). The theme chronicles the 1994 Rwandan Genocide, in which an estimated 1,000,000 Tutsis and Hutus were killed. What shocked me, was how neighbours turned on themselves and the psychological effects followd. It skirts on the political challenges of survival. It is gripping and full of pain. I even had a crack at the complete works of one William Shakespeare. The dramas make for tough reading but nevertheless their importance and influence is beyond comparison.

‘At least fifty mostly decomposed cadavers covered the floor, wadded in clothing, their belongings strewn about and smashed. Macheted skulls had rolled here and there.’ (Philip Gourevitch’s We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda)

aberAt university I switched into daydreaming mode and the movie popularity of The Lord of the Rings led to a re-read of everything J.R.R. Tolkien. Between daydreaming, textbooks and general procrastination of university work, I found little time for reading. There was always something shiny or distracting. However, I did read through the entire available works of Michael Crichton and the brilliant noir writer Malcolm Pryce – his Aberystwyth Mon Amour series being topical to my location.

‘That’s the trouble with people like you, Knight, you only know how to mock. How to break things. You don’t know how to create anything. You never did.’ (Malcolm Pryce, Aberystwyth Mon Amour)

JurassicparkJurassic Park had been on and off my bookshelf since my mother bought me an omnibus edition, with the novel Congo included. The distinctive movie red, yellow and black logo made for great artwork but within the text was something more appealing. Scientific facts mixed with imagination and fiction. Like every book I have read by the late Michael Crichton, there are technical descriptions crossing the genres of action (Prey), science fiction (Micro), thrillers (Disclosure), and medical fiction (Five Patients). One of my favourite pieces has been Eaters of the Dead [a tale of Ahmad ibn Fadlan’s own interpretation of his genuine voyage north and his understandings with and reflections of Vikings], however the posthumous release of the 1974 penned piece Dragon Teeth [fossil hunters in the historical fiction form] comes close. But then, Pirate Latitudes, as action goes is damn exhilarating. Whilst the movies and series versions of some of his works never live up to the style of his writing, I hope that those who watch them gain enough curiosity to pick up the books. 200 million book sales is too few for such a great writer.

‘All major changes are like death. You can’t see to the other side until you are there.’ (Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park)

ducksFollowing university, I dipped in and out of books like rain lashing the rooftops of Manchester. Ian Fleming’s great travel novellas sporting a certain James Bond gripped me for a while. Every shadow writer of that spy-battering ram has been read since. From BBC’s The Fast Show, comedy writer Charlie Higson has delivered great slices of young Bond novels for teenagers and a series called The Enemy. Well worth of a read. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert should be reviewed by the #MeToo movement. Forget 50 Shades of Gray! George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty Four actual reads as a documentary and doesn’t seem like fiction in one way! The entire works of Christoher Brookmyre was far more than an Attack Of The Unsinkable Rubber Ducks – more like All Fun And Games Until Someone Loses An Eye. Every book of his will grip you tight – don’t be fooled by his colourful covers.

“People are islands,’ she said. ‘They don’t really touch. However close they are, they’re really quite separate. Even if they’ve been married for fifty years.” (Ian Fleming, Casino Royale)

psychoIn China, I have been limited to the works of Andy McNab (notably the Nick Stone and Tom Buckingham series) alongside other odds and ends found on bar book exchange shelves or tucked away collecting dust in book shops. I have found time to re-read Peter Pan, by playwright J.M. Barrie. Johnny Marr’s autobiography Set the Boy Free, War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (which wasn’t to my enjoyment, and the riveting Moby Dick, by Herman Melville. The complete works of Jon Ronson (I thoroughly recommend The Psychopath Test) have been perused. The Welsh neo-journalist loves a good debunk or conspiracy to grip and twist until all the juices ooze out into the pages. Hunter S. Thompson (Hell’s Angels) would be proud of his works! I wonder if Jon Ronson has booked a firework-clad funeral for his future passing.


touchMy obsession with Mount Everest has drawn me to a related selection of books. I read most of these in the shadow of the mountain during January 2017. The following works were all written following the 1996 disaster in which many climbers and sherpas lost their lives.

“Ultimately, the Buddhist teachings say, misfortune happens less often to those whose motives are pure.”  (Jamling Tenzing Norgay, Touching My Father’s Soul: A Sherpa’s Sacred Jouney to the Top of Everest)
  • Into Thin Air: Death on Everest – a well-known climbing disaster book by Jon Krakauer;
  • The Climb by Anatoli Boukreev;
  • Left For Dead: My Journey Home from Everest, penned by Beck Weathers;
  • Touching my father’s soul: a Sherpa’s journey to the top of Everest, by Jamling Tenzing Norgay;
  • Climbing High – a lesser known read by Danish Psychological Counselor and climber Lene Gammelgaard;
  • The Other Side of Everest by Matt Dickinson.

If you piece together the events on the mountain based on the accounts and reports received soon after and long after, you will be no clearer as to what happened – other than it being a monumental mess of tragic proportions. The best of the bunch for me, was Jamling Tenzing Norgay’s account, as it touched on the spirituality and complexity of Sherpa and beliefs within the shadows of the highest mountain peak on our Earth. It also explored his relations and the effects of living in the following of his father Sherpa Tenzing Norgay.


“Colonel Vivian had convinced himself that Ivor Montagu’s enthusiasm for Ping-Pong was a cover for something more sinister.” (Ben Macintyre, Operation Mincemeat: How a Dead Man and a Bizarre Plan Fooled the Nazis and Assured an Allied Victory)

mincemeatSince that rambling holiday to Nepal, I have picked up Ben Macintyre’s Operation Mincemeat at Murray’s Irish Pub in Dongcheng. Since then Double Cross, Agent Zig-Zag and just this week Rogue Heroes: The History of the SAS, Britain’s Secret Special Forces Unit That Sabotaged the Nazis and Changed the Nature of War have followed. For Your Eyes Only: Ian Fleming and James Bond, was a book I read in 2008 and didn’t enjoy quite as much as his other well-researched and fine-tuned storytelling. Facts and simple description, even criticism and questioning of reported myths bore at you like an angry wolf. They are real page turners, not bogged down by over-complicated technical terminology and wordings unnecessary. The Times columinist cuts a good read up and builds a remarkably fascinating picture of moments in history. I guess with an extra day of freedom each year, he has extra time to write. His birthday being on Christmas Day. Some other writers lose their focus and clutter text or fill pages for fun. Every page of Macintyre’s work is blessed by an assiduous and attentive hand. His mind has carved questions in reported stories and embellishments that others may have accepted. When it comes to knowns, he wants the reader not just to read, but use the full force of their frontal lobes.  Next up, I will re-read Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. To pick that particulatr gem up will be like revisiting an old friend. Another good friend could even be Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. Not a single movie version has touched on the depth of that epic adventure!

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

W.M.D. problems

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

Oh. My. God. I write it this way, to exaggerate a point and a half. There is a huge problem in the world and we need to address it now. Get it out in the open. No more hiding in the shadows. The time is now. Right here, right now. No more. We can’t go on this way. Renunciation, disavowal, denial and abjuration may well all be good enough for President Trump but not for me. No, no, no. And not for us. Not for the greater good. There is a menace to society and it threatens our ways of life. So. Let us talk. Now. About, well, I best add a disclaimer because I know some of my readers have complained about my graphic levels of details. DON’T READ ON if you are eaily disturbed. Back the flip up, whilst we shatter the realms of acceptance for good. Your world will change after this. Are you ready? I don’t believe you are. Nobody is. Nobody ever has been. I imagine this matter inspired Depeche Mode’s Where’s the Revolution? Religions have fell for less. Question everything. Okay, let’s stop beating around the bush. Like Catholicism, it is time to discuss rubber… erasers, to be precise.

 

Nobody can deny the Hollocaust. It was a monstrosity of modern times. The horror cannot be joked about. So many people lost their lives. Anne Frank was one such example, aged, just 15. 15 years on this Earth is too little time. Thankfully her words were never erased for all to learn about. Her life lives on in the form of an educational legacy. Thankfully she never took an eraser to her writing and we are left with a glimpse into dark times and a beautiful young mind. Other key moments in humanity faced threats. The Mona Lisa has been x-rayed, studied to death, infra-red inspected and UV examined. Beneath the serene lips of La Gioconda is a previous work, evidence of Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci’s inability to control himself with an eraser. Martin Luther King Jr may not have had a dream had he whipped out an ice cream-shaped eraser from the nearest Toys ‘r’ Us branch. Sir Winston Churchill loved writing. His scribbles, books and doodles were everywhere from his bunker and he led Britain against invasion and eradication before pushing on to defeat an enemy of freedom. As partitioning a figure as he may be, Churchill’s writing evaded the eraser and is mostly a fascinating look into an often complex and contadictive mind.

In class 1F there isn’t a more dangerous thing than the eraser. It is to my class as the nuclear warhead is to North Korea, Japan and America. This material and its rubbery consistency represent almost every argument and disagreement within the four walls of the classroom.

In bygone days, wax, bread crusts, sandstone, pumice and other coarse-pieces would wipe away mistakes from parchment to ancient almost-Powerpoint-like wall displays in cave dwellings. By 1770 and Mathematical Instrument-Maker Mr Nairne’s invention of the rubber, more people, with better education, meant more mistakes. The rubber had arrived. But it would take 69 years of perishable rubber problems before Charles Goodyear would fix it with curing, in vulcanisation. Not long after pencils had them attachecd to the end. The weapon was unleashed.

Some of these vinyl plastics, synthetic and soy-based gum devices come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours. They started out erasing pencil-based mistakes before eradicating the odd inky blotch. Now these act as devices of conflict. Electric erasers, like an electric toothbrush, bringing to minds, a torture device more at home in a James Bond movie. In class 1F, these tools are used for gouging out eyeballs and enforcing turf boundaries. Until the batteries run out.

Erasers, whether missing, being projectile-launched from rulers, eaten, or lost are a huge problem to global security. I vote that all free nations launch their airborne outfits and bomb the shit out of those who hold erasers. Don’t take any chances.

#NUKEeraserESTABLISHMENTSnow

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

Teaching with Chopsticks CONTINUED

RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Some things are essential to leaving the classroom, feeling not only like you did a good job but that you made a difference is key for me.  You have to be a realist and know that best laid plans will come unstuck every now and then.  To be prepared is to be ready, and ready for action you must be.

In full focus.  Some days are hot, some days are stickier than a bun factory’s spillage of extra-gummy jam, some days it don’t come easy… some days it doesn’t come at all.  Meat Loaf lyrics aside, you need focus.  Buckets of concentration melted together with motivation to perform.  You cannot walk into any class half-heartedly.  Finding the on switch is relatively easy.  A smile, a blast of some good music, a stroll around the school grounds, anything to clear you mind and feel fresh.  In the domain of teaching, insufficient time is afforded to that best buddy of the educator:  relaxation.  Daydreaming and doodling have been linked with high intelligence levels and creativity.  I like to think all my best ideas have stemmed from drawing fictitious maps and brainstorms resembling that of a biro-inscribed cyclone.  Move around the classroom, get many eyes following you!

Made from concentrate.  I hate being ignored.  I detest it when I lose one or two students to boredom, tiredness or the pressures of stacked homework lay before them.  I despise concentration being sapped by distractions.  That said, I can understand.  Empathy and sympathy are your allies.  Your movements and actions will deliver your crowd.  Think slapstick or stand-up comedy over standing up straight.

Realistic goals.  This goes for both students and teachers, because ultimately why aim to high and totally miss your targets?  The level of English in various schools or even within one grade can differ drastically.  You can’t leave behind any stragglers and similarly you cannot abandon the child geniuses.  The fine balance between testing and arduous should sit just above competence and challenging.  With experience you can find that titrated line.  If 80% of the class is at a level higher than the balance, you can over one semester encourage the inexperienced students onwards with more one-on-one assistance and praise.  Their confidence might just need your backing and reassurance.

Lesson planning.  I love to do something.  I hate to plan.  That said, a great plan gives fantastic guidance and helps you avoid stumbling into a ravine without a paddle for the creek below.  Finding a lesson plan is easy.  Then it must be tailored.  The end product needs to suit you, and you alone.  For my lesson plans I slice them into ten key components.  (1)  Do you have a clear and outlined method?  (2)  The lesson should be segmented into presentation, practice and production areas.  (3)  How big will activities be?  Teamwork versus pair work or smaller groups of four?  (4) Push for student talking time, over teacher talking time – where oral English is key.  (5)  Plainly outline the target phraseology and vocabulary.  Avoid clutter.  (6)  Handouts, activities and supporting materials need to be noted clearly.  (7)  Is an example of board work necessary?  (8)  Minimise non-essential skills such as reading or writing when pushing for oral English practice.  (9)  Ensure the students practice what you have taught them and define how you can check this.  (10)  Ensure the task pours, surges and flows as required by bringing the matter to life with a great review…

Reviews.  Perhaps, the only way you’ll ever develop as a teacher is by assessing the level of response from students in a review.  If the games or activities are dull, a poker-face laden class will stare emptily until the class bell.  If the final undertaking is too difficult, confusion and ignorance will call by for a bite to eat:  you’re on the menu!  Engaging review games can catch attention.  They will reveal how much has been learnt or bolstered.  Using characters from popular culture like those of Super Mario Brothers, the latest boybands, or famous sport stars will engage your crowd.  If it is obscure, you’ll lose the crowd.  That said, a personal touch reflecting you and your life can fascinate the gazing eyes.  Add life, add personality and add some spirit.  I have a class that have nicknamed me Tofu.  Since then an entire Powerpoint presentation was based around a dialogue revolving around the food, a fictional superhero called Fantastic Tofu and the new game Super Tofu Brothers.  If a particular class embraces something, you can play off it – it may be tedious to you, but dive in with full passion and join me in a method I like to call Teaching with Tofu!

And with those words of wisdom, I end on a quote by The Hold Steady, “We gotta stay positive”.

For further reading:

Lesson plan maker – Retrieved 2015/04/19.

Lesson plan guidance – Retrieved 2015/04/19.


RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Introductions are meant to be swift and to the point.  That’s my introduction over with.

Try to know your students and their knowledge.  In a more technical way I could call this heading, “Acquire relevant knowledge about students”.  Students will have their own cultural and generational backgrounds.  They will have been influenced by their parenting; their friendships; mass media and so on and so on… If you mention Japan in many classes, some closed responses shall follow, but increasingly you may find good arguments or great positivity to Japanese culture.  The beauty of using a controversial or current affairs topic is that it can help develop descriptive terminology.  Similarly, a student with a history of poor discipline can be enticed by different approaches.  What they have learned, whether correct or totally erroneous can shape how they learn new topics.  There isn’t a simple way to note how much every student or a group of students know, but having an idea is a fine way to start your preparations!  Your course design for pacing, examples and format – even the objective depends entirely on knowing your students and their ability.  With this you can flush away misconceptions and draw up clear guidance routes.

 

Teamwork.  Let’s be fair, teamwork is something we all love when it goes well.  When it doesn’t it is hard, but then you find how to develop the strengths within the ranks of a team.  Weaknesses become stronger through assistance and collaboration.  All major road cycling races have a winner, but the team that gets the winner there, does most of the work.  Be they mechanics, support staff or the cycling squad.  In a team, all are accountable.  Responsibility and pride force the hand of those trying to shirk away.  The teamwork is far more social and can heighten understanding.  Essentially students have a jigsaw and through their own methods, they can assist each other.  I’m a massive believer in questions and answers.  For every question a student asks you, try to reply clearly – before launching your own questions.  The beauty of the modern world is you’re never more than one metre from a gameshow.  Turn “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” into a classroom activity.

 

Varied learning techniques.  Variety is the spice of life.  Fact.  Monotony creates boredom.  Monotony creates boredom.  If students are forced to sit and listen, expect a disaster of biblical proportions.  What I mean is Old Testament, real wrath of God type stuff.  Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!  Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!  The students must talk.  Through talking they can connect.  They can apply the words by relating it to their experience.  Their learning will become their life and through each oral English lesson they will gain further invaluable experience.  I often devise undertakings to promote the key language skills in naturalised forms, e.g. if we’re discussing transport, why not perform a role-play based on travelling to the Sudirman Cup final (or something topical).

 

Timekeeping skills.  Class begins at 11am.  You have 40 minutes.  Remember to segment the class structure.  Tailor all to the students’ needs.  From experience energy will be highest early on.  Throw in a warm up activity then go straight into an introduction.  Now stop and review.  Slide in some more content, stop, practice and deliver.   Time for a final review?  Class is over.  Be realistic with timeframes.  Nothing great comes from too much review time, and likewise, nothing fantastic can emerge from too much introductory timing.  Only yawns.  Use timers on Powerpoint presentations, stopwatches, clocks and set clear limits for tasks.

 

Excellent!  Well done!  I recommend that you do your homework before the students even receive any homework from you.  Grab yourself a thesaurus.  Try to introduce new vocabulary, be it single words like fantastic or tremendous – or simple sentences of praise and encouragement.  “Try harder next time” can flip to “An admirable effort, but I know you can do better.”  Whether the work or task was first-rate, outstanding, exceptional, superb or poor, words are powerful tools to motivate and provide curiosity.  The students mind may ignore the praise, they may investigate it further, or they may learn an expression and fire it off at peers in the future.  That seed can fast become a network of positivity branching out in the tree of life.  Feedback should be seen as a chance to reflect on what you have asked – and not a motivator for incorrect learning.  Wisely must the force you use be.  Liam, a teacher, I know uses fist bumps, high fives and many other praising moves learnt from the ghettos of Weymouth (U.K.).  Try to vary your praising methods.  Introduce more internationally noted cultural nods of approval.


RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Teachers are hugely important in a community.  Education and development of youth pushes the next generation onwards.  During these impressionable years children will be imparted with facts, figures and fart jokes.  These will stay with them forever.  With their new knowledge the student can go on and be responsible, productive and a valuable member of society.  And they’ll probably still tell fart jokes.

 

Diversify.  Theory and practice are two different things.  Flitting between each method is a good way to engage all.  In the novel Jurassic Park, penned by Michael Crichton, a character Dr. Grant talks about two kinds of people, “There are those that want to be astronomers, and those that want to be astronauts.”  The former studies from a point of absolute safety, the other is more like the explorer.  To make a class as hands-on as possible, sometimes lessons need to be outside the box.  For beyond the territories of old-fashioned teaching gives students ways to learn and develop their talents in ways more fitting to showing it off.  Varying assignments, exercises and even the location of teaching can certainly arouse the senses.

 

Build rapport.  So many times I have seen new teachers come and expect instant enthusiasm.  It is insulting to think you’ll be respected and learnt from within the first few classes.  There will always be curiosity but once that wanes, what remains?  Beyond the classroom, keep your office door open; tell students they are welcome to talk more outside of classes; join in with activities beyond your paid time; help the quieter students feel included; take on the tough kids and distractors, find out more about them; and always be approachable.  Wear a smile.  Be professional.  If it is for a moment raining in your heart, bring sunshine to those indoors.  Students will embrace you not just as a teacher, but someone to look up to and learn from as a community member.  Teaching isn’t about being a friend or popular, it is about commanding a respect to encourage your students to learn.

 

Aim higher than the stars.  Previously I penned the importance of realistic goals.  That’s for the students.  For you, as a teacher, should be looking at something far greater: the unreachable wall of perfection.  Don’t just copy and paste last year’s work.  Think how it can be improved.  Is there a different method of review you can use?  Could I modernise or make the images more relevant to the student audience?  How can I encourage more oral English opportunities?  Your expectations can always be heightened.  To quote Nelson Mandela, “after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.”  Do this, and you’ll feel more satisfied.  Depend on older material and you’ll soon become fatigued.

 

There is no Plan B?  Of course there is a plan B.  I personally opt for plans C, D, E and F.  We’re in a subtropical region, with high humidity and build ups of saline detritus on projectors or even power-cuts may ruin a well-prepared powerpoint.  What’s more is that the humidity has rendered a box of chalk into a useless pulp of mush.  The dry wipe white board is not to be used as a previous teacher used a permanent marker and the word comparative has remained on that board for two years.  Unlike the other classrooms the board isn’t magnetised and sticky backed plastic can’t be utilised due to an invasive mouse population in your stationery draw.  Your computer has gave up the ghost too.  Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  Games and flashcards sat in folders, pre-printed materials, pairwork activities, turning the classroom into an arena… every possibility; nothing’s left to chance.  Think on your toes.

 

Clear boundaries.  If there are two pathways, one is shorter than the other and involves little effort.  You’ll feel happy but relaxed afterwards.  The other pathway is steep, challenging and you will learn as much about yourself as the matter.  You will feel like you have worked hard on this latter path.  Which pathway do you take?  You must articulate to your students, what is acceptable in the learning process.  Recently in Wuhan, drones were used to curb cheating for the National College Entrance Exam.  Of course you want collaboration in teamwork, but in testing an individual, you need their purest response.  You don’t want answers from Professor Google and Dr. Baidu.  I’ve seen hand-written answers copied from Wikipedia complete with coloured hyperlinks and lines beneath them.  Even the red spellchecker error lines appeared.  I tend to highlight my rules early on, and address any breaches as and when with a three strikes and you’re out warning.  Plagiarism and replication of other student’s complete work can turn into a detective job at times.

 

 

 

For further reading:

“Implementing the Seven Principles: Technology as Lever” by Chickering and Ehrmann – Retrieved 2015/06/15.

Clear Learning Objectives” – Retrieved 2015/06/15.


RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Making money.  I dislike money, I never seem to have enough or more appropriately, I’m totally irresponsible with my hard-earned dosh.  I earn my bread and then redistribute it on a combination of soft drink addictions and the need to add bits to my bicycle having shredded one part or the other.  I’m told you can save money easier by taking on extra jobs.  “Where can I find more work?”  I’m glad you have asked.  There’s the internet with forums like Dave’s ESL Café (www.eslcafe.com), there’s more regional classified adverts (like on Hubhao), social media like QQ, Facebook and WeChat groups.  Placing an advert in a bar or public place generally gets you spotted quickly.  Beyond the school gates in amongst the masses of parents is a good place to hand out your number and simple advertisement [Disclaimer:  check with your school first, and your teaching contract if this is okay].  Asking senior teachers if they know of anybody looking for private tuition will find you work.  In sunny Houjie, I have had a dozen requests each month and I usually delegate them to my immediate colleagues or friends.  Some of us like free time too much!

 

Forward thinking.  Ever had an idea during a class?  A bright spark followed by that lightbulb moment?  Yes, we all do.  Note it down for later.  During my summer vacation I plan to tailor images, bring props, bring some real things from home, kidnap my parents and force them to move to China… and so on.  There are gaps that can be brought to life in every topic.  I just need to get a life size replica of the Eiffel Tower into China… oh, wait, that’s already been done!!!  I plan this summer to collect magnetic board games including a giant Jenga; some English story books; more things to do with Manchester and the U.K. in general; prizes for games and competitions; seashells from the U.K. and many, many new holiday photos with friends and family.  I am a guest in China, and I want my students to be guests in my life and happenings.

 

Notes.  Notes, not of the musical variety, although that does help occasionally…  “Old MacDonald had a farm… A-E-I-O-U.”  I mean notes, as in minutes, records, transcripts or observations are important.  I average an A4 sized notepad every quarter of a year for a reason.  I rarely write anything beyond words, short sentences and abbreviated squiggles.  This is my idea factory.  Some ideas never bear fruit or even blossom.  Others get filling, direction and fill Powerpoints, games, review tasks, ideas to brighten the school walls up, become performances, songs, poems etc.  Notes, to me, are the foundation blocks of teaching.  Plus, every now and then, I look back at my notes from years gone by and find a piece of gold dust that gives rise to something big and wonderful (like posters about European nations and their culture etc).  Creativity can be born from one note.  La, la, la, laaaaaa.

 

Instructions and examples.  Before travelling somewhere unfamiliar for an interview or appointment, I look at the mode of transport, costs, timings, practicalities, possible weather and climate, etc.  The same applies to teaching instructions.  My sets of instructions have to be clear, broken down into steps, with the relevant introduction and content.  Without this, I am asking for anarchy and pandemonium to visit our classroom.  Alongside the clear instructions, support must be provided and clear examples given.  From knowing my classes I select the best students (and not always the same ones each time, to keep it fair overall) to assist me with demonstrating what we must do.  On the projection wall will sit a further example too.  I will enter the arena and probe around the classroom looking to see demonstrations being practiced before calling forward students to review their collective effort.

 

Don’t jump to conclusions.  Guess what?  As a teacher, you’re not a student.  You’re a teaching expert.  Reading between the lines, filling in gaps, and applying our own comprehension is instinctive.  Sometimes we must switch from autopilot mode into something more appropriate.  We can’t cycle from Chengdu to Paris, without the adequate preparation.  Students need to avoid confusion.  We must prevent them connecting two dots to form a line that is so wonky, one dot may fall off and land in a pile of previously failed dots.  Breaking up duties ensures that each instruction is followed step-by-step along the floor, then up some stairs and high above into the mountains before flight is encouraged.  Take nothing for granted, share how you think as an expert.  The parrot copies human voices for a reason and then applies the skill with precise action.  Your students can do anything with clear, concise instructions.

 


RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Don’t flood the market.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Nor was a complete understanding of the English language or uses of said philological skills.  There are professors and scholars always trying to further this language of ours.  Don’t worry about everything.  Narrow it down to just a little by little approach.  If you blanket a subject, you’ll swamp it into a boggy, murky, twisted mess and scare the students away!  Don’t do too much in a short space of time.  We must know what to include and what to eject.  Your favourite subjects of contents, e.g. football and cycling may not be apt for the syllabus.  The semester or year needs clear division into units.  Each unit must have a focus and target language.  The students’ experiences, background and class numbers need to be accounted into the material.  I have often split a* unit* into multiple classes to get a sounder understanding of more difficult subjects.  Simply prioritising and setting purposes helps.

 

Questions and answers.  I find that just a simple question with a simple answer isn’t enough to keep a conversation flowing.  Closed questions, the kind where, yes, no and maybe arise can kill a conversation.  More open questions can lead a conversation to more questions and details.  I try to encourage my students to work in pairs and have one student as the question master and the other as questioned.  This is a great technique for reviewing a subject and also makes the students think harder about the level of detail in their answer.  If the task is limited to one minute then the student can respond strongly to prevent further questions.  If the questioned student is too simplistic with their answers the question master can launch many questions.  This makes for a good spectator competition, but use it sparingly – as too many rounds will make you question using this challenge again.

 

Are you the challenger?  Don’t agree with everything.  You can be much more than someone who nods their head and says, “Yes” or “Okay.”  We can be a commentator like of Match of the Day; we can be a challenger like in a public debate; we can be more moderate like a news presenter; or we orchestrate an argument to develop deeper conversation.  Through these characters we can guide students, change behaviours, and promote thinking critically.  It goes without saying about avoiding religious and political debate but subjects such as wildlife conservation and attitudes to animal care make for interesting discussion.  Perhaps give students roles, like a hunter, a conservation worker, a wildlife guard, the family of the hunter, the medicine maker, the police and anyone else connected directly to illegal rhino horn poaching.  You’ll maybe see and hear defences, objectiveness and bias.  Flip the roles between students and see if they can understand one another’s arguments.  Challenge each student with simple questions.  Who?  When?  What?  Why?  How?  Which?  Where?

 

Handouts.  “Save the world”, “save trees”, “recycle”, are a few cried heard all over the world.  If you pass the photocopying room at my school, close to exam time, you’ll hear a different kind of whimper.  As the photocopiers go all lifeless and silent or they spew out worthless misprints the copy staff go postal.  Handouts in classes are essential for homework.  For a class task, it is worth asking two to six students to share one sheet of A4 or A3 paper.  A shared task and prompt sheet is more likely to drive the behaviours needed for good team etiquette.  And you’ve just saved the Amazon rainforest!

 

Evaluate and evolve.  Teachers have basic principles but over the years our methods have become more and more chameleonic.  The successful teacher adapts to new technologies and new methods.  They seek new ideas and embrace them.  They also refine the tried and tested methods to a finite degree of near perfection.  There’s no resting on their laurels (or Sweet Bay leaves).  If something that did work, no longer works, changes must be made.  A variety of incidents may change your teaching methods.  A class size change from 16 to 60 certainly will make you uneasy.  The old rules may be redundant.  There may be a drive for more advanced media orientated or business connected vocabularies.  You must know what to do, usually by understanding your previous workings, exams, evaluations and student knowledge.  You may need to prepare extra base work or go off subject to bring about further knowledge teaching.  You may need a library, online resource, ask somebody for help or forum to seek new ideas or guidance.  From here we can construct content with objectives, structure, adjust and format a new range of materials.  Not everything comes from experience.  Keeping it as simple as possible will make it much more management.

 

For further reading:

*Is it an unit or a unit?  See this debate.


 

 

Teaching with Chopsticks #1

RECOVERED FROM THE DEMISE OF HUBHAO.COM

Delving into my mind can be a dangerous adventure.  There are millions of self-help guides littering shelves of local and international bookstores.  This is not intended to dictate or to be taken as gospel.  Teaching English is very much like tasting Marmite – you either fall in love with it, or you hate it.  Like most long-standing sandwich spreads, you’ll adapt, innovate and reinvent.  The cycle of normality will be broken.  Back off textbook simplicity.  I want to offer five tips, not in the fly-tipping or gratuities sense but these little boons:

 

  1. Teaching should be very personal.

When you meet someone interesting, they stand out.  Why do they stand out?  They’re interesting, you switch on.  Give the students what they want and they’ll want more.  You’re a teacher from a far off mystical land.  More is less, less is more and so on.  Using the imagination and your passion will drive their interest.

 

  1. Fear nothing. Lead the way.

The worst that can happen will only happen if you panic, the little monsters in front of you choose it or life dictates Murphy’s Law is due an appearance.  You are your class leader.  Dictate the pace, the content and the smiles.  Speak in a natural way, slow but clear and fill your words with feeling.  Acting like the latest version of Leslie Nielsen [if you’ve used Baidu to search for this, shame on you] is all part of the game.  Loosen the students up, make them aware that your class is about relaxing and stepping off the plateau of norm on to the steppes of an atypical day out.  Your class is an enjoyable escapology act and you are the next provider of mystery and queries.

 

  1. You’re having a laugh. Share it.

We all switch off 15 minutes into any presentation, apparently (source unknown, I switched off before that was presented).  Some things demand light-hearted jolliness, other things need a belly laugh or two.  English is a fantastic language and versatile as a cockroach in a kebab shop.  It can bend, it can twist and it will find some meaty content to live on.  I find students will engage you more if you’re more Patch Adams than Louis Pasteur.  Often students here sit through strict, highly rigid and lifeless mathematics or history classes.  Making a connection to the students is key, whether it is straight-faced or outright gurning.  The level of humour obviously mustn’t disturb neighbouring classes.  That said, if the neighbouring classes hear the odd chuckle, they’ll look forward to your classes…

 

  1. Game on.

Structure in a lesson is important.  Tricking students into learning by thinking they’re playing games is far more important.  From the off I tend to award points for simple tasks, like remembering my ever evolving class rules to simply giving a good example of oral English.  A warm-up game between two to four small or large groups can dictate reward points from the off.  Every now and then an actual reward, be that of the sweet kind or the stationery kind enters the classroom.  The students sit up straight, are on their proverbial collective toes and knuckle down.  Routine, expectation and a hunger to win can seriously gear up your classrooms.  I often find there is always a brainy team or each group has stand out students.  But beware.  Beware imbalanced point awarding.  Take control and steer the results in a way organisations connected with a major World Cup would take pride in.  I recommend a visiting game shops, using online resources (www.tes.co.uk; http://www.eslprintables.com/; or sites like http://learnenglishkids.britishcouncil.org/en), popping into Decathlon for softer versions of the dartboard or researching old playground favourites.  Get on it.  I have and I will never turn back.

 

  1. Realia Manchester.

Realia, is a funky latin word, for meaning real stuff.  Real stuff has several benefits.  The blackboard/chalk board/white board/projector screen can scatter.  It can properly do one, out of the room, no longer needed, make them as redundant as tone washers on the Great Wall.   The realm of authentic artefacts begins.  Be the subject winter, bring a scarf, hat and gloves.  Be it holidays, produce postcards, a backpack and some holiday snaps.  A bag is always a great way to smuggle items into class.  Place it on a raised chair, upfront and central to invoke the curiosity of your audience.  So far, my most praised classes by observing teachers have involved a Powerpoint [other methods are available] presentation entirely stocked with photographs.  Alongside this has been a carrier bag, costumes, and special effects.  Are you a budding George Lucas?  I hear you say.  No, I reply.  The classroom can be pre-prepared to have areas of interaction, props and posters or maps.  Why not go orienteering indoors?  Remember everything is possible.

 

这是所有乡亲/ Zhè shì suǒyǒu xiāngqīn (That’s all folks).

{check the above again and again}

J4: North Trafford to Aberystwyth

College began.  North Trafford College was not like school.  I had friends, of genuine qualities.  These friends would not think of me as someone lower than them.  I was an equal.  I was to enjoy great friendships with Alexis, Becci, Gemma, Danny, Serena, Jill and Darran over the coming years.  Outside of college I had my friendships with Dan and Rob.  Life seemed to be shaping up well.

Mum brought me City’s new laser blue strip for my 17th birthday, and I enjoyed a night out at Laser Quest with Dan and Rob.  I was really enjoying life.

On the 17th of November 1999 my best friend Pup died.  He had been around me for 17 years of my life.  Whenever I needed to hug, he was there.  He would always listen, and he would never judge me.  He was always there for me.  The news was heart-breaking.  I was in shock.  The Kangaroo-like, bounding, mongrel had finally passed away.  His back legs had failed him one day, and the Eccles RSPCA vets (where Rolf Harris was starring in Animal Hospital) had decided the humane thing would be to put him to sleep.  No longer would his floppy-great ears, his clumsy wagging tail, his facial glow, and his super temperament grace my presence.

I ran to my room, a tear shed for every fond memory of Pup.  So many memories of him licking me, chasing after me, fetching branches and sticks that I had thrown for him, playing outside together, and Pup sat on my lap in Dad’s car on long journeys.   Pup will never be forgotten.  He touched so many around Newton Heath and my family.  I even saved him from a fast-flowing stream in Clayton Vale one Saturday afternoon.  Pup was fearless, and so gentle.  You cannot compare him to any dog alive, or that has lived, but if you did then he would rank up there with the Red Dog of the Australian outback.

At college following a Christmas drunken kiss with Becci, things went rather unusual.  Becci was my college tutor, Elaine Lamb’s daughter.  This could have become rather complicated, but after the drunken kiss we both knew to go any further would be bad, especially seeing as Becci had a boyfriend.

The over-hyped Millennium eve came, and went.  In January 2000, I started a two day work placement at Blackpool Zoo.  This would happen every Thursday and Friday eventually curtailed by March’s foot and mouth crisis.  Soon I left my part time job at Co-op to work for Glynwebb DIY store (convenient alongside footballing commitments).

A new child was born into the Acton family in 2000.  Christina Acton was named after my late Nana.  Christina was born on Valentine’s Day, February the 14th 2000.  I now had two sisters.  Christina was born to my Dad’s partner Bernadette McWilliams from Greenock Morton.

Whilst at Blackpool Zoo however I met Caroline Wadsworth, during March 2000.  I travelled to Scarborough for a night out in her hometown.  Caroline was a Restaurant manager at a local hotel.  We met at the station, and went for a drink at a Wetherspoon’s bar.  We walked back to her flat.  We discussed our planned night out.  I would sleep on her sofa when we returned.  Caroline was five foot two tall, long black hair, round, slim build, and aged 28.  I was only 18.  That night we visited a few bars, and a club.  By midnight Caroline was extremely drunk.  We boarded a taxi and went back to hers.  On arrival I put her to bed, removing her leather jacket and covering her up with her duvet.  I could see no spare blankets.  I went to her lounge, and curled up on the sofa, draping my jacket over me.  I fell asleep. I was quite cold.

I made the text below smaller and lighter because I have been a tad graphic. But, flip it. I am not hiding anything. It has to be written.

That morning I was awoken by Caroline.  She lifted my jacket off me, took my hand and said I should have curled up with her.  She led me to her room and lay down in bed, pulling me up alongside her.  She thanked me for not taking advantage of her.  She undressed me down to my boxer shorts, and then undressed and placed a long t-shirt on.  A lengthy kiss followed.  I could feel my boxer shorts being removed.  She grasped my penis, and pulled it back and forward.  I decided to explore her with my hands, softly and carefully.  Within minutes she spoke, “Make love to me.” 
Being a virgin I panicked a little.  Once the trusted condom was on, my penis slid easily into her wetness.  I was inside her.  I could feel so much, tight around me.  She moaned and grasped my hair as I found myself going deeper and harder into her.  Her breasts were bright red with sweat.  She pushed me out of her.  Had I done something wrong?  She put me on my back, and then climbed onto me.  I slid right into her with ease.  She bounced so hard, moaning more and more each time, her breasts bouncing up and down.  She screamed and started to shudder, as I released myself.  I had lost my virginity and cum at the same time she had reached orgasm [I didn’t think that was even possible].  That day I had my breakfast.  Not long after she had elevenses.  In fact she made sure I had lunch, snacks, tea and supper for the two nights I stayed.  My penis was sore with overuse.  It had never been used before this trip to Scarborough!  The sex was amazing, and varied.  She performed oral sex, shown me many ways to make her orgasm, but I was beginning to feel used. 
The next weekend I visited again, all we did was to stay in and had sex.  We never chatted on the phone before my visit, I felt used.  It may seem like a typical blokes dream to be used, but I wanted more emotion.  I’m not just an object and detest being used as one.  She had achieved what she wanted, and boosted the local pharmacy sales of condoms but I wanted more. 

My final work placement for college was at Clayton’s Millstream Animal Sanctuary in 2001.  Here I assisted with cleaning kennels, and catteries.  I would also assist with feeding General the horse, and several goats.  I was also lucky to assist tame an extremely aggressive black rabbit.  The male rabbit had a small white patch under its neck.  It apparently was vicious to people, and had a history of biting people.  I lifted it straight up, sat it on my knee, as I sat on the floor inside the main building.  Bugsy as I affectionately called him responded well.  It never kicked out at me, or bit me once in the few months I was there.  Bugsy eventually responded well to other humans and found a home.  2000 being the year Dad had a second child with his partner Bernadette.  Shaun Paul Acton was born on the 28th of March.  I now had three brothers.

Back at Millstream, a cat named Aurora, a beautiful tortoiseshell cat, had to be kept close to the veterinary room.  Aurora suffered from a liver disease and needed regular medicine doses.  Her history was from a background of being mistreated.  She was not an ideal cat for homing, because she was so aggressive to human contact.  Within days of working up her trust, she clambered from her pen, and walked over my shoulders.  She rubbed my head with her body.  She would not allow me to touch her by hand.  This usually responded with a prompt scratch to my arm or head.  Aurora took weeks to allow me to pick her up, and stroke.  She was a beautiful cat, and I would have loved to given her a home.  Mum would not allow another cat because we already had Tigger and Sparky (Tigger’s mother).  I also had Sarah my tarantula (named after a girl I had a crush on, even if she was out of my league); Gizmo and Stripe my Russian Hamsters (who would often try to kill one another, thus resulting in me pulling them apart).  Gizmo and Stripe were adopted from an animal sanctuary.

After completing work placements at Heaton Park with college, Holland’s Exotic Pets in the Coliseum, Manchester Pets and Aquatics, and Blackpool Zoo I felt ready to take on a career.  I decided to apply for the Fire and Rescue Service.  The last few weeks of college loomed and Gemma hosted a sleepover at her house in Sale.  Becci, Danny, Alexis, Darran and I stayed.  We watched Lake Placid (Crap film) and numerous other films and gabbed whilst eating and drinking in Gem’s lounge.  Later on Gemma went upstairs to bed, Alexis fell asleep, Danny and Darran fell asleep minutes later.  I curled up in my blanket.  Becci lay behind me.  Becci kissed me.  I kissed her back.  My hands strayed, beneath her blanket, and below her jeans.  Becci was very quiet for the first five minutes.  All of a sudden she screamed and the others awoke.  She told them she had had a nightmare.  The flustered bright red face clearly lying but that beat admitting to what was really going on.  She lay back down, turned away and fell asleep.  Becci was always the selfish member of the group, insecure, and confident she could win any man’s heart over.  She would never win my heart. I am glad to have heard since then that she has grown up well.

In May I had my mobile stolen; in July I’d seen the band Wheatus again with Danny; and at this stage I had been forced to make career choices.  After passing several fire-fighters exams and tests I had a contract arrive in the post from Greater Manchester Fire Services.   On the same day I received an offer for a place in Aberystwyth University.  I had to decide between university and a career.  The decision was not easy but a few years at University would not prevent me reapplying for the Fire and Rescue Service.

During August I also returned to Barmouth for a holiday with Mum, Paul, Paul junior, and Astrid.  We stayed in Tudor House holiday flat overlooking the harbour.

On the 22nd of September 2001, 11 days after the atrocious attacks by terrorists on the U.S.A., I had departed for Aberystwyth.  Manchester City F.C. had beaten Sheffield Wednesday 6-2 at Hillsborough under the helm of Kevin Keegan. Dad’s packed Citroen headed east, packed full to the rim. Having been lost in Shrewsbury (possibly the only town populated by more roundabouts than people), we set across Eastern Wales and its many shades of grey clouds.  Many urination stops later in several bleak farm tractor entrances, and we arrived in Aberystwyth.  I and Dad unpacked all my gear into Cwrt Mawr Block B, room 15 – my home to be for an entire academic year.

Post-unpacking my Dad took me to Cwrt Mawr bar located next door to Block B.  Dad brought me my first pint in Aberystwyth.  Guinness, naturally, and served by a rather busty bar lady.  Talent spotting looked to be a good idea in this town.  Time was soon called, and we returned to my room.  Dad kipped on my bed, and I curled up under a blanket on the rock cold tiled floor.  Ah, luxury!

For Sunday morning we searched for a café or breakfast bar in the town at the foot of Penglais hill, no such luck.  We made do with Spar’s finest sausage roll and breakfast barm.  No sarcasm intended.  Dad drove me back to my highly institutional-influenced room, before he headed off for Manchester.

As I slowly unpacked, my new flatmates passed by my room.  Feelings came over me, pure shyness and unsure whether my flatmates would take to me.  I was feeling alone.  The day seemed to last forever, as I customised my imperial-institutional cell.  I fell asleep, tired and alone, wanting to escape, far from home.  Tears ran from my eyes.

The first Monday of the University term brought brighter light.  I met Mike, a fellow resident of Institution Block B, or Cwrt Mawr (if you like a more romantic tone).  We went to the students union and entered a Headways Group treasure hunt.  We started late on, overtook many teams, and still managed to finish first.  The secret clues were difficult, but we made it through to the Outback bar on the Llanbadarn campus.  I could see Mike doubted my navigational skills, but he could tell I doubted his knowledge of biology as we discussed our similar study schemes.  At the Outback, a free barbeque was provided, and we also won a £5 student union shop voucher.  This sweetened the burning sensation on my aching feet.

Many hours later I had returned to my room.  My head plummeted into my pillow.  I slept like I had not slept for a long, long, long time.  My day’s explorations with Mike, the square headed, spectacle-wearing Midlander had been fun.  To imagine what Mike looks like, simply watch the film Ghostbusters and look at Egon Spengler.  Mike was however around five-foot ten.

A night passed before Mike had arranged for a night out with several girls from Cwrt Mawr Block A (the other block next door).  Our other flatmates Dan, and Yaz joined us for a few drinks at The Glengower on Aber’s North seafront.  The girls from next door were Jen (a Southerner), Jenny (an American International Politics student), Lynette (a Brummie) and her room mate Kim (also a Brummie).  I wasn’t really interested in any of the girls (even if the theme night was Pimps and Whores night).  Naturally I wore my favourite purple shiny-top and silver dragon trousers.

The next day I met Kez (Environmental Scientist) and Mel (Drama student!), two more flatmates.  There was also Victor (computer scientist) and Lorenzo (an Italian International Politics PHD student).  That morning Mike and myself went to Block A to meet Kim and Jenny.  Lynette had been feeling unwell, and wanted to return to the Midlands and her parents’ house.  By the end of the day Kim’s double room was more spacious, as Lynette headed home from the University for the first and final time that year.  Really, I think Dan scared her off the night before at The Glengower.

Pretty soon lectures had began, and before long I and Kim were seeing each other.  Before long October popped up. POP!  On return to Manchester, I and Rob met up to watch Scary Movie 2 at the cinema.  At this stage I realised that most of my friends had moved on, William was in New Zealand, Dan was in the army with the Scots Dragoon Guards, Becci at Leeds University, and Alexis at Chester College.  It was a pleasant return to Manchester, and easy to get news.  I bloody well didn’t get much news in Ceredigion!  I rarely watched television.  I had to go on the net to discover most things or return home to watch the football (by football I mean the great Manchester City F.C.) My Manchester City FC were doing excellent and well on course to a return to the top flight where I was sure they would stay up this time.  At the time City were the best goal scorers in the U.K. football leagues too!  There was ONLY one pub in Aber which screened ITV Sports!  The Mill public house was tiny and packed solid if any game was on. 

By the end of the month, as is a tradition on my birthday I had added another year to my age.  I thought celebrating my birthday away from home would be awful as I turned 19.  Mel and Kez treated me to Profitero’s and presents.  That was very kind of them.  I was not used to surprises, so it was different and thoroughly enjoyable.  Kim returned from the Midlands with a cuddly Tigger and some chocolates.  Yummy.

During the month of October I also became involved with Aberystwyth Town F.C., a team from the then League of Wales (now Welsh Premier).

Everything seems to take 15 minutes:  getting ready to go out, cycling to work, an evening jog, having a quickie etc.  Yet getting to lectures from Block B took at the most 5 minutes.  This was convenient and had no excuse to be late.  The first year of University life wasn’t so academically productive.  I fucked up big time.  I did however enjoy University life, football, and the region so much that I would retake my year.  If I was to relive life in Cwrt Mawr Block B, there would be some brilliant or strange memories.

For a start my room was right by the kitchen, so every Tom, Dick and Harry who fancied a late night snack would likely disturb me.  We did not have a Tom, Dick or Harry living in our flat as I am aware.  Worse still, the toilet was located adjacent to my room.  An ancient proverb, probably would go as “he who sleeps lightly, be disturbed by the loo flushing.”

Our estranged flatmate Victor was proving to be rather unusual.  Several knocks on my door at 7a.m. revealed why.  Victor was revealed to be a campus stalker, who was eventually expelled from University.  This wasn’t the only trouble in Cwrt Mawr, bats in my wardrobe, and the Police calling at all hours, and this e-mail from a warden says it all: 


The University has a very strict Rule that forbids the possession of any form of weapon on its premises and grounds. Of course, this includes any form of gun or imitation weapon. Yet, I have been handed and have confiscated 3 “pistols” this term already! At least one is a BB-gun that potentially is very dangerous.  These disregards of a University Rule came to a head in the early hours of Friday, 1st February, when a student in a balaclava brandished a “gun” at another student “as a drunken lark”!
The man was arrested and may be prosecuted! Even if not, he will be subject to University discipline; as will any others caught in possession of a weapon! BE WARNED: Anyone in possession of weapon must dispose of it immediately or face the certainty of at least University discipline if caught!
Dr.R.B.Kemp, Warden.


Around Christmas time our flat shared a Christmas dinner.  Kez, Mel and Mike cooked, whilst muggings here had to wash up with Kim and Yaz.  That night I and Kim set a cuddly-musical toy, namely Frosty the Snowman, off outside Kez’s room, much to our amusement and Kez’s dismay.  Practical jokes dried up soon after Christmas.  There was only so much blown-dry cling film under toilet seats, washing up liquid down toilets, and booby traps that could be taken in one semester at University.

At the time, my attitude to life had changed, and I settled into the University life with ease.  I tell you what when I left University it was a shock to the system.  I had to get up at 6am, rather than go to sleep then.  Having sex in a single bed was absurd.  There was more food than beer in my fridge.  My fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies was soon replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.  I no longer sought to volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.  I then knew all of the people sleeping in my house.  The bank manager didn’t be threaten as in previous years.  My friends soon would marry and divorce instead of getting together and breaking-up.  I went from 130 days of holidays to around 20.  Jeans and a jumpers no longer qualified as ‘dressed up’.  I didn’t spend half my day strategically planning pub crawls.  I even joined the campaign to “hate scrounging students”.  I no longer had a strange attraction to road signs when I was under the influence of alcohol. I no longer took naps from noon to 6 p.m.  A £3 bottle of wine was no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.  I remembered the name of the person I’ll wake up next to.  I actually ate breakfast foods at breakfast time.  Either Way University was easier to understand than most things – okay the work was extremely hard and often led to bouts of depression, and insomnia.  It is not as cheap as I thought it would be, survival of the fittest, or Darwinian Theory is thrown full blown into contention. Not that any of this paragraph is accurate. University was different to life afterwards.

My second semester lectures started in early February and already the lectures were engaged on revision and exams.  I tried my hardest but felt a little unconfident the moment any chemistry or mathematics was thrown at me.  It was not easy being a John, but someone had to do it.  I had already signed up with 5 friends (Mike, Kez, Mel, Yaz, and my new friend Tom) for a building in the next year in town (on Baker Street), it worked out about 15% more expensive (plus electricity bills) than my first University accommodation, but second year students did not get any priority in accommodation next year.  The Baker Street maisonette was located in farting-distance of the station, town, and seafront.  It was, however, a mile from my lecture rooms on the Penglais campus.  This University has the fittest University students in the U.K.  No surprises!  It also boasted one of the U.K.’s highest suicidal rates, not really that nice a prospect.  For the second semester I had more practical work scheduled, more hours of learning (about 24 in 5 days ) and several trips to Borth Animalarium (8 miles North).

One Wednesday in February I had a football match at 2.30pm (at Blaendolau) which I seemed to dread for the fact that the team I played for (Officers’ Training Corp FC) appeared to be the most unorganised club ever.  They were 12-0 down when I came on for the second half against Gents’ Society UWA FC, we lost 12-1!  It was awful.  However, when it came to playing for University teams over the years I’d find more disorganized units as time flew by.  However the next match we won 4-0 in the league against the Beerkeepers’ FC.  I got 90 minutes to run around and chase the ball.  We played a friendly against the American Welsh FC and we were winning 5-0 when I was badly tackled.  The two players sandwiched me as I ran though on goal.  The ball left my feet and hit the net, I was crushed.  I had a bruised rib, dislocated knee, and several bruises.  They both received straight reds, we won 10-0.  I never got to play in the league or cup matches until just before Christmas where I made a start.  My knee was still troubling me a little, but seeing as only 11 people turned up, I had to fill in at Left-back position…. Well for 15 minutes until my legs were taken.  The player was only yellow carded.  I hopped around for the remainder of the game, made the odd challenge, no subs were available so I did my best – we lost 6-1 against a side we beat 4-0 (Beerkeepers’ FC).  Luckily it was only a cup game.  I managed another few games that season for the Officers’ Training Corp F.C. as we progressed to the quarter final of the Dig’s League.

Me, Mike and many other students regularly went down to Park Avenue and watch our adopted local football side Aberystwyth Town F.C. in the League of Wales; it was fun and Rhodri Giggs (brother of Ryan Giggs) played for them, and he was surprisingly good.  It was a youthful side, some old City players have been here with other League of Wales squads and Malcolm Allen played there too!  This seemed pretty amazing for a club I had never heard of, let alone seen until I came to Aberystwyth.  Aberystwyth finished 9th in season 2001/02 having beaten Connah’s Quay on the final day of the season.  Connah’s Quay had a postponed game the week later to move above Aberystwyth Town and qualify for the Football Association of Wales Premier Cup. Aberystwyth Town didn’t, but they put on a good end of season.

The Aberystwyth Arts Centre had an excellent exhibition programme and was one of the few venues in Wales acknowledged by the Arts Council as a Centre of Excellence.  It also offered you an excellent programme of exhibitions and many courses in art, drama, dance and music.  But for those who enjoy the outdoors, a bracing breeze and horizontal rain, with a football between your feet naturally.

The University playing fields represent the jewel in the crown of U.W.A.’s sporting facilities and are located on two sites.  The nationally renowned Vicarage Playing Fields, some 16 acres, are home to the U.W.A’s. first football, rugby, tennis and cricket teams.  The immaculately maintained facilities are the flagship of excellence and have been the envy of visiting teams for years, plus they were bloody good to score upon. Such was the quality, that the University was able to attract prestigious external user groups such as the Ian Rush Soccer Tournament, and even professional football teams.  The other, and larger, site is at Blaendolau where equally impressive pitches occupy some 34 acres.  Here, in addition to the many UWA team fixtures, was the venue for the Digs’ League football.  A further asset of both sites is their close proximity to the main campus, the town and student accommodation, thus making for easy accessibility.  Also, many goals were to be scored on this field.

Kim finally visited Manchester in May 2002, and we went to watch ET re-released at the cinema, and Kim met some of my family.  I had shown her the local Highfield Country Park, where somehow I managed to get splinters in my bottom-cheeks.

There was one particular walk which began like any other ordinary walk during May 2003.  Kez, Kim, Alana, Mike, and I were all walking along the south beach of Aberystwyth.  At the time I was wearing a T-shirt and shorts.  The sun was beating down keeping me very warm.  I had my sunglasses around my neck and a baseball cap on.  Tethered around my back was a small bag with a juice bottle, my mobile phone and other small keep-sakes in it.  Mike and I decided to speed up a little and explore this newly acquainted area.  We then went around the most southern point of the cove.  There before us lay rocks and crags at the foot of tall cliffs.  The cliffs looked strong.  Mike and I looked around the rocks finding the lower left mandible of a sheep and a few strange shells.  I then started to ascend my way up a sloping cliff (elevated around a 150-degree drop).  The bottom ten metres proved to be easy to climb.  The mid-section was not as easy but at the same time not too difficult.  I reached a point about five metres from the summit of the cliff face.  The ledge I was stood on became un-easy as if ready to collapse.  I turned around ready to descend slowly to the foot of the cliff.  The ledge collapsed.  Rocks tumbled beneath me.  The rocks bounced off crags in the cliffs, spiralling into the air dramatically before impacting the pebbles and crags below.  There and then I felt I could get myself back to safety.  I gasped hold of the protruding rocks to my right (southerly direction).  They crumbled.  The sea below hitting the pebble beach viciously became drowned out.  Panic had hit me.  To my left (just north) I could see Kim, Kez, Mike and Alana chatting and relaxing on flat area of rocks at the base of the cliffs.  The loneliness set in.  I thought fast what I should do next.  I waved with both hands as if needing help.  No response from the happy people below.  I signalled with nine fingers flashing them repeatedly.  Still there was no response.  I then took the extreme of launching my bag high into the sky and letting it drop half-way up the cliff.

Now they noticed me!  Then I realised that I had thrown my phone downwards inside the bag.  Luckily, Mike clambered up the cliff within four metres of me.  I could smell his aftershave.  I told him about the situation I was in.  A messy situation I was in.  He tried to tell me his situation but I exaggerated the situation I was in.  He phoned the emergency services.  As he was phoning my right foot slipped from beneath me.  The ledge had crumbled further.  I had only one place to put my left foot and use my right hand now to prop me up.  Below me loomed a fateful place to land.   I could do nothing but hold on.  Keep holding on.  Nothing else could be done, I had to hold on.  Mike chatted to me (upwind) although little of what he said registered.  My right arm was numb.  It had to support over ninety kilograms.  My left leg seemed to be slipping continually.

I constantly had to find a new footing.  Slate and stones were crumbling around me.  Rocks were tumbling down below.  I tried not to watch them.  Mike told me how the emergency services were on the way.  Kez, Kim, and Alana were sat there on the smooth rocks safely.  Even as I held onto my life I had to direct somebody to stand on the road around the side of the cliffs to wave down the emergency services.  Looking at my watch it was 1700.  I had been there around 15 minutes already.   Mike laughed, “at least it’s sunny!”  Then I looked out to see.  The sunlight became covered by clouds.  Briefly a beam of light shone through.  I pictured it as a stairway to heaven.  It felt so surreal.  I imagined a voice beckon aloud, “this way John”.  Then I imagined the Earth below tear apart to the sound of Take That singing “Relight My Fire”.  Should I choose Heaven or hell?  I’ll choose… life!  It was becoming cold; I shivered, petrified of the fall below, nervous twitches rocked my left leg repeatedly.  The leg I needed to hold myself up was numb and shivering rapidly.  It slipped off several times.  Only my quick instinct recaptured my stance of security on the cliff.

The emergency services came at 1740.  A police car led three fire engines, an ambulance (to reassure me – they told me it was a precaution), and a mountain rescue jeep.  The sound of sirens will always remind me how warm I felt as they came down the seaside road.  Within minutes, two firemen were below to my right unable to reach me.  One was above (also, unable to reach me).  The Mountain rescue team had set their winching equipment up and an abseiling man descended downwards to me.  He stood in front of me.  They than fastened a belt around me.  He hooked the belt onto the abseil line.  We both slowly walked upwards with my legs spread apart painfully to balance the weight.  I looked down at my extremely pale legs, cold.  It was very cold.  A few scratches displayed blue tints around them.  My skin was icy.  At last I reached the summit.  It was better late than never.

An RAF Air Sea Rescue Sea King thundered around above me and the rescue workers.  The noise drowned out the sea below.  Air thumped downwards causing me to collapse.  A paramedic greeted me.  He wrapped shiny tinfoil over me. The down-thrust from the helicopter above unwrapped the shiny tinfoil.  The helicopter moved into position.  A winch man manoeuvred downwards.  He hooked the paramedic onto the winch and sent him up alone first.  The winch man comforted me as we waited.  Then the winch came down empty.  He hooked himself on.  He strapped me in with two harnesses.  I loosely lay (almost floppy) as we winched up slowly.  A down thrust of air hit us, the cable span around causing me to hit my head on the helicopter.  My mouth caught on the winch man’s jacket.  Blood ran out of my mouth as I pulled forwards to avoid further injury.  They placed my on a seat in the helicopter and we thundered off to Blaendolau fields where we touched down.  They carried me to the ambulance and placed me on a stretcher.  The ambulance raced off to the hospital.  I was in a hypothermic state and tachycardia.  I had a sore head but nothing too serious.  By 1920 hours I was in hospital and being warmed up.  I was lucky.  I owe my life to my friends, the fire brigade, the RAF helicopter rescue service (coastguard), the paramedics, and the mountain rescue teams.

The 6th of June was the date that everyone looked forward to at the Student Union.  Wheatus’ tour passed the seaside town, my Wheatus album overplayed, and the atmosphere heated up.  Me, Kim, Kez and Mel were first in the queue, and the over-enthusiastic I was right at the front.  The band did not disappoint.  The disappointment came when Kez, Kim and Mel left straight after the concert.  I wasn’t confident enough to stick around asking for autographs on my own!  At times like these I wanted to escape University and join the Amy.  That was not a spelling mistake; just I’d rather have met an Amy than been with Kim.

In summer, I wanted to return home.  Home is where the heart is, and at that time my heart must have been in Sesame Street.  And then, when I did return home, I ended up returning back to Aberystwyth for the summer period. In June 2002 Mike, Yaz, Kez, Mel, Tom and I moved into a new maisonette on Baker Street.  This would be our accommodation for 2002/2003 during term.  Mike immediately started work in Clarach alongside me.  His irritating jokes, easily wound up and over competitiveness got too me.  I left work within days.

I started a job at Spar on Terrace Road, and Mike would eventually leave the Showboat in Clarach opting for work at Caffi Morgan in town.  My friend Em visited from Oldham in summer, she left having been freaked out by Mike.  She told me how he tried it on with her after she had left Aber.  This surprised me, knowing Mike and Alana had been going out for a few months.  September soon arrived, and Mike set about making me feel small.  Our new flat mate Tom steered clear of Mike.  I tried my best to avoid competition with Mike, but he insisted on reminding me how I had failed my first year and he was now a successful second year.  He was in charge of the Biological Society and was even a player for the new UWA Greens F.C.(which I had invited him to play for us).

Tom and I became good friends, and we often walked to Clarach on our free afternoons.  Tom was originally from southern England but had been living in Newport (West Wales) with his mum.  Tom studied Computer Science, enjoyed movies, liked to talk, and was ambitious.  He was also a good person to have around in order to build my confidence up.  Tom was planning on moving to Canada once he left university in 2004.

As a flat we had our Christmas lunch together.  Kim and Alana were both invited.  I was called immature by Mel for wearing my Christmas Hat on my ear.  I was pretty much told to grow up.  For some unknown reason the entire flat was turning against me.  I would walk into the lounge and a conversation descended into silence.  An argument with Mel, about a CD that had gone missing (and I said Mike had it) resulted in Mel telling me to drop my grudges against Mike, and grow up.  I said some pretty harsh words at her.  We both slammed doors, I smashed a glass.  Later Mike returned the CD to Mel.  The grudge was now in full flow.  The grudge was against Kez, Mel and Mike.

In January 2003 when there was only me and Mike at the house we cycled to Devil’s Bridge.  This took our mind off revision and allowed us to keep our friendship intact as there were many heated moments prior to this.

In May 2003 I went to the May Ball.  It was supposed to be just me and Kim, but Kez, and Mel joined us for most of the night.  Mike shown off on the bungee jump, and anywhere he could when he was with Alana or any of the girls.  The only thing I enjoyed was seeing the Blues Brothers Tribute Band, and Kim did not seem too keen.  I was made to follow her around all evening.  Kim and I were hitting rocky waters.  I was tired of being ignored when she came round, and tired of having to go to Kim’s for quality time together.  At Kim’s house on Prospect Street she would go off to talk to Jenny and leave me alone in the room.  I felt ignored.

I turned to football and watching DVDs with Tom.  At which stage Kim accused me of not wanting to spend time with her.  I wanted to escape the relationship.  I would not however as her best mates Mike, Kez, and Mel lived in my flat.  I did not want a potential split to cause repercussions in the flat – it was difficult enough already!

Kim told me how Mike, Kez, Alana, and Yaz were going to share 2 Pentre Jane Morgan together for their final year.  I was invited but did not want to join the others.  They had not liked me turning down their offer, over the fact I wanted to meet new friends being a year behind them.

For summer I went home to work, and relax.  I hoped the break apart would do me and Kim good.  It seemed to work.  We met up to go to Birmingham’s Sea Life Centre and Chester Zoo whilst taking it easy.  Kim even came to Llandudno with me for a pre-season friendly.  We stayed in a hotel, had a meal and went up the Great Orme.

Kim invited me to her cousin Emma’s wedding in Preston.  A wedding should bring people closer but it only made me feel more distant.  We arranged to go to Cardiff to see Manchester City play TNS in a UEFA Cup game next.  We stayed by the university and watched the football.  Kim finally met my brother Ace and my Dad.  She was very shy acting.  I could not work out why.  Kim had nothing to be shy about usually.

The end of September arrived and I moved from Manchester to Aber once again.  This time I was going to return to university halls.  I was to move into Ty Caron, room 3, flat 1.  I met Jon Hughes and Simon who lived in the room opposite my own.  Gemma and Rachael lived behind the door to my right.  Vicky and Sarah lived in the room to my left, by the bathroom and opposite the kitchen.

Jon Hughes was originally born in Northern Ireland in 1984.  Jon Hughes, nicknamed Buzza had lived in Liverpool from an early age.  Naturally he had no connection with Manchester.  Like many others in the World who are not connected with Manchester, he supports Manchester United.  Buzza was a student of English.  Jon shared his room with Simon, and International Politics post-graduate student.  Simon was from Poland, and interesting to talk to about world affairs.

As part of my 21st birthday present Kim brought me tickets for Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack Adventure show (at the Aber Arts Centre on December the 7th).  Kim did not come out for my 21st as she was ill.  I started my celebrations at noon in Yr Hen Gorsaf (the Wetherspoon’s in Aber).  Steve Lynno, Tom Foster, the twins and Stew Spink departed with me for Caersws.  In Caersws we started at The Red Lion public house.  We were met by Matt Hemsley, Sonny and Cher (real names unknown), Matt Cooling, Mark Cornock, Nige Carr Evans, Mike Watts, and many others.  I did not need to buy a drink that night!  Everybody seemed to buy me a drink.  We then staggered to watch Aberystwyth lose 3-1 to Caersws in a FAW Premier Cup game.  After the game we went to the Caersws F.C. Social Club, and departed by train to Aber. We spent a few hours in The Bay, where Claire Robbins joined up with us.  Afterwards we went back to Claire’s house to indulge into American Pie 2 and a few drinks.

I spent my third New Year with Kim after Christmas 2003.  This one was not as fun.  We did not really do much.  This boat was certainly going to hit the rocks soon.

By February and as a means of escapism I and my friend Matt Cooling decided to go for a day out up the Cambrian coast.  We visited Llanaber, Barmouth, and Harlech.

A small group of Behaviour Biology students was invited to Chester Zoo for a conference on Environmental Enrichment in mid-January 2004.  This was an ideal day out, and also a good way of reducing the travel time spent alone from Manchester.

Dad, Ace, and I watched and FA Cup game, in which City drew one apiece with Tottenham Hotspurs in late January.  City had already beaten Leicester City in the FA Cup.  The replay was screened live on Sky Sports in the Snooker Club.  Nige (City season ticket holder and university porter), Wattsy (season ticket holder at City, and a university porter), Tom (from my flat in second year), and Adriano (co-owner of Evola hairdressers in Aber, and a keen City fan) watched the replay in which City was three nil down at half time.  Joey Barton had been sent off.  City came out in the second half scoring through Distin, Bosvelt and Wright-Phillips.  City’s keeper Arni Arason (the Icelandic number one) made some superb saves to keep City in with a slim chance of reaching extra time and penalties.  Jon Macken produced a fourth goal in the dying minutes sending City through to a FA Cup at Old Trafford.  The game versus Spurs was amazing, and they did eventually bring a DVD out!

On the day of February the 18th 2004, Wales beat Scotland 4-0.  I went to Cardiff with Sidelights (who does know where the accelerator is).  We watched Wales and then returned to Aber.  Kim had a go at me for preferring football to a Valentine’s meal.  I tried explaining why I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day.  Valentine’s Day gives a neglectful or aggressive husband or boyfriend the opportunity to be romantic by sending a commercialised card or gift to a supposed love one.  That idea to me does not suggest romance or love.  I secretly did not want Kim to think I loved her, in case she loved me.  We were going to split up, but not whilst she was deep into her year three project work.  She did not have time to talk to me, so I was stubborn and would wait until after her work was handed in.

On the 26th I waited for Kim to come and join me at the Football Club.  There was snow knee deep, but Kim decided she would rather sledge with Mike and Alana than see me.  This created major tension. Kim handed her Dissertation work in on the 12th of March.  We split up on the 13th of March.  On the 14th of March Bangor City beat Aberystwyth 2-1 at Park Avenue Stadium.  I had found Kim’s presents for her birthday (31st of March) in my cupboard.

I decided to pass these onto Kim the day after I went to Manchester to City win 4-1 in the home derby game.  Manchester United was turned over thanks to goals from Fowler, Macken, Sinclair and Wright-Phillips.  I was sat two rows from the goal-end where Macken and Fowler had scored.  I was feet away from Macken when he celebrated his goal.  The 15th came and I met Kim on the seafront.  We walked towards the castle, I handed her the presents and some personal possessions.  Kim handed me a bag with a T-shirt and jacket I had left at hers.  We hugged and said goodbye.

Mike Bagnall came around the next night.  He was dressed up for a night out.  He asked if he could go in, I offered him a drink.  I looked outside the window to see Harry (Jenny’s boyfriend stood across the road).  I knew Mike was looking for trouble.  He wanted to know why I had split with Kim.  I said how it was not meant to be.  He started to get personal, saying how “I had to retake first year and had nothing but resentment for him.”  He even accused me of not having a best friend called Dan back home.  Because Dan worked for the Army and the Iraqi crisis was going on, Dan could not visit.  Mike told me I made him up, and he is just in my mind.  He asked to see a photograph of Dan.  I did not have one to hand.  I asked him if he was looking for a fight.  He said, “Yes, let’s go outside.”  I replied with, “If you want a fight, we will have one right here, and I guarantee you will not walk away.”  That reply must have scared him because he was quiet for a few moments.  He then said, “Right mate, I’m going to have to go, as I am going out tonight with friends.”  I liked the way he exaggerated the word friends, it reminded me how I had lots of friends from football, university lectures (e.g. Rob, and Susan), and home!  He offered to shake hands, but I would not.  He was no friend.  I showed him the door.  I had shown great resilience in my room, as he was probably the first person I have ever wanted to hit full force in the face, and then continue beating him to a pulp until he no longer made a sound.  The difference between me and him then was I’m capable yet restrained.  He was incapable yet a loose cannon, looking for a battle he could never have won.

Term passed quickly, lectures with my imaginary friends Laura Baker and Rob Palmer passed quickly.  On May the 22nd Aberystwyth Town Football Club held its annual club dinner awards night.  I received the David Pugh Sportsman of the Year and the Clubman of the year award alongside a Spar Mid Wales Winners cup.  I received these awards for helping the club progress in the previous season.  I had assisted with advertising, managing the Astroturf, helping with the matchday programme, and being available on matchdays etc.  The committee of Glan Davies, Rhun Owens, Jim Edwards, Ian Pugh “Sidelights”, Anne Jones, John Dunn, Alan Cookson, and company had voted for me to be Clubman of the year.

On the 2nd day of June 2004, a good friend, Chris Howells assisted me in moving into 48 Gerddi Rheidol.  Another good friend, Nige Carr Evans was renting a spare room out to me.  My final year in University was to be spent living across the river Rheidol in Trefechan.  48 Gerddi Rheidol housed a recently decorated kitchen, a luxurious lounge with two leather settees, a cool bathroom, and my room located facing North into the town.  The view was of many gardens from a nearby terraced housing street, with a brief glimpse of the Kiln Bridge (opening in 2004, and spanning the river Rheidol).  I returned to Manchester on the 3rd in order to spend a few days relaxing at home before my new job for the University Managed & Leased Properties services as a Porter.

On the 5th of June 2004, I was supposed to watching England F.C. face the Icelandic football association team at the City of Manchester Stadium.  England would win 6-1.  But due to a few drinks the night before with Pete, and his mates this never happened.  We started off rolling dice in the Goose on Piccadilly to decide which public houses we would visit next.  As we could not collectively decide which public house to go to as a group, we decided on six towns in close proximity.  Stockport, Bolton, Bury, Oldham, Blackburn and Blackpool were chosen.  After we had decided many hours later, I ended up rushing home to grab my rucksack.  I packed my clothes and things ready for my return to Aber on the 6th, as I had to start work on the 7th.

By 9pm, we were on a Virgin train heading due south for a village known as London.  We had planned to stay at Pete’s friends’ house that lived in Charlton.  By 11pm we were in a bar, and slightly tipsy (the crate of beer on the train journey not helping).  Midnight passed, and somehow I became separated from Pete and his mates.  My phone battery had died, and my rucksack had disappeared.  Somehow, I ended up lost, lonely, and with only the contents of my wallet to help me get out of this mess.  I was approached by a student called Susan, who studied Engineering at Uxbridge’s Brunel University.  She brought me a few drinks, and eventually asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a drink (in the Nescafe sense or not, I pondered?).  We headed back to her lodgings at her university.  We seemed to talk the whole night away, and then gently fall asleep, Susan in her bed, and me on her sofa in her room.  It seemed she did not just want to jump on top of me, and given the state I was in, I did not blame her.

Also, I made the text below smaller and lighter because I have been a tad graphic, again. Like I said, flip it. I am not hiding anything. It has to be written.

The next morning I woke up, crept to her bathroom, and a quick wash, using her towel, and then squeezed some toothpaste into my mouth and swilled it round as intensely as possible.  This seemed to do the trick, it certainly felt fresh.  What about deodorant?  I looked over at her Sure fragrance free roll-on.  It did the job.  I moved stealthily back in to get dressed, and managed so successfully.  At that point her bedroom door opened and in walked Susan, already dressed.  It appeared she had already been up, dressed and been to have breakfast without me knowing.  At this stage I was fully dressed.  She came over and I said thanks, and we hugged.  Hugs led to kisses, kisses led to her feeling my back, my shirt came off, and we ended up naked.  She said she wanted me in her.  She grabbed me close; I pulled away, and said, “I’ll just get a condom from my wallet.”  I said this praying I had one there.  She said, “Don’t worry we don’t need it.”  I reached into my wallet anyway, and tore the condom wrapper open.  I placed it on, better safe than sorry.  The first time we were intimate was kind of rushed, and the second time we both reached orgasm at the same time, but the third time that night lasted hours (kind of burning) but we reached orgasm and managed to finish off the three condoms in my wallet.  That is why they come in packs of three I think.  I stayed that night, and Susan gave me a lift to Heathrow station the next morning, we waved goodbye, agreed it was just fun.  Eight hours later, and three changes I arrived in sunny Aberystwyth. 

On the 7th of June 2004 I started work for the University Managed and Leased Properties as a Porter.  A Porter is just a glorified cleaner.  The boss, a Bernie Virgin was a smarmy camp guy, obsessed with targets.  The targets were always met, but he would insist on going over the targets again even if they were perfectly clean rooms in the first place.  His number two henchman was Jane Morgan, mother of staff member Will.  Jane was equally as irritating as Bernie, but with the added attribute of treating each member of staff like a child.  This did not go down very well (not like a room full of ladies in a Mardi Gras special hotel).  Many rebellions were planned, very little action occurred.  Mike and Lynwen were related to senior management and could slack off as much as possible.  Ron, a very nice American (is that a contradiction?) left in mid-July as he set off on a round the World tour starting from Bristol at his girlfriend’s house, and taking in America and China.  He was the first to leave.  Will left without telling his Mum that he was moving to Ireland to live and work alongside his fiancé.  Will had footballing experience in Carmarthen, Haverfordwest and was a very skilful footballer, but his knee injury in 2003 cut his football ambitions short.  For some unknown reason his mum Jane, and the supervisors, be they Marina or Mrs Jones, seemed to think me and Will worked hard together.  I had been working alongside Kai (Chinese super-worker from Shanghai) for the first week, and we had done more than our quota.  The supervisors mixed me with Will next, and he taught me the key to skiving off from work.  We were supposed to clean the hallways of Aberglasney house, Plynlimon, etc. but we managed to sit on the stairs chatting all day.  One day we even managed to sneak onto the beach and watch the day go by.  Mike left next, after Will.  Jurah (a Kiwi, based in Gloucester) departed next as he wanted more time with his Taiwanese girlfriend for travelling.

Little Andy had worked there in the previous two summers, and had already learnt how to avoid work to a perfection from Will.  He was always twinned with big Andy “Dogs” who soon learnt where to skive, smoke as many roll-ups as possible, and relax away from the superior staff sights.  This was some comparison to doctorate student Julie and Lynwen who seemed to enjoy working hard all day without breaking, yet achieving the same results as the lazy many.  There was also Vicky and Lindsay, who worked slow but steadily as they were always victims of supervision.

Ouday was also working in Aber for yet another summer.  He explained he wanted to achieve his masters in Business Studies so that he would not have to return to India to a pre-arranged marriage.  Ouday may have been the quietest guy in the group but he was a very interesting person to talk to (naturally whilst skiving from work).

I, Kai, little Andy, and Jurah met up with Jon Hughes to watch the Castell Rock outdoor bands perform on the 19th of August 2004.  It was the laziest Saturday on the Aber Castle grounds I’ve ever spent with some of the friendliest co-workers I have known.  We even met up to see the odd film at the cinema, Kai especially enjoying Kill Bill volume two.  He, like me being a big kid at the time, except he was twenty-six years of age!

On the day Aberystwyth Town faced Dinaburg in the UEFA Intertoto Cup, I was selling matchday programmes (as edited by myself, but poorly assembled by the club photocopier), and trying to avoid Mum, Paul, Astrid and Paul who had travelled to Newtown to watch the game.  A parent’s partner in front of team-mates, friends, and colleagues whilst clearly under the affect of a few local bitters was funny, yet a bit irritating when all you want to do is watch the game!  Still it was fun.  Aber drew a goalless game with Dinaburg on the 19th of June 2004, but lost 4-0 away in Latvia.  Sadly, I was working that day and could also not afford the trip.

In 2004/05, I was determined to return to playing regular football one way or another.  On the 17th Of August training at Penparcau F.C.’s Min-y-Ddol began. The first session went well, however in my second session a football hit me on the lower side of my left jaw.  The impact had caused a molar tooth to crack, and had also forced the tooth deep into my jaw.  At first it was not too bad.  Eventually pieces would fall out, and the pain would be agonising beyond belief.  A constant headache was with me for a long time.  I could not find a dentist locally or in Manchester.

On the 7th of August, Matt Cooling drove me and Mike Watts up to see Manchester City F.C. in a home friendly versus Lazio.  City won 3-1.  The journey was hot, the day was hot, and the wasp that landed on my ear causing me to run 100m faster than athlete made me feel hot. A summer worked towards a close, my final year of university was due to begin…

TO BE CONTINUED.

John II

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

Mum and Paul soon needed a larger house; there were five of us and only two rooms.  We arrived at Broom Avenue, off Broom Lane in 1991.  This road was located in the district of Levenshulme.  Levenshulme was famed for its antiques village, and very little else.  I started at a new primary school, this time Chapel Street Primary.  The new challenge of making friends was not easy.  Year 3 was not easy.  The bullies soon discovered new prey.  Who better to pick on than a dictionary-crazed, mathematically-ahead-of-them, wildlife-loving kid who was way ahead of them, or seemed to be because he didn’t eat erasers or fart the national anthem using his armpit as an instrument. I never thought I was better than anyone. They projected this onto me. Made me feel inferior by appearing superior. I hurt lots. Every day. Every year for nearly four years straight.  I became more and more distant from the other kids, as I often found people would reject me as a friend. I didn’t trust anyone, initially.  Troublesome Peter Ridyard, and snobby Alex Muir became my friends.  It was rare I would play out with them until year 5, as they lived far away at the other end of Broom Lane [although just 2km away, it seemed, back then, to be closer to London].

Within days of moving into Levenshulme, Pup had run from the house, and Astrid had run after him between parked cars.  Astrid was hit and landed many feet from the point of impact as the car screeched to a halt.  I remember the day as it was so confusing for me.  I had been taken to see trains go by with Ernie (my Granny Ivy’s partner) at Levenshulme station.  We were eating Gregg’s Bakery pasties on the platform and he was telling me and Grannyny Ivy all about how trains worked and the good old days of steam.  We returned to my house to discover from the neighbour’s Mary and Bill that they had all rushed to hospital with Astrid.  Later that day Paul returned with Paul junior.  He told us how it had happened, and how Astrid was.  She had suffered severe head injuries and a broken leg.  It would take weeks at Booth Hall Children’s Hospital (where I had my hernia operation aged 7), and months of intense physiotherapy and treatment at Rodney House Specialist Support & Outreach School before Astrid with recover.

The day after the accident Dad collected Pup from our home.  The only way I would now see my closest friend was when Dad would pick me up.

During May 1991, within days of starting school I finally swam my length at Levenshulme swimming baths.  It was apparent I was not going to be a channel swimmer, but I did progress from a width to a length.  Class 4PC as dictated by the tyrant Miss Clegg started with a bang.  Within two weeks I had many things confiscated by the hairy-nosed teacher.  Two Lego men, countless Micro Machine cars, and twenty pence (as provided by the tooth-fairy) went into her large laundry-bag-come-personal-suitcase.  My attendance at school however was excellent.  I did enjoy learning even if I hated the bullies.  Miss Clegg referred to me as a loner on many occasions but made no effort to help me make new friends.  I was behaving sensibly (to mix and mingle amongst the other monsters may have got me into trouble and maybe even eaten by Miss Clegg).

Miss Clegg was an enforcer of learning.  Whilst under her control, our class worked as hard as possible.  We worked on as many ways as to wind her up on the class trip to Levenshulme library [a place of dreams], we sneak off and hunt down the Anne Hooper’s books for a giggle.  We also rotated the “who can throw a rubber [eraser] at Cleggy and get away with it” game amongst ourselves.  At parents’ evening as with many years of schooling, I’d be told alongside my parents that my work was great, and my work rate was above average but my handwriting was poor.  Maybe then I had foreseen the Computer-typed work age.  Besides in Miss Cleggs class would I shiver often at the thought of being told to slow down and let others catch up.  That, and I had to keep an eye on my back, at the bullies. How could my handwriting be neat under those conditions?

In September 1993, a wise and witty teacher by the name Andrew Jones began to teach us.  He allowed us more room with our imaginations and helped us with our vocabularies.  This teacher was dedicated to his job.  He helped my confidence, encouraged me to be recognised by the class in teams, and congratulated me on a determined improvement of my handwriting.  During this academic year several pupils visited Ghyll Head Outdoor Education Centre, close to Lake Windermere.  The car park view looked over the great lake.  Our supervisory teachers included Mr Jones, Mrs Treanor (the deputy head-teacher), and Miss Spencer.

On the Monday we explored the site grounds of Ghyll Head, climbed the rope course, and I also met numerous mallard ducks.  They were already hand tame and loved the bread I had brought them.  On the Tuesday, we enjoyed rock scrambling on Humphrey Head overlooking Morecambe Bay.  We also kayaked across Lake Windermere seeing several swan eggs along an island to the West of the lake.  The other days varied from horse-riding like John Wayne, to gorge walking, tunnelling two miles up an underground flood drain, caving in Ingleside (Yorkshire) and singing on many mini-buses.  On the final night we had a barbeque and Mr Jones claimed he was drinker a Larger drink, but we all knew it was Lager!  During my stay at Ghyll Head, I had to sleep for five nights in room Gimmer.  There was also five others there, and we chatted late into the night with mad post-mushy-peas farting epidemics. The older kids were friendlier than the younger students there. I didn’t feel threatened.

The end of year five arrived, and before departing for home for the summer period, Mr Jones very kindly gave me a set of encyclopaedias he had learnt from as a child.  It was a very generous and touching gift, and I thanked him.  Mr Jones was my greatest Primary school teacher.  In fact he remains my greatest teacher of all time, and I hope he is doing very well for himself.

Miriam Roe was our next teacher.  6MR was a very lively year, with me, Osman and Alex always doing Smashy and Nicey impressions (characters from the TV show, Harry Enfield and Chums).  We even allowed Evangalia Votski into our group, she was a very kind friendly Greek girl. She was also the first girl I ever found attractive and wanted to kiss. It wasn’t to be. Miss Roe taught me that even when I wish to be independent that asking for help at times when I required it would not be frowned upon.  I survived a year of bullying, and Chapel Street Primary school with its giant six-foot-plus headteacher that was Mr Gary Kershaw.  I no longer had Mr Kershaw to guide me through school, and help me avoid trouble.  After Summer, I would enter high school in Reddish Vale with classmate James Cliff.

To summarise my early years, I had a coin ride obsession when I was a wee toddler; I most likely kept Professor Peabody’s in Blackpool’s Winter Gardens open for trade; enjoyed many a holiday in Cleveleys and Morecambe with Nana and Dad, and many other family members; I remember getting drenched one birthday in Blackpool with Neil Fanning and my Mum;  I even remember pushing my sister Astrid, aged two, up the Great Orme in Llandudno; and if anyone invites you to Scarborough for a holiday, say no.  Scarborough can boast grey skies that would rival the likes of a winter in Wales. But now, after three primary schools and years of relative comfort, the ride of life would begin…

TO BE CONTINUED

How are the Yazidis doing?

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

To the tune of Jingle Bells:

Dashing through the town, not looking to play, mowing all down, it doesn’t matter today… Genocide, genocide, happens every day… Oh, how the west, would wish it went away… Oh, genocide, genocide, happening every day…

Okay, not the most uplifting topic to begin writing with on a Friday morning. How did I even start thinking such satirical bollocks? Simple. I read the news. The thing about genocide is that there is always one happening. When stubborn and often stupid leaders want to wipe away opposition, that is one thing, but eradicating an entire race is utterly evil. It didn’t just begin with the Holocaust but the word did stem from Raphael Lemkin’s book Axis Rule in Occupied Europe, published in 1944. Before that the largest recorded account would probably be the European colonisation of the Americas. This is a large and less civilised piece of modern history. The Dzungar (准噶尔灭族; Zhǔngá’ěr mièzú), Circassian, Manifest Destiny, California, Selk’nam, Namaqua and Herero, Green, Assyrian, Armenian, Libyan, Soviet famine, and Kazakhstan genocides filled a period of time form the 1750s to 1933. Bleak, right? Did it end in World War Two with the Holocaust and Porajmos? Not at all! People from Bangladesh, Burundi, East Timor, Cambodia, Guatamala, Kurdish, and Isaaq fell from the 1970s to late 1980s.

Now, there is the crisis of the Rohingya Muslims and the fallout from the Ratko Mladic era of pain and suffering in Bosnia (and Yugoslavia). How are the Yazidis doing in northern Iraq and Syria?

In 1994, the world seemingly stood by and watched Rwanda explode as the Hutu majority squashed the Tutsi population, Twa, and moderate Hutus into oblivion. The cause was hugely complex and the after effects are still drastic today. It has been estimated that in the 50 years leading up to 2016 that 43 genocides have led to 50 million deaths. An equally large number of people have been displaced and sought resettlement. The International Court of Justice has held countless and expensive court cases against numerous war criminals. They have costs taxpayers millions and their remaining victims have often been left feeling tortured and humiliated. Ever since I read the book We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Our Families, by Philip Gourevitch, I have paid more attention to ethnic cleansing news. The book had made me physically sick but opened my mind to horrors in ways that history teaching, news broadcasts of theYugoslavia conflict could not convey. I wasn’t a teenager when the serious Rwanda genocide hit the news. I read this book much later, when I was at university, in a spell of procrastination, where I would read everything and anything. This book strangled my attention. The movie Hotel Rwanda barely touched on the horror and affect on the people. Whilst Don Cheadle on the supporting cast were wonderful, it simply felt like a lighter take on hell. Not that we, as cinema-goers, want to see a quarter to half a million rape scenes as happened, or the genital mutilation of men. Nor did we want to see the HIV-riddled and AIDS fall-out that followed, or pygmy people (Batwa/Twa) being eliminated categorically. The 400,000 orphans of the years that followed are now likely in their twenties and thirties, if living. A quarter would have become the head of their family.

The world watched news. The big countries and strength looked away, worried of a new Battle of Mogadishu. That Somalian killing field and the U.N.’s Assistance Mission for Rwanda led to utter failure on the part of supposed world policing. Israel’s documentation regarding arms sales to Rwanda remains sealed. Since then there has been the Great Lakes refugee crisis, the First and Second Congo Wars. The Gacaca Courts and the International Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda have dwindled away. The horrors as fresh as the small Kigali Genocide Memorial Centre, which holds a quarter of a million remains!

So, what is genocide? Brutal, generation-affecting and ill-meaning to all. It has effects on the leaders, their victims and those who carry out the atrocities. The ripple of the pool spreads globally. Those who had power to act and did not, are equally to blame. If their aim is to deliberately murder a whole community or race and they fail, but come close, they have aready changed the dynamics of that community and race. Each massacre, slaughter and eradication attempt towards a nationality or ethnic race, should have been the end. The final act.

 

There are quotes galore about this horrid subject and matter, and discussion comes and goes, but more choose to focus on iPods, the latest running trainers and what’s hot in the kid’s Christmas aisle. Wars and poverty have hugely influenced a vacuum, and in vaccums hate thrives. This isn’t an argument or thought-rich piece of writing I convey, it is just a simple, open up your minds. Those who don’t act, witness the slaughter of other peoples. Nobody wants to see bad news, day in, day out, but right now the media are being guided by leaders like Trump and matters so trivial that the viewer is patronised. A Victoria’s Secret model that falls on the catwalk is not news. Nor is the denial of a visa to a pop megastar to China. Perhaps Yemen might feature on the next genocide, or the Philipines… or Cambodia again. The warnings of history are there to be read, but we’re all reading about insects made into bread.


“You have to understand what caused genocide to happen. Or it will happen again.” Tim Walz


“Rwanda can be a paradise again, but it will take the love of the entire world to heal my homeland. And that’s as it should be, for what happened in Rwanda happened to us all – humanity was wounded by the genocide.” Immaculee Ilibagiza


“The 20th century taught us how far unbridled evil can and will go when the world fails to confront it. It is time that we heed the lessons of the 20th century and stand up to these murderers. It is time that we end genocide in the 21st century.” Allyson Schwartz


“My people are few. They resemble the scattering trees of a storm-swept plain…There was a time when our people covered the land as the waves of a wind-ruffled sea cover its shell-paved floor, but that time long since passed away with the greatness of tribes that are now but a mournful memory.” Chief Seattle, The Chief Seattle’s Speech


“We must win in Iraq. If we withdraw, there will be chaos; there will be genocide; and they will follow us home.” John McCain


“They want us to be afraid.

They want us to be afraid of leaving our homes.

They want us to barricade our doors

and hide our children.

Their aim is to make us fear life itself!

They want us to hate.

They want us to hate ‘the other’.

They want us to practice aggression

and perfect antagonism.

Their aim is to divide us all!

They want us to be inhuman.

They want us to throw out our kindness.

They want us to bury our love

and burn our hope.

Their aim is to take all our light!

They think their bricked walls

will separate us.

They think their damned bombs

will defeat us.

They are so ignorant they don’t understand

that my soul and your soul are old friends.

They are so ignorant they don’t understand

that when they cut you I bleed.

They are so ignorant they don’t understand

that we will never be afraid,

we will never hate

and we will never be silent

for life is ours!” Kamand Kojouri


“First, they came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.” Martin Niemöller, from the poem “First they came…”


 

To quote Coldplay, open up your eyes, but more importantly, our minds need to be exercised not nullified. I don’t claim to understand genocide at all. I don’t. I just think some things need a spot of time to think about, no matter how tough a subject they are. Perhaps next time, I can rip into cancer…

 

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

Kind of Personal Views (Teaching)

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

School requested an article on education, experience or some such similar subject. So, I drafted the following:

Personal Views of Teaching

Hey, hey, my name is Mr John. I come from Manchester, the northern powerhouse of England. The industrial revolution and communism have origins in my hometown. Aside from links to Friedrich Engels, Karl Marx and the first railway station, my city is famous for music, football and cycling now. That and a T.V. show called Coronation Street! My interests include writing, reading, history and Chinese culture. I enjoy swimming, football, cycling and eating. You can see from my stomach that I like eating. I am not slim.

For me there are few things more rewarding than introducing new words, topics, and questions – only to see the students embrace these and use these frequently. The ostrich and kangaroo cannot walk backwards, and this is an approach to speaking English, I hope all students will hold. I believe teaching is far more than textbooks and games. Confidence, belief and an interesting and engaging classroom environment deepen learning in a way black and white words cannot. I believe in investment in classroom materials, the classroom decoration and books.

To make the learning environment bright and bold, is to awaken the imagination. Stories, the skill of questioning and a hunger to want more from each class goa long way to releasing a students’ full potential. Taking elements from great comedians like Laurel and Hardy, or Morecambe and Wise and applying slapstick humour, appropriate dialogue and real world uses of language is important. Communication through body language is equally as important as the words we speak.

A happy teacher is one free of out-of-school distractions, settled in a home and passionate from morning to evening. There are many great non-native speaking teachers but to be perfect, a school must headhunt the best available teachers. In an ideal world they must all be native speakers, or educated at the highest levels in order to offer genuine and authentic pronunciation. On top of this the foreign teacher must offer a glimpse of their cultures. There is a vast difference between many peoples, and the people of the U.S.A., U.K., Ireland and Australia have also very much distinct heritages.

A cosy work environment makes for a settled teacher. Schools should work tirelessly to retain their best teachers, whether Chinese, foreign or alien! We all remember our best teachers from our times in schools. Few former students will remember ever-changing lines of teachers. Teachers should feel valued and wanted. A steady teacher can settle and offer support to students, parents and colleagues alike.

From my experiences within China, I have an understanding, of face, the love for food and other intangible cultural facts. However, my attitude is that the world is changing. We must preserve our heritage but not at the expense of the future. I hope to push our students to respect key areas of conversation such as recycling, the importance of our environmental, conservation, and more daily matters like brushing your teeth and eating less sugar. In my classrooms there is no flag of one nation, there is an international door welcoming all nations as one. To be stronger, for China, we must work together as one and put aside history or politics. We must respect one another and make our students prepared for the world ahead.

Students are central to schools, like water is to life. To that end we must protect and maintain the purity and safety of our students. A safe area of studies, where each student will spend the majority of their week, is one in which they can blossom. In the classroom, facts, figures and essential life skills can be honed. Parents can support and provide common sense which together with schooling will enhance a child’s future prospects.

My time in China has been enjoyable and inspiring. Each positive day pushes me on, and makes me hungry to not just do my best, but to want to try new things and make a difference. I hope each and every day in school features a plethora of smiles for students and just reward at the end of the road. Some days it won’t come easy, some days it won’t come at all, but these are days that make and break us. Being broken isn’t the end, it can be the foundation for a grand building, a great future and to that end, every student can succeed. Every student has potential and it is up to us, the teachers, the guardians, the parents, the guides to help each student find their feet. They can do it. We can do it. You can do it.

From the above, I then edited it down to the below:

Personal Views: Teaching

Hey, hey, my name is Mr John. I come from the city of Manchester, in the U.K. It is two hours north of the city of London. My city is famous as the birthplace of industry, great music, and sports such as football and cycling. There is also a famous T.V. show that many people learn English by watching it. It is called Coronation Street. My interests include writing, reading, history and Chinese culture. I enjoy swimming, football, cycling and eating. You can see from my stomach that I like eating. I am not slim.

I get great satisfaction from teaching. I enjoy introducing new words, topics, and questions. It makes me smile to see the students embrace new classes and use these often. Together we can make our classes more exciting and colourful. We can make the black and white world of homework and tests into something different. My time in China has been enjoyable and inspiring. Each positive day pushes me on, and makes me hungry to not just do my best, but to want to try new things and make a difference.

The ostrich and kangaroo cannot walk backwards. This is how I want my students to be. To speak English, by only going forwards. Learning is far more than textbooks and games. I want my students to feel confidence. They can do it. We can do it. I can do it. Everything is possible with each student’s powerful minds. We all must believe.

I believe in investment in classroom materials, the classroom decoration and books. White walls can be rainbows. Chalkboards can be frames of artwork. The ceiling can be a place to hang and celebrate great work by students. Students should be inspired to ask questions and be curious. Stories and reading can help better their minds. Using comedy along the way, we can bring laughter and sunshine both inside and outside school. Each student can share their stories of school for days and years to come.

A happy foreign teacher is one free of out-of-school distractions. They are settled in a home and passionate from morning to evening. They have energy and engage their students. They push students to enhance their language skills. They are free from worry and distraction and focus on their students. They always try to improve their classes, classroom and students. They share their culture and believe they can make a difference. We all remember our best teachers from our times in schools. My hope and beliefs are to make our students better, each and every day.

Students are central to schools, like water is to life. We must make schools a place for students to want to go. We must open the gates to their minds and happiness. A happy home life and a happy school life can help students be ready for life. Teachers, parents and students can work as a team to turn paper into thought. The future will be brighter with good study experiences and a better understanding of the world. I believe every student can succeed. Their potential is in our hands. We won’t let them down.

The content changes may reflect my moods on each day of writing. Or perhaps, in hindsight I was too politically-charged in one piece and less conservative in another. It is important to know your audience, if in fact you have one, when you write. Writing from the heart is all good in one situation, but in another it may cause offence. And if you take something you have read by me personal, I have some expletive words and directions for you to take. Oh, and grow up. If you get offended by words, even if I contradict myself from time to time, I never look to offend anyone. Okay, maybe some knobhead singing boybands, Manchester Utd. fans are fair game too, and people who quote books without ever reading them, but not Scousers. I’ll have nothing said against high-pitched bin-dippers [tonge firmly in cheek]. Banter.

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

Spatial awareness, cuddling goblins and common sense.

你好/ Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello / How do,

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So, the first Friday of my return I met my students for the 2017/18 academic year. They are all grade one students. There seemed to be an age range from 6 to 7 years old. There are considerable differences in height and physique. Spoken English ability appears to very high, with only a limited vocabulary restricting conversations flowing with perfection. They are learning fast and have a great foundation.

I first met several students in the days leading up to Friday, whilst I was preparing the classroom. My students seem to have a range of normal names, not often witnessed in Chinese primary schools. Rain, Christie, Natalie, Lawson, and Evan are a few examples of ordinary names, for extraordinary students. Soffy, whose older sister Waffy, is an oddity of a name, however, her English ability is magnificent. I suspect the names relate to something that I am yet to understand.

Today was my 28th day of school. Many fine moments have been had, and many questions have formed along the short jouney to date. How far up a nose can a finger reach? If a student is hyperactive and responds to other positive stimulus, should they receive different treatment? How funny is a music teacher using a mobile phone to play music over a tiny megaphone device? In China those little portable voice amplifiers are the size of an old Sony Walkman. They will happily distort any old sound. They’re even partial to a bit of feedback that even the Gallagher Brothers would be proud of. How many potatoes are too many? Why do my textbooks and pens keep taking nightly tours away from the classroom? Which children’s books are the best?

One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes… it seems my stomach is the world’s biggest patting board, and if hitting my stomach was an Olympic sport, then China would secure gold. Desciptions of places beyond my stomach, such as my head have ranged from a big white cabbage to that of a potato. My legs have been described as a sack of mashed potatoes. It is great to know your students have learnt the word potato, and have a knowledge of how to cook said root vegetable. If I put on a jacket, they’ll no doubt call me a jacket potato.

So, on this day in 2005, I wrote an article for ATFC.org.uk. Today, I am reminded of it. It feels good knowing that ATFC.org.uk is running and supporting the football club Aberystwyth Town after 13 years. I think ATFCnews.co.uk ran for about 5 years and before that there were a few other dated websites. The team that run ATFC.org.uk are doing a fantastic job. Unlike the national team of Wales and their bid for the World Cup, the ATFC.org.uk team are well and truly in the ball.

“Caersws 5-1 ATFC – FAW Premier Cup Round 1, 11/10/05
Newyddion/News / Contact Report Author
Demolition Derby or Caersws Curse
Referee: Mr Whitby. Attendance: 182. Entertainment value: 1/5 stars.
An early goal always helps the side who scores. Aber had no such luck as Neville Thompson helped the Bluebirds to start brightly. The ball had not crossed into the Caersws half before Caersws had the lead. Poor concentration and a strong finish around Richard Morgan allowed Thompson to score. Within ten minutes Stuart Roberts sprinted clear to almost test ex-Taff’s Well shot-stopper David Jones. Jones had some luck as Roberts’ shot clipped the post and rebounded clear.
Aber lose track of striker Neville Thompson
Caersws liked scoring so much they did it again…
Did the scoreline flatter Caersws? Quite the opposite. Caersws made use of the ball, played some neat passes and made what they deserved. Goal number two came from Neil Mitchell. Mitchell added to his one WPL goal for this season. Maybe Aber could have had some attacks and split Caersws open? Caersws were solid at the back… and determined. Their determination gave Aber no time on the ball, and their sheer graft was an example of how hard-working football should be. Even at two nil up, they rolled their sleeves up and got dirty. They played fair football and did what they like to do best, in that of frustrating their neighbours.
Now nobody knows the importance of the derby game more than Sean Jehu, the veteran Caersws player marked the game with a goal after 40 minutes sending Aber in at half-time three goals down. Half-time: Caersws 3-0 ATFC. No nobody can argue that the Aber concentration has room for improvement because yet again Aber were caught wide open. Neville Thompson bagged his second of the game after 46 minutes. The striker paced through and upset the visiting team’s hope of a come-back.
…and again.
Coates looks to pressure the Bluebird defence.
Aber had one shot on target (what I think correctly as being their first on target) soon after the 4-0 mark. Substitute Glyndwr Hughes firing past debutee David Jones from a cross. Minutes later Mr Whitby and his assistant failed to spot Jason Rees’ shot cleared from inside the goal by Andy Thomas. Thomas was clearly shielded behind his keeper and another defender. The referee waved play on much to the disbelief of Aber. With under ten minutes to go Caersws’ Venables headed home to put the icing on the Bluebird fairy cake.
Tonight Aber were watched by Tomi Morgan (Friday looms for another Mid-Wales derby game) and Ken McKenna tonight (who is looking forward to a win at Treflan?). Interesting to see a warm cuppa is still served in cups at Caersws – delicious. Bari Morgan will likely be absent from the coming games due to severe bruising to his thigh. Glyndwr Hughes is shaking off his achilles injury.”

In some ways, I miss writing football reports and watching copious amounts of football. In other ways, I don’t. I like writing about variety and having made the decision to exit HubHao – I can safely say I need a new and local challenge, after a break since issue 27. There is a series of novels in the pipeline with provisional interest in the text from a few choice publishers. And something akin to being a textbook… The Very Hungry Caterpillar it is not.

I love how people often cross the road here, without stopping, looking and listening. Heck, drivers seem instinctive at entering flowing traffic without looking. Their yellow flashing lights are at no risk of a bulb blowing from overuse, or actual use for that matter. Today, m\ny students entering class with pull-along wheely backpacks. They turned up the aisles, and each one hit the first desk, dragging it out of position. I watched most students hit two to four desks in the process. The ones who managed to hit one desk, had a desk on the front row. Those who hit no desks, carried smaller backpacks. These backpacks are often too heavy to be hung on the students’ wooden chairs. Yet, they do. Throughout the day when seated, they are balanced out. When they stand, a seat upends. Despite demonstrations on how to steer around desks, place heavier bags away from unstable seats… it isn’t going so well.

 

再见/ Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Ta’ra / Goodbye

May 2015’s posts

The Guangdong Goldfish Genocide – Part 1

5th May 2015

Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello,

 

Last Wednesday was a reasonably tiring day.  That last week had seen earlier than usual rises on each and every day.  Sleep has been disturbed during the night sporadically by the warm night time air.  The night time temperatures have not dropped below 24°C.  They’ve hovered above that more and more frequently – and the day temperatures have been closer to 30°C.  The air conditioner is on for longer bouts in the night than Floyd Mayweather can jog for.

 

The morning of Wednesday meant Mikkel and I, joined our grade 5 and 6 classes respectively on a school trip.  The 24 classes and a coach each departed in a column towards the busy nearby G4 Jinggang’ao Expressway towards Shenzhen.  I had been commandeered by class 604 and teacher Nancy.  The other classes had all asked me to join them.  I just figured I’d join the first class that asked and then flit between classes during the day.  The journey itself flew by.  The students insisting on feeding me a thousand E-numbers and many grams of sugar.  I refused the vast majority of it out of politeness and the fact a proper breakfast was sat in my stomach already.

 

The coach eventually jolted off several bustling roads into a side track consisting of dirt and potholes.  The strained suspension of the coach jolting all aboard sidewards and backwards.  Eventually the brakes anchored us down and all departed the coach, smiles beaming and excitement bubbling like a pan of scorching water.  Off we trotted with our tour guide, Nancy and one other teacher.  We had a standard photograph taken with the entire class, then rolled on through one park gate of the short-named ShanShuiTianYuan Tourism Culture Garden… seemingly the wrong way, then we doubled back, and entered another gate.  The gate should be named The Gate of Grim and Soul-deadening Bleakness.  Beyond here lay pain, suffering and stenches.  Animals ranging from goats, hamsters, pigs to ducks, dogs and porcupines filled enclosures not fit to store shit in them.  Even faecaes needs space.  The odd animal lay dead amongst despondent peers amongst the lifeless paddocks and pens.  A large pond supporting very little pleasant life resembled a colour of water only ever seen after sewage spills.  The students grimaced and plugged their noses.  Teachers alike looked displeased.  Nancy, an English teacher, asked how zoos and farms ran in the U.K. compared to this monstrosity.  I explained the hefty and significant attitudes towards animals in the U.K. throughout the brief walk in and out.  Even the students looked uninspired and unimpressed by this farm of suffering.

 

Later Nancy and I discussed terrapins, a pest in the U.K. when wild, and in China likewise.  However, their disease-curing nature here is widely known and believed.  We debated the various beliefs and on the whole I think I persuaded one more person that bullshit medicines are just that.  From there we wandered to the main theme park next door, saddled alongside a closed waterpark.  Here the rides ranged from poor to just abit above poor to dire.  There was a large pool in the park for wading and the participation of goldfish genocide.  Mikkel and I later estimated each class had around 80% of their students possessing goldfish.  The entire lot of them having at least five fish.  Across 24 classes of approximately 35 students, that’s around 3300 fish that would have had to be flushed inside a week.  And that was just half our school on the trip!!!

 

After a gentle pedal boat ride (I had to sit on one side, counterbalanced by two teachers) around the large lake, lunch at a restaurant nearby was needed.  Here a middle school teacher called Cathy and her kindergarten daughter chatted to me.  Her daughter Sunny opting to lob a cuddly toy at my face, scream and then cry just before boarding the coach.  I think I scared her.  After the ten minute journey we arrived and wee Sunny was my best friend suddenly.  Sometime later we returned to the lacklustre ShanShuiTianYuan Tourism Culture Garden.  Here a wander and an ice-cream alongside talking with students was all that could be done.  The arcade was rammed solid with bored students wasting their remaining school trip’s time away.

 

This coming week, I’ll be booking a flight back to Blighty for July.  I’m returning to China in late August or early September (To be confirmed).  It was with interest to read that expats may suffer shock on returning westwards recently.  That and an article on manners – remember you manners when around Chinese people.  Manners and customs are massively important.

 

More to follow…

 

Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Goodbye.

 

The Guangdong Goldfish Genocide – Part 2

4 seconds ago

Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello,

 

School and teaching can be a nightmare because I don’t find performing or being the centre of attention a particullary natural habitat.  To say I get very nervous is an understatement.  I think about the worst case scenario or being found out or other such things a lot.  To me teaching is terrifying and nerve-wracking.  When you start, you have to ask yourself what is scarier, “To do it, or not to do it?”  But for me it was scarier not to do it, because that means going back to an office or finding a job I’ll never enjoy.  Here in teaching, I am inspired and fed the desire to further myself.  If a class goes mammary-glands up, then I kick it in the dick and punch on like a boxer with a shoulder injury fighting in the supposed bout of the century.

 

Some time has passed since I last wrote.  This last week has seen the Children’s Day performance script with music and actions come into fruition.  Life has to be ejected from paper into stage and drama with sound.  My passion for stagework is absent as always.  That said, I don’t want to let the students or school down, so I’ll give it some welly with my team.

 

The monsoon storm season has started.  Thunder has rumbled like an angry Labour party supporter at a Conservative Gentlemen’s Toffington Branch of Upperclass Humbledom as sponsored by a tax-evading multinational whilst sipping coffee that has profited only a business and not its staff or point of sale country.  It has been pretty intense.  And damp.  Well, not just damp, but down right soggy.  A midweek game for Murray’s FC (B team) was called off, with us firmly leading 12-2 against the local team Hello Kitty (Dongguan) FC.  Some parts of the pitch having up to three inches of rain prevented us kicking the ball.  Every bounce met with a splash and boots were firmly immersed.  The moniker of all-weather pitch being a tad redundant.  The opposition agreed the result should stand, which is just as well as we had to wade off the pitch at the end.  Following that game we faced Chelsea (Dongguan) FC on Sunday and thrashed them 8-0.  My first clean sheet since I took over the reigns of Murray’s FC (B team).  Both the A and B teams are on level pegging, it just allows us to play two games at the same time and select players from our forty-plus available playing squad.  Registration of players is relaxed and thankfully not an issue!  Tomorrow night we will have a full training session following two defeats suffered by Murray’s FC (A team).

 

Back at school and my Grade 8’s seem to be falling off the tracks in two crazier than crazy classes.  Classes 801 and 803 are firmly in the realm of damnation.  Even their form tutor cannot handle them.  If they didn’t have so much homework (to the point it gets done in classes), I’d have a chance at winning them over.  Class 804 are equally testing but at least I can control them – even when they plough through mountains of homework.  Class 802 now have a new old student, in that a student previously known as Mike, is taking the handle Price MacTavish.  That’s a character from a computer game called Call of Duty.  His class also have students called Two Things, Lelmon Young Ply, Pheidina (I don’t know how to say that!), Excalibur, G-D, Top and Frank.  Class 803 is like walking into a phone store.  iPhone, Oppo, Vivo, Samsung, Xiaomi, Coolpad, Nokia and Xing are just some of the names.  Otherwise most names are sensible.  The students here have been changing names a lot lately.  In class 804, Harry Potter sits by Jason Statham.  When a student asks, “Do you know my name?” I usually think, “Do you know your names?”  This can also extend to birth names here, students change these every now and then, as is their right.  There is one teacher, Swinly, who has had three Chinese names in the last five years.  Bewilderment, perplexity, and a muddle make up half the class time in grade 8 trying to remember my students’ names.  The other half of the class is usually spent begging them to discard their homework and pay attention.  Or in class 802, trying to resolve an overheated projector, whilst retaining the collective class concentration.

 

In grade 7, things are going swimmingly.  The same can be said for grade 6 – less class 603 (they’re a Monday morning class and are barely awake).  I’ve had teachers, at this school, and from nearby schools offer me summerwork but I won’t be taking that up – even with the promise of school trips.  There’s only so many goldfish I can see murdered.

 

Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Goodbye.

 

 

I’ll be back.

15th May 2015

Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello,

 

The bombshell that is the end date for the semester changing from July the 10th to June the 26th was dropped today.  Confirmation will be given to my company Worlda tomorrow by Dao Ming Foreign Language School.  I may have to take up some hard graft in Blighty to survive the summer period in the U.K.  That or live off cold baken beans and rice.  Easy!

 

I haven’t been able to book flights due to the vagueness of the end of semester date.  Flights have escalated from around £500 return to nearer to the £1000 mark.  I’m not happy by this.  But, this is nothing unusual.  Next week there are two sports days.  In Grade 5, teacher Kate says they’re on the 20th and 21st (Wednesday and Thursday); in grade 6 teacher Nancy says they are Wednesday and Friday; in grade 7 teachers Cathy and Cindy say Tuesday and Wednesday… my leader at school has mentioned all of the above.  I can see it happening on a Sunday night at this rate… in September… of the year 2042.

 

Yesterday, many hours were spent taking school photographs in grade 6.  As such three classes fell on the sword and later the VIP class was cancelled too.

 

Last night Murray’s FC held a training session for 13 of us.  It went on for two hours.  When spliced between 27km of cycling each way (I went extra far to get Crystal’s birthday present), I can safely say that is why today I feel burned out, empty of energy and immensely dehydrated.  The cramp episodes in both legs last night were excruciating – I think I’d rather have given birth to triplets [that is not a fact, but it was piercing to the point of waterworks and sniffles with the odd whimper of sorrow].

 

So, I decided, I’m back after Summer.  I am really looking forward to time in the U.K and seeing my friends and family.  It won’t be cheap, it won’t be easy to leave again – but here I feel I can belong and make a difference, and be wanted.  There is a community in the school, in Liaoxia and Houjie, within the domain of football (mainly Murray’s FC) and at HubHao magazine.  It is good to be in demand.

 

Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Goodbye.

 

With the flow of the rains

21st May 2015

Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello,

 

If the X-Files return series needs to cast the Chinese equivalent to the cigarette smoking man, Mr Yang Wenbo (Maths Teacher) is that man.  I walked into the office this morning at 8am.  The door opened and a cloud of smoke hit men, headbutted me and dropped me to the floor.  This man is impervious to hints from myself and the other two teachers in the office.  The principal of our school has warned him, yet he seems immortal to threats or admonitions.  If China’s entire naval power sailed up the Pearl River from the South China Sea, directing their entire arsenal at his head should he smoke one more stick of death, he’d simply light up a cigratte and carry on regardless.  This is the kind of man who hits 100 cigarettes a day and worries about the next one.  He’ll never die of a smoking related disease, he’s immune to the lot on the level of toxins he’s had.  All this and he tells me to drink less Ribena or tea and to drink more water… a beautiful yet dirtily contradictive request.

 

Last Thursday evening last night was a celebration of Crystal’s 21st birthday.  Her parents fed us up on vast bowls of noodles, dumplings, sweet-and-tasty pork, prawns [Roy Keane would have been proud] and then the customary birthday cake – with what seems like a local touch, of cherry tomatoes on top of chocolate, strawberries and cream.  Crystal’s family have an apartment in deepest darkest Liaoxia.  It is pretty much a penthouse, double floored roof luxury condo studio abode with a two tiered roof gardens and fantastic views of the locality and beyond.  I can’t imagine the price of such a place would be an inexpensive one!  Only hundreds of metres away an area I walked through on Friday evening has the most homemade and bodged shanty like dwellings imaginable.

 

After school on Friday was chilled out, after tottering around the alleyways of Liaoxia with just my mind as company, I settled down for a night of Lee Evans on comedy DVDs accompanied by good food.  Saturday started with a taxi journey to Murray’s Bar at 8am.  Mikkel and Chris accompanied, the latter causing us to do an about turn to grab his forgotten passport.  After the delayed arrival a breakfast was finished in double quick time before our minibus departed to Guangzhou.  Eddy as captain had selected Aaron (Preston, U.K.), Calum (London, U.K.), Weng (China), Rossi (China), debutant Chris (Hartlepool, U.K.), Mikkel (Denmark), myself and Juan (Columbia) in a squad of nine for five-a-side against a strong Chinese team in Guangzhou.  Juan didn’t make it, he got lost looking for the less than obvious venue in a giant of a city!

 

The plan initially was to arrive and sample the thrills of Chimelong water park.  However, heavy torrents of the sub-tropical deluge and a swim to the park entrance through fast-flowing entrance way river rapids into a park likely to be mostly closed due to the rainfall did not sound like amusement.  Initaillay exuberance and merriment might have captured all but soon after the harder-than-drizzle rains would shrink out any delight.  With that the minibus driver was instructed to drop us at an Irish bar for lunch.

 

The lunch, like the dinner (at Tekila Mexican restaurant) and every place along the way seemed western.  The game was against a very good Chinese team where we lost 12-5, conceding 6 inside the opening 20 minutes and never really taking control until after the half-time whistle.  In the evening after dinner we headed for Hooley’s Irish Bar, Revolucion Cocktail Bar and around midnight headed to Wave night club at Guangzhou’s trendy Party Pier complex.  A taxi back and a hunt for a lost shāo kǎo (barbecue) the cheap and cheerful bed at 7 Days Inn (A Chinese version of Holiday Inn) was met with a thud of the head.

 

Going to bed at 5.30am and waking up at 9am surprised me but soon after 12pm brunch was had at the swanky 13 Factories restaurant.  After crowing Calum the weekend Points Champion, we departed via coach back to a less than sunny Houjie.  Rather than go to sleep early, I went to have sushi and a soft drink at Irene’s whilst watching Manchester City trounce Swansea City 4-2.

 

On Tuesday evening I felt weird.  Firstly, at school a feral looking and mange infested dog was spotted in school by other teachers.  My first experience of this was grim.  Whilst talking to middle school’s teacher Amy I heard a high-pitched squealing followed by a very scared growl.  As I popped my head out of the door I saw a school groundskeeper smashing the dog head first into the ground.  The walls decorated in teeth and blood.   I quickly went back into my office and vomited a little.  The groundskeeper carried the limp but fighting to survive dog past the door, blood and body tissues flicking all over.  Class 601 and 602 all exited their classes to watch what was going on.  By the time the groundskeeper had stepped down the four stairs onto the playground below, the dog had managed to bite him.  He threw it to the ground and lifted a rock.  I’ve never seen this level of inhumane treatment up close.  It sicked me and made me feel a traitor to nature and humanity to be incapable of assisting with stopping the suffering in a more humane well.  My colleague Amy could see my sadness and waffled on about it being China or something.  Anyway, I write this on a Thursday and nobody has cleaned the walls.  The playground has been washed by recent rain thankfully.

 

Secondly, my phone overheated in my hand to the point where it could burn skin.  I removed the battery and have since taken it to the XiaoMi service centre for assessment.

 

Wednesday’s planned school sports meet met with a foul ending.  The heavy rains fell on Houjie like a waterfall had been installed overhead.  The subtropical effects of Typhoon Dolphin being felt far and wide.  The two hour opening ceremony pretty much washed out and no events actually took place.  Classes returned to the schedule.  My two scheduled morning classes had been during the opening ceremony.  Mikkel, Andreas, Liane, Catherine and I spent the morning building a submarine.  The yellow submarine construction wasn’t in preparation for the impending storm – moreso for the looming Children’s Day performance demanded of our team.

 

The Children’s Day performance starts with “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Thunderbirds are go!”  After a short blast of Fatboy Slim’s clichéd Right Here, Right Now, Mikkel and Liane shall perform a short segment of The Real Slim Shady.  The next track up is Everything Is Awesome, as heard in The Lego MovieWe all live in a yellow submarine follows before blending into another Beatles classic, Hey Jude.  The outro mix is There Goes The Fear’s classic cowbell carnival feeling piece as perfomed by Manc band Doves before We’re Not Really Here – a chant by Manchester City’s superb fans.  There’s dance moves and comedy motions coupled inside the music and props including the 8RMB confetti canons.  Oh yes, everything shall be awesome indeed!

 

During Wednesday’s lunchtime a trip to a local Xīnjiāng restaurant.  The owners are Islamic and the food combines the best of Afghani-Kazakh cuisine with that of Chinese food.  The owner and his family are extremely welcoming.  The food is delicious.  Mikkel and I often go for lunch there.  On this occasion Andreas joined us because of the prospect of ròujīamó (a meat sandwich, reportedly the world’s oldest form of sandwich).  Catherine was tempted and that leaving just Liane on her lonesome, they both joined the band.  We set off from school in rain, not heavy and not light.  On arriving we ordered a selection of dishes.  With my back to the door Liane commented on how heavy the rain was.  The sound of rain appeared to be dying down so I thought nothing of it.  Almost moments later Andreas said the road was flooding.  Then the pavement disappeared.  Just as we finished our food, the first waves of water pushed in through the door.  Soon after our feet became submerged.  So, rather than head 700 metres back to school we opted for the 75 metre hop, barefooted in deepening rainwater to Coffee 85.  The coffee shop has the slogan, “I love 85 coffee because top.”  The ground level was submerged to ankle height, the road outside being just about okay to wade through.  We called Cherry at school to advise we might be late back…

 

The first classes after lunch had all been covered by other teachers.  We managed to get back after an hour and the floods receded in part.  Some areas were waist deep, others had severe mud and water damage.  One swelling in a road was a good two foot high, with something underground obviously trying to push out, like a giant blister of tarmac [bizarrely it never burst].  Other areas had to be pumped, or bucketed dry.  Pavements and trees locally fragmented and uprooted adding to the chaos.  Sirens could be heard all afternoon as the last of the storm passed by.  Today’s storm is expected to be bigger.  Yet, in the afternoon it still hadn’t hit.  It is 26°C though – it hasn’t been cool at all this week.  The humidity has made teaching uncomfortable.

 

Want to read more about teaching?  A month later than planned, my first teaching column is online at http://www.hubhao.com/author/john/ under the link Tips for the Classroom.  The second one shall follow shortly.  The review of local Indian/Mexican fusion restaurant Munchalots is still online and my edited piece on Badasses of Chinese History: Zhūgě Liàng also sits online.  Articles on Atlantic Attraction (a Dutch band), Brown Sugar Jar (a venue for music), How to Survive going to the Cinema (self-explanatory) and other bits shall follow at HubHao.

 

Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Goodbye.

#TOGETHER with the flow of the Loch Ness Monster

29th May 2015

Ní hǎo / Nín hǎo / Hello,

 

I’ve just this second been taught the phrasal words Ní sī hú shuǐ guài (尼斯湖水怪).  What is that?  I hear you ask.  Well, I’m glad you’ve asked.  This is the most essential phrase in Chinese you shall ever require.  Hú shuǐ guài means lake monster.  Ní sī is Ness.  Why are you talking about the Loch Ness Monster?  Well, it all started out many moons ago.  The wind was howling before a warm spring breeze cast over Liaoxia.  The harsh hot air became cooler and the storms built up.  With the necessary desire to eat some quality scran I went for a good old fahsioned mosey around Liaoxia.  As I drifted past a t-shirt shop, I spotted her.  That slender neck, those long curves and that delicious back.  There she was.  Nessie.  On a t-shirt.  In China.  I asked how much the T-shirt would cost.  200RMB – £20 for a t-shirt in China is far too lavish.  We parted ways.

 

Several weeks later and I’ve been tasked with grabbing matching t-shirts for our Children’s Day performance.  On trying one place, I was quoted 150RMB to 200RMB.  Native folk shopping there had prices far lower.  I walked away from a dozen shops before walking back to the Nessie t-shirt shop once visited weeks ago.  So, yesterday he wanted 150RMB a t-shirt.  I said that this was too expensive – and I required five t-shirts in various sizes.  Emerging from the shop with five t-shirts for 200RMB in total gave me a feeling of satisfaction.  My bargaining skills either flounder or give rise to a great victory.  There is no middle ground.

 

Today has seen the Children’s Day show come and go, in intense heat of 32°C and humidity of 75-85%.  The heat index places the temperature feeling as close to 42-45°C.  The air can make breathing seem like swallowing steam.  The last three days have seen no storms but prior to that localised flooding and storm damage was very much normal.  I’ve seen the Chinese equivalent of Superman wade into two foot deep water in the middle of a cross road, duck under the water and then emerge with two manhole covers allowing the water to drain away far quicker.  These guardians of the mahole plugs are local heroes.  There should be a national celebration for such folk.

 

Monday is Children’s Day so the primary school get the day off, as do the teachers.  Grade 7 to 9 in middle school must work, as must I.  I can’t complain, I enjoy working more than ever before.  Sure it has low days, challenges and moments of terror – but when it all clicks into place, it feels brilliant – on a par with reading a great novel and discovering a fantastic ending.  The performances today were vivid, fantastically choregraphed and the students within each segment had chances to showcase their talents.  They are an asset to their parents, the school and society in general.  The celebration of childhood and youth gives those watching and the classes today something to enjoy – and switch their focus from homework and learning, to jamboree and merriment.  During our performance the 8RMB confetti cannons fired off well, the microphones seemed to fail but the show seemed to be received well with smiles and laughter.  That’s what it is all about – laughter and smiles.  I feel proud to have worked with Liane, Catherine, Andreas and Mikkel on this performance.  They gave their all, had lots of input and worked effectively as a team.  Soon we have another song performance, and Eric and Ern’s Bring Me Sunshine is the number of that day.

 

Beyond school this week has seen me writing articles on the legendary Huā Mùlán; a sports shopping street review; a piece about Winners Bar in Hengli; and a restaurant-bar called Gigg Club.  Tonight, I am interviewing some darts players at a tournament in Dongcheng.  In the middle of the week Murray’s FC fielded two teams beating the Houjie Dragons 7-5 at Soccerworld.  Last weekend we won 6-3 at Hengli Buffalos FC (They have an amazing clubhouse bar where we had a buffet and lots of drinks) in Hengli, a game played following a great and powerful storm.

BOOKED IT. PACKED IT. …

Etihad Airways (I’ll wear my Manchester City FC shirt) from Hong Kong to Manchester Airport arriving on Monday the 29th of June. Bacon butties for breakfast?

Turkish Airlines (sponsors of Bacelona fc and charitable benefactors of some other tinpot club) back to Hong Kong and South China on August the 26th. Now that’s what I call a long holiday…

I’m not really here!

Sadly, I’ll miss Sun Jihai‘s team Chongqing Lifan F.C. play at Guangzhou Evergrande Taobao F.C. in July.

The countdown begins. Tick, tock…

 

Want to read more about teaching?  A tad later than planned, the second teaching column is online at http://www.hubhao.com/author/john/ under the link Tips for the Classroom.  Articles on Atlantic Attraction (a Dutch band) and How to Survive going to the Cinema are also live now.  Other bits shall follow at HubHao.

 

Zài jiàn / Bài bài / Goodbye.

December 2014’s posts

All that and Play-Doh.

2/12/2014

“Cheers, thanks for everything…” enthuses the lyrics to Selfish Jean by Travis in a cheerful fashion.  Last Thursday evening, the entire staff of Dao Ming’s English teachers gathered to eat good food at a local Guǎngdōng styel restaurant.  The food of Guǎngdōng is not overly spicy but nevertheless very good.  Initially, Cherry had told our foreign teacher contingent, that nothing needed to prepared for the foreign teacher exchange to other schools.  On returning from lunch, I met a throng of teachers with greetings to hand.  Each foreign teacher was then assigned to a school and departed in an uncharacteristic fashion, not on time, but before the denoted time.  I departed with Mr Wong, affectionately known by his English name Edison, to a state school named Qiáotóu.  Edison, explained, the 100 or so students waiting were very excited, for few had seen a foreigner before and none had seen a foreign teacher ever!  The 100 students rattled me a little, but since Cherry had told us, you need not prepare anything, just go and play games at the school, I was certainly fine.  That changed hastily on walking through the doors of the soundlab, a 200 seater theatre with central stage and glowing powerpoint.  Edison said, “Okay, I will introduce you, and then you can play some games.”  I panicked, struggled to think of any games, and then did the typically Eric Morecambe stance of lacksidasical adlib concoctions.  It worked.  The bag of chocolates I had in my pockets, made good prizes.  I thought ahead, on some levels.  After my self-introduction, question and answers and simplified hangman, I had to teach a poem selected by Edison.  I should explain, at this juncture, that each school and teacher was under the impression that all foreign teachers knew what Thanksgiving day entails.  I tell you now, I don’t.

 

Aside from eating lots of food, eating turkey and spending time together, I could think of nothing simple to teach.  So, I extemporised something fast.  Elwood Blues once said, It wasn’t a lie, it was just bullshit.”  This was Grade-A top quality perfect impeccable unflawed textbook honed bull-dung.  I edified the traditional family game of thanksgiving, which we will all know, now… …ad being hopscotch.  Take that America!  You gave us Black Friday riots in our branches of Asda, I’m clogging up your driveways with chalk covered hopping and skipping merriment.

 

The last act of the class involved each student creating Thanksgiving Cards for family, friends, teachers, and for me.  I have a stack of them.  It was a most gratifying and pleasurable moment to receive so many cards, and there are some Tate Modern worthy examples in the pile.  It was a very touching moment.  I posed for photographs with so many students, signed autographs and received comments about being handsome.  I put this down to a limited vocabulary and students, parents and teachers being unable to enunciate phrases along the line of “you’re down right hideous, leave the country Mr Repulsive and don’t return so unsightly or revolting ever again.”

 

Friday arrived, it always follows Thursday around, waving a happy hand and belting out a song of triumph.  With it, I departed for Hong Kong.  Nikki had booked tickets for Clockenflap purely because Travis were playing.  I don’t need an excuse to listen to music.  On arrival to Kowloon island and the area of Mong Kok, it was apparent the Constabularies of Hong Kong were driving back hundreds of chanting, cheering and generally polite protestors without destruction on the menu.  In the U.K., there’d be looting, an unclear message and the threat of menace.  In Hong Kong, civil disobedience was just that, courteous, civil, considerate, and commonly gracious.  Over the two nights in Mong Kok, it was apparent the heat was on the up, with a few impromptu roadblocks, barricades and Police charging crowds to be seen.  I didn’t encounter the tear gas or umbrella versus baton jousting seen on local T.V.

 

At Clockenflap, highlights included the beautiful voice of Chhom Nimol, the Cambodian lead singer of U.S. rock band Dengue Fever; The Turbans, perhaps the most ethnically diverse band on Earth; Kool and the Gang featuring the original Robert and Ronald Bell brothers, George Brown, and Dennis Thomas are still with the group – Jungle Boogie of Pulp Fiction fame and Celebration seemed timeless; Rafe’s talented beatboxing and percussionist talents in Club Minky was awesome, although the sit down cushions made me sleepy; Ozomatli combined a street music vibe with Latin hip-hop and rock to provide a welcoming summer vibe in a cool damp atmosphere; and even Brett Domino Trio (there are two of them, kazoos, stylophones and a Yorkshire twang filled the air) proved good entertainment.  Travis headlined, and a bearded lead singer in Fran Healy delivered a powerful set with fantastic guitar work throughout.  Dougie Payne (bass guitar), Andy Dunlop (lead guitar, banjo) and Neil Primrose (drums, percussion) backed up a great line up with a mixture of old and new songs throughout.  Travis have always been one of my favourite bands, more so live, than recorded.  Sadly, due to school and travel times I missed out on the other two days – Tenacious D, The Flaming Lips and Glaswegian’s Mogwai featured.  Still, if ever you’re out Hong Kong way, look out for Clockenflap.

 

Monday pounced once again up the grand running of things.  I immediately erected my sky blue Christmas tree and hung up a petite stocking alongside it.  December has arrived after all.  After a few hours spent going over the Art Festival routine with Joe, Micaela, Kira and Emily I departed for football.  Class 803, 804 and 603 had ran smoothly and constructively.  Partially, due to lollipop prizes.  In the evening Murray’s F.C. Owls lost to F.C. Italiano.  My team Murray’s F.C. Smoggies won against Fred F.C. (a first victory awarded over all-Brazilian opposition) and then went on to be outshone by Brazil F.C.  The all-Brazilian side conceded a few but otherwise were lethal in attack.  Afterwards Marcelo gave me a Fluminense Football Club away shirt with Fred on the back and a Real Madrid home shirt as a gift.  I said I’d use them at school and give them as prizes.  They will come in handy today with my funky coloured socks and other items for my pretend shop!  All that and Play-Doh.

I’ll be back…

11/12/14

…around July.

Day 304 and yes I am still here.

 

Last week marked the beginning of rehearsals for the Art Festival, to be held on Monday the 22nd of December.  The theme is a Disney Melody, starting with Snow White’s Heigh Ho, fizzling into Frozen’s Do You Wanna Build A Snow Man?  Following that comes Toy Story’s You’ve Got A Friend In Me that blends into The Little Mermaid’s Under The Sea.  Did we stop there?  Did we ‘eckers?!  No, Everybody Wants To Be A Cat from The Aristocats and I Wanna Be Like You will jolly up an ending with some shuffling swinging movements.  I hate dancing.  I hate singing.  This is a challenge.  This is turning out to be quite fun.  Audition number two is this Friday at 12.30pm.  Are we ready to rumble?  I’d say around 80% ready.  Once we all decide on costumes – something giant westerners, or westerners in general struggle to buy locally, we should let go a little more and properly go for it.

 

On the Tuesday just gone, we were asked to prepare the oral English exams for primary school, which shall be fun.  I have the tasks of Grade 6-8’s papers.  It is unclear if I’ll formulate the oral exam test for Grade 9 or not.  It is also unclear when my finishing date is.  My company told me around January the 9th at the beginning of the semester, January the 24th today, whereas the school gave me a different date entirely… so I should be done by August.  Holidays will follow.  As Christmas and New Year approach, I am studying the Chinese tourism laws carefully.  My tourist duties include:

“Tourists shall observe public order and respect social morality in tourism activities, respect local customs, cultural traditions and religious beliefs, care for tourism resources, protect the ecological environment, and abide by the norms of civilized tourist behaviours.”

There is no indication of the punishment I could face for disobeying the above.  I’d assume they’d just blow a whistle at you and tell you to get back in line.  Oddly, on looking up the tourism laws, I discovered that cockroach farms are in this region but import an American species as it tastes better.  The roaches are for medicinal and food purposes.  I’d happily offer them access to the dozen or so that arrive in this apartment every nocturne.

 

So, Christmas.  Does it feel festive now?  No.  Do I miss the Christmas feel?  No.  I miss family and friends.  I missed going to see wee Damian and Alexander’s first birthday this week.  They’ll have many, many more birthday parties and my plan to get them signed on at City’s new super football academy will happen, if I can persuade Dan and Vanessa.  Actually, I won’t, they’ve asked me to be a Guidefather.  I think Guidefather is like a Godfather but with less Italian Amaretto and Scotch whisky.  And less God, the chief antagonist in all major world divides.  I believe you should respect other’s beliefs, even if based around a fictional character.  I’m not saying God, gods, Ahura Mazda, deities, Aten, Hari, Al-Rahim, etc are fictional or unproven but if we respected each other’s beliefs without enforcing them on others or preaching to convert one and all to different faiths, we’d have less need for conflicts, borders and traffic wardens.  Stephen Hawking and Leonard Mlodinow agree that the idea of someone creating everything is possible, but that ricochets a new question, “Who created God?”  We personify too many things.  Anyway, I detract, Guidefather, yes, a duty similar to Godfather.  One I am honoured to take and one I hope I don’t need to do too much for.  Dan and Vanessa are great parents.  My role, from afar, will simply be to be a good role model.  Oh dear.  I’ll just buy the ginger juveniles some football tickets…

 

My office has a Christmas tree, nine (that is all that was available) blue and white Santa Claus decorations, some blue and white snow spray – although one label reads as Merry Christmas 2015!  It has been explained to me, most factories regionally are producing good for next Christmas.  There is a secret factory dedicated to production of Star Wars Episode VII material.  Nobody can take photographs, phones are taken from the staff and bodies are strip searched.   Still, knowing Chinese manufacturing someone will manage to smuggle a Ja Ja Binks Doll out using two clenched cheeks.

 

On the 25th day of December, our band of foreign teachers are off to Irene’s Bar to have lunch, dinner and merriment.  The school have allowed us the day off.  It is not a national holiday or requirement here.  Marcus and Irene run the bar, one is Maori, the latter Chinese – they are wonderfully welcoming.  They spoil us.

 

This weekend is Murray’s F.C.’s Christmas barbecue, themed around Argentinian steaks and styles.  Du-du-duh-Pablo Zaba-leta… Du-du-duh-Pablo Zaba-leta…  Last weekend I broke my scoring drought in his style, rounding three defenders to rocket a shot into the top right corner.  Then, soon after I lobbed the keeper from 10-yards.  It didn’t matter too much, we drew 12-12 in an uncharacteristic flat and subdued game against Chinese opposition.  The 20km cycle ride back was met with a puncture in the last 200 metres.  That was lucky!  Inner-tubes purchased since arriving in China will now go above the total of five.

 

Saturday night/Sunday morning was spent watching City versus Everton followed by a sleepy Sunday day lazing and practicing the school show song and dance.  Following this Irene’s Bar had a barbecue with some fantastic food to brighten up a gloomy damp Sunday evening.  Monday saw the return of 22°C and sunshine.  Today, is a mild 19°C with 24°C predicted as the highest temperature.  The weather last week saw some heavy rain on Wednesday night.  A game for Murray’s F.C. played through the rain whilst the nighbouring pitches stopped their games.  It was rather bizarre.  Our Chinese opposition wanted to carry on as much as us.  That was rather sweet of them considering how much the Chinese hate rain.

 

In school classes have been up, down, sideways, every which way but loose, and some.  On Friday class 703 ended after five minutes.  A math’s teacher had her birthday that day and my class was selected for a surprise birthday party – complete with a massive cake, a small food fight and plenty of smiles.  Not a bad way to end the week, even if Disney’s Frozen was put on later on.  A student in the class said, “I wish you were my Dad.”  I didn’t know what to say to that, didn’t respond, and he then carried on with, “I’ll ask my Mum.”.  Let it go…  Today, I had a class cancelled to allow me to coordinate the erection of a Christmas tree complete with Santa and reindeer outside.  There are teachers building a small house as I speak.  The display made by foreign and native teachers looks great, considering the Christmas tree is the tallest, scrawniest and most woeful looking tree you’ll ever see.  Burying it with tinsel, fake presents and covering it on tacky ornaments has helped somewhat.

 

My fully prepared, assessed and tested Grade 6 oral exam paper is complete.  Care to try it?  See below.

 

Grade 6 Oral Lesson Test

六年级外教教学内容测试

Name: Class: Number: Scores:

 

1) Read the words in the selected group: [20 points)

Group 1 Group 2 Group 3 Group 4 Group 5
by car on foot bike bus stop train
traffic stop wait country how
library hospital where bookstore cinema
then right left straight turn
tonight tomorrow morning afternoon evening
magazine newspaper dictionary together buy
hobby jump violin something show
ride teacher go to the watch read
singer write dancer artist firefighter
hotel wave turn on lollipop high five

 

2) Answer the 4 selected questions: [40 points)

How do you go to school?

How do you go to the U.K.?

Where is the police station?

Where is the cinema?

What job does your father do?

What is your hobby?

What are you going to do this weekend?

Where are you going this evening?

What are your hobbies?

Does he go to school by bus?

Where does she work?

 

 

3)  Use two sentences to talk about the pictures:

[40 points)

NB:  The images are of Big Ben and the Underground sign; a bicycle; a boy writing a letter; and a selection of jobs.

So, 2015 approaches.  I’m signing a contract to stay until at least Summer.  I’ll be in the U.K. for at least July…

Ta’ra.

圣诞节快乐 ( Shèngdàn jié kuàilè / Merry Christmas )

23/12/2014

Last Friday, I sat at my laptop not knowing what to type.  When I started to type, I had to correct the poor quality regularly – and that was just the first sentence.  My head was light, fluffy and flopping around like a daisy in a strong breeze.  The contents read like airline refund terms and conditions tangled in an enigma code strengthened DNA-strand of mystification.  The good news at the time was that I hadn’t used the toilet or surrounding areas to projectile bodily fluids upon for many hours.  I felt like a drug-user in rehab, “it has been 16 hours since I last…”  Thursday morning, early hours, maybe 3am, maybe 4am, I woke up needing the toilet.  Somewhere I remained on or off for 3-4 hours.  I decided to try some Dioralyte.  It transpired, I did not need that.  Within seconds I jettisoned what little remained in my stomach.  And it wouldn’t have been much.  I played football Wednesday night, so didn’t eat too much before or after.  Nikki’s left over pizza slices from the Wednesday night quiz at Irene’s Bar could have been one of a billion causes.  Either way, all of Thursday and Friday was spent confined to the bed and bathroom.  The Doctor on Thursday being kind enough to provide medicine which alleviated all heaving and toilet-seat clambering.

 

I wanted to eat on Friday evening.  I just didn’t know what to eat.  I know rich and spicy options are off the cards.  That left me Weetabix (but I couldn’t eat dairy), rice, noodles, and not much else.  All free of flavour options were open.  I really fancied chips.  A chip butty, proper English style chunk chippy chip shop chips – on a barm (muffin/butty/oven-bottom/cob/bread roll).  Those thoughts made me homesick.  I quickly dispelled them.  Many hours later I settled for simple fast food from the golden-M signed establishment dominant the world over.

 

The previous weekend involved 20km to football only to find out the football was cancelled; a perfect Argentinian style barbecue (by Federico) at Murray’s Bar to celebrate Christmas; a Monday night defeat in football whereby Murray’s F.C. Smoggies still managed to hold on to third spot and claim a bronze medal in the Dongguan Foreigners’ Football League; and many busy hours at school.

 

I started the Oral English exams in Grade 6 last week, managing between 15-10 an hour.  Classes are usually 40-strong.  I’ll need to carry these on next week – as this week is subjugated by Christmas activities.  I have managed to grab two classes from other teachers to cover the two missed Christmas classes from last week.  The problem is Primary and Middle School teachers do not talk to each other.  So, I have to liaise like the U.N. sat between North Korea and the Democratic Republic of Sony Enterprises.  This avoids clashes with my Grade 7 classes, and Grade 8 classes.

 

This Thursday is a day off for Christmas Day.  The plan is to spend it at Irene’s Bar, where Marcus and Irene have invited many expatriated souls.  Our foreign teacher group has assimilated another group from nearby and bolstered the numbers to at least 15 teachers.  I hope none of the other expats bring any students.  It could be pretty intimidating.  “Hurray, I have the day off school… Wait a minute!!!”  I’ve decided to make a small hamper [after explaining to Kim that hampers aren’t just for dirty laundry (use a washing or laundry basket)] for Marcus and Irene as a thank you.  First into the hamper, courtesy of a shop in Tesco, was a triple gift bag of Tyrrells Hand Cooked Crisps.  I’d never have thought that Tyrrells Court Farm back in Herefordshire would supply crisps this far out.  The world is truly getting smaller.  Is there a Starbucks in the Forbidden City?  [No, it closed in 2007!  It doesn’t surprise me China ejected a corporation that has branches at Guantánamo Bay, the CIA top location, and aboard the USS Boxer].

There is no turkey at Irene’s Bar’s Christmas dinner.  Here are the foods on offer:

Soup and baguette
Roast beef
Roast pork
BBQ Chicken
BBQ Pork
Roast potatoes
Roast sweet potatoes
Mash potatoes
Hot vegetables
Adabo
Garden salad
Fried rice (It is China after all!)
Dessert

 

This Friday is set aside for the Art Festival performances.  On Monday the 5th Annual Science & Technology & Art Festival of Dongguan Dao Ming Foreign Language School opened alongside the weekly flag raising ceremony.  Enforcement of all foreign teachers to wear a Santa outfit (in red) was on the agenda.  Oh, and we had to sing, “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” – and not even a version we were too familiar with.  We entered the stage, previously performed upon by student and his drum rendition of Gangnam Style, we came on wished the students Merry Christmas, sang the song, received presents from the school and exited.  Soon after Miss Jiang said she was displeased with our lack of actions to the song.  I genuinely could not have made any actions up on the spot, as asked by Cherry minutes before the stage arrival.  The other teachers seemed equally perplexed.  I tried moving a little, but when nobody moves and one person moves – it looks crazy and disorganised.  So, uninspired, I did not lead.  Yes, I regret it.  Was I prepared?  No.  Could I have adapted and reacted?  Yes, but I didn’t.  Live and let learn.  I hate that something so simple, can rattle me.  I hate mistakes and being ill-prepared.

 

Meanwhile, the entire population of this region are braced for winter.  As temperatures plummet to lows of 11°C at night and daytime temperatures only in the mid-teens, everybody, and I mean all and sundry, have invested in scarves, hats, mittens, multiple layers (above four in most cases), which sits way below the average annual temperature of 23.3 °C.  Whilst I have felt rough these last few days, I doubled up my layers but now I am starting to feel warm.  The surest sign that I am okay and no longer ill!  The looks I get for wearing shorts are not just on account of my ethnically non-native skin, but for the fact I am wearing shorts.  Then the viewer looks up and spots me sporting a t-shirt and shades.  Sometimes I feel I should catch them as they faint from shock.  The average low temperature drops by one degree next month, barely enough to be noticed.  The average high in winter sits above the summer average high of my native city, Manchester.  Compared with Manchester, howling winter winds, chilly glacial rain, and discomfort, it feels just right here.  I’d flutter that the chances of precipitation falling as snow here, sit so close to absolute zero, they’d rival any equatorial desert.

 

Today, class 703, followed a late rearrangement class of class 602.  602, or Tofu class have nicknamed me after the bean curd based food.  They even answer many questions in other teachers’ classes using me as an example.

“What should you be afraid of?”

“Be afraid of Teacher John.  He is king of the Tofu.”

“Where can you find the answers?”

“I can ask Teacher John.  He is a smart Tofu.”

I’m not sure the fascination with tofu is a healthy one, and I hope they aren’t comparing me to the stinky dòufu.  Click the link for some interesting stories relating to Wang Zhi He (王致和) in the Qing dynasty and how this form of Tofu came about.  It stinks, but it is by far the tastiest form of Tofu, especially if spicy in the Ānhuī-people’s style.  Anyway, this particular class are great fun to teach and have buckets of imagination.  They are witty far beyond their early years.  Class 703 followed, again, they have good imagination, eagerness and focus.  The class sadly was trunciated midway through the learning of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.  On looking for a good version of this song I learnt that banjoist Harry Reser and his band on October 24, 1934 first recorded this song.  I knew Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band or Sesame Street hadn’t published it first but I did not expect it to be 80 years old.  Mariah Carey murdered it once but my students have done it justice, albeit ended for morning exercise at 11.45am today.

Oh, and I have started work on Murray’s F.C.’s website.  More content shall be added soon.

 

圣诞节快乐

Shèngdàn jié kuàilè

Merry Christmas!

October 2014’s posts

Sven, Sun and is tiger balm the cure for everything?

7th October 2014

The remote clicking mouse or whatever the clicker device is called appears to be the new sliced bread.  It is not simply good, it is bloody brilliant.  What dams did to rivers, and buckets did to storing water, this little clicking device has revolutionised my classes.  By that I don’t mean on the scale of a protest outside Gregg’s against pasty tax, I mean the full-fat shutdown of central Hong Kong.  I now have the full roam of class to perform my Powerpoint presentations.  The reading of graffiti-laden books, inscribed desks with TF-Boys and EXO, and the strange paper-based Chinese Chequers games are not just in sight.  They are under my nose.  “Where is teacher John going?”  Everywhere.  Beware.  Stay alert.

 

Two classes (803 and 804) passed on Monday, both have been on their collective toes.  Both attentive and primed.  Giddy 804 are a very good class, sharp and witty, they like to jibe at me with “you’re fat…” and then top it off with “…but we’d hug you.”  They don’t mean it nastily, it is simply because I am heavy and they’re not used to seeing pudgy, podgy, tubby, portly, stout, chubby, plump, overweight, obese, large, corpulent, chunky, flabby folk like me.  Even the quiet students from last semester are now speaking confidently.  They are highly competitive so I rig the games and change the rules, not to reward – simply for this class to engage and enjoy it.  They learn more with a smile.

 

Teaching assistants often enter my class to check on discipline.  On the whole most classes are controllable.  A little rowdy is fine.  Too much and I get totalitarian with the team point systems.  Every now and then a teaching assistant, like the now departed Alex are so strict they send fear into the heart of the students.  On entering a room she’d render a chatterbox super brain who loves to answer questions utterly mute.  Not all teachers are mufflers, some dampen the sound levels but not the response frequencies.  Others tear a massive rip into the everyday fabric of their class lifestyles and allow me to take the class on a journey.  Things, rules mainly, may get broken but for 40 minutes, the class trust me and I trust the class.  Here is the review of last class, here’s the warm up game for fun, here’s some content, practice it.  Here’s some more content, jabber-jibber-jabber, and here’s a game for the review.  What are these words?  And, which team are Champions?  Job done.

 

Football isn’t big here.  It may be the fact that China hasn’t appeared at a World Cup since 2002 – the only time the team nicknamed Lóng Zhī Duì (Team Dragon) or sometimes The Great Wall made this tournament.  Their honours board for the AFC Asian Cup and East Asian Football Championship is pretty sparse too.  They did win the Far Eastern Games a few times, prior to it ended around the beginning of World War II.  Since then, a country of this size, has punched beneath its weight.  Former Manchester City utility player Sūn Jìhǎi is their 8th most capped player with 80 games.  He retired from the international scene in 2008.  He still plays now, aged 36, at Guìzhōu Rénhé in the Chinese Super League.  Outside of China he has the honours of winning the 2001/02  Football League First Division – and scoring against TNS of Welsh Premier League fame.

 

Eye Eye Yippee Sun Jihai,

Singing Eye Eye Yippee Sun Jihai,

Singing Eye Eye Yippee,

His Dad’s got a chippy,

Eye Eye Yippee Sun Jihai.

 

So armed with a plethora of Wikipedia-read facts and statistics, I aimed to lose my mainland China football virginity.  I managed to persuade Dalian-born (just like Sūn Jìhǎi) Rossi (杨杉  – Yang Shan) to goto the game in Guangzhou.  He kindly drove us there, and back.  After a day playing pool together, having all meals together and then joining Bryony and Becky’s new house party, I thought Rossi’d be bored tremendously of my company.  He seemed as enthusiastic as ever – despite wearing the standard Chinese poker face of expressionless impassive deadpan blankness.  At the last minute Murray’s F.C. Kenmicals (real name肖载龙 – Xiao Mount Dragon), the two Brazilians Rogerio Assis Gomes and Marcelo Junior Gomes, Indian player Sidhant Sharma and Eddy O’Neill from Middlesbrough all bailed on us.  To be fair, most arranged very last minute holidays to Guilin.  Eddy just went on a date.

 

On arrival, we parked under the football stadium, at 8RMB per hour.  We then wandered around looking for a ticket, the official club stall’s cheapest tickets started at 100RMB.  Surrounding the stall, and what was to be soon noted as the only stadium entrance, were hundreds of ticket touts.  Rossi was not sure of the ticket legitimacy, but we wandered around, haggled, and eventually settled on a ticket each for 25RMB.  I brought an official team shirt for 20RMB after haggling with the club shop.  I doubt I’ll ever bargain like this at any other football game.  Kick off soon approached, the gates opened.  After hustling by armed guards, police with sub-machine guns and ultra-hooligan looking fans on their best behaviour, the climb up a steep staircase met a sharp bottleneck left and up a narrow staircase into the floodlit glow of a the main Yuexiushan Stadium bowl.  You can’t beat going to real sports games.  Whatever your passion, be it rugby (union, league or other), football, cycling, boxing, motor racing, etc., there is romance to be had.  The emotions ride high, everything seems fresh and new, or maybe you can switch off and let someone do the work.  You can support.  You can follow.  You can kick every ball in your mind, you can give your all, you can be the difference – or you can relax and enjoy the occasion.  There are sights, smells, sometimes tastes, senses and emotions that can be crammed into around 90 minutes that you may not feel in a month or regular week.

 

Yuexiushan Stadium is a multi-purpose stadium with a small athletics track (limited in lane numbers), some off-field games areas, a massive hotel-looking complex at one end and a very communist looking scoreboard.  If Subbuteo’s USSR edition was ever to be made real, this would be it.  In 1950, when it opened it would probably be considered modern.  Six renovations later, it feels dated.  Situated inside the boundaries of the Yue Xiu Park it has a pleasant feel.

 

The club’s name Fùlì (R&F in English) is short for “Rich” (富) and “Force” (力).  The fans like a bit of noise, the away support from Guìzhōu Rénhé totalled around 50 or so fans.  Their fans having to travel 1,100km for a Saturday night kick off adds perspective to a possible Plymouth Argyle away game in Carlisle and the 625km between them.  Credit to the home fans for applauding their rival fans at the fulltime whistle.  The niceties extended into the game also, Sūn Jìhǎi is a national footballing legend and the home fans sang his name every time he had the ball.  What he lacks in pace, he makes up for in set-piece crosses, tackling ability and that never-say-never attitude that endeared him to countless Manchester City fans through the years.  In his years at Maine Road and the City of Manchester Stadium his name was sung from the rafters for the drive and battle, to some he was the Gerard Wiekens of the Far East.

 

So, the game was pretty even, the visitors striking the woodwork three times and forcing four good saves.  The home side had a good anchor of an engine in Davi, a Brazilian midfielder; Moroccan international striker Abderrazak Hamdallah scored what would be the winner on 31 minutes; Aaron-Samuel Olanare featured having come from Nigeria via Norway; and many players who regular feature for the varied age groups of the national squads of China.  For the visitors, Hyuri Henrique, a Brazilian forward; veteran attacker Mike Hanke from Germany;  Polish-born midfielder Krzysztof Maczynski; Gyawe Jonas Salley, born of the Ivory Coast but now an Australian national (AFC Champions League Runner-up at Adelaide U****d  in 2008) all played their parts.  The standard was akin to the third tier of English league football (League One).  Throughout the game applause, standing ovations and gentle cheers broke through the drumbeats of groups of fanatics.  The game was attended by around 11,712 fans – and at least 1,000 police officers.  Not a steward was to be seen.  Official pictures can be found here, but beware it is hard to follow.

 

After the game, a drive back to Dōngguǎn and the Wànjiāng Qū area was completed with a meal of Mǔlì (oysters) soaked in spices and garlic completed a fine day.  Lunch that day was had at Murray’s bar, it was steak and good one at that.  So, Saturday was rich with force through and through.

 

A week’s holiday has flown by, mostly spent cycling and relaxing.  That and two tiring games of football for Murray’s F.C. It has been needed.  My head is still unclear about the future but I am closer to trying to understand the next few steps.

Step 1 today, involved going to the pharmacy to buy something to settle my second outbreak of coldsores (herpes simplex virus).  It smells heavily like deepheat/tiger balm – but seems oddly cooling in effect.  It wouldn’t surprise me if they treat the recent local outbreak of Dengue Fever with this too – and yes, like Ebola and massive outbreaks, I am a little worried!  To quote numerous media sources, “The number of mosquitoes is also said to have increased five-fold.”  I’ve had a few more bites than usual lately… it has reached Humen and Dongguan nearby.  Time to eat more fruit and stay superfit!

Two failed projectors, the foreigners’ cup and a little apple

13/10/14

I’m a massive fan of music by The Stone Roses, in fact anything of Madchester era music is good on the ears.  Since I left Manchester for Aberystwyth University in September 2001, the sense of Manc music has only been heightened.  Whenever I am homesick, I look at a few photos of my tribes – and slap on some Oasis, Doves, The Smiths, and now Johnny Marr’s Playland album.  My passion for anything Mancunian is as close to nationalism I ever get.  That and my love for the few and many who battled for Britain and freedom in World War I and World War II.

Music here in China is varied, there is buckets of pop, just like in the U.K. The current pop song doing the rounds, xiǎopíngguǒ (Little Apple), is infectious.  The video is both bizzare, humorous and a tad risqué for Chinese television.  It certainly sticks out from endless ballads about love or loss.  I might have a crack at the pinyin version.  The Kim Jong-Un version counterbalances the Chinese Army recruitment edition.

 

The lyrics when translated are witty, and also available in pinyin.  See below:

Pinyin
Wǒ zhǒng xià yī kē zhǒngzǐ

zhōngyú zhǎng chūle guǒshí

jīntiān shìgè wěidà rìzi

zhāi xià xīngxīng sòng gěi nǐ

zhuāi xià yuèliàng sòng gěi nǐ

ràng tàiyáng měitiān wèi nǐ shēng qǐ

biàn chéng làzhú ránshāo zìjǐ zhǐ wéi zhào liàng nǐ

bǎ wǒ yīqiè dōu xiàn gěi nǐ zhǐyào nǐ huānxǐ

nǐ ràng wǒ měi gè míngtiān dū biàn dé yǒu yìyì

shēngmìng suī duǎn ài nǐ yǒngyuǎn, bù! Lí! Bù! Qì!

Nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

zěnme ài nǐ dōu bù xián duō

hóng hóng de xiǎo liǎn er wēnnuǎn wǒ de xīnwō

diǎn liàng wǒ shēngmìng de huǒ

huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ

nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

jiù xiàng tiānbiān zuìměi de yúnduǒ

chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

zhǒng xià xīwàng jiù huì shōuhuò

cóng bù juédé nǐ tǎoyàn

nǐ de yīqiè dōu xǐhuān

yǒu nǐ de měitiān dū xīnxiān

yǒu nǐ yángguāng gèng cànlàn

yǒu nǐ hēiyè bù hēi’àn

nǐ shì báiyún wǒ shì lántiān

chūntiān hé nǐ mànbù zài shèngkāi de huācóng jiān

xiàtiān yèwǎn péi nǐ yīqǐ kàn xīngxīng zhǎyǎn

qiūtiān huánghūn yǔ nǐ chángyáng zài jīnsè màitián

dōngtiān xuěhuā fēiwǔ yǒu nǐ, gèng! Jiā! Wēn! Nuǎn!

Nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

zěnme ài nǐ dōu bù xián duō

hóng hóng de xiǎo liǎn er wēnnuǎn wǒ de xīnwō

diǎn liàng wǒ shēngmìng de huǒ

huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ

nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

jiù xiàng tiānbiān zuìměi de yúnduǒ

chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

zhǒng xià xīwàng jiù huì shōuhuò

nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

zěnme ài nǐ dōu bù xián duō

hóng hóng de xiǎo liǎn er wēnnuǎn wǒ de xīnwō

diǎn liàng wǒ shēngmìng de huǒ

huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ huǒ

nǐ shì wǒ de xiǎo ya xiǎo píngguǒ

jiù xiàng tiānbiān zuìměi de yúnduǒ

chūntiān yòu lái dàole huā kāi mǎn shānpō

zhǒng xià xīwàng jiù huì shōuhuò

I planted a seed
And finally it bore fruit
Today is a great day
To pluck the stars and give them to you
To pull down the moon and give it to you
And let the sun rise for you every day

(I would) turn into a candle and burn myself up
Just to cast light on you
Give everything of myself to you
As long as it made you happy
You make my every tomorrow
Become more meaningful
Although life is brief, my love for you is forever
Never to part, never to let go

You are my little, dear little apple
However I love you, it’s never too much
Small red face warming my heart
Lighting my life’s fire fire fire fire fire
You are my little, dear little apple
Just like the sky’s most beautiful clouds
Spring has come again and blooming flowers cover the hillsides
Planting hope, one is sure to reap reward

I never find you irritating
I like everything about you
Every day with you is fresh
With you, the sunlight is brighter
With you, the nights are not dark
You are the white clouds; I am the blue sky

Spring, strolling with you among the blossoming flowers
Summer, evenings with you watching the stars blink
Autumn, at dusk wandering with you in the golden fields of wheat
Winter, among the swirling snowflakes I am warmer with you there

You are my little dear little apple
However I love you, it’s never too much
Small red face warming my heart
Lighting my life’s fire fire fire fire fire
You are my little dear little apple
Just like the sky’s most beautiful clouds
Spring has come again and blooming flowers cover the hillsides
Planting hope, one is sure to reap reward

 

So, in the last 5 days, where you could say a song by The Stone Roses, was desecrated (“I wanna be alone, I wanna, I wanna, I gotta be alone”) what have I done?  I’ve not sullied any more popular culture, be that Chinese or Western.  Classes began on Wednesday last week (604-607), followed by only two classes on the Thursday (exam for classes 702 and 701 freeing up my hours), and Friday having no classes (again classes in 703, 704, 801, and 802 faced tests).  Saturday, designated a working day for one day only was confusing.  Prior to the holidays I was told by Cherry that the Thursday timetable shall apply for that date.  Easy as pie, four classes: 701, 702, 601 and 602.

The problem with pie is that of you leave it for a while without checking it, it’ll get eaten, melt, go mouldy and on return there won’t be any pie.  I arrived at my first class 701 promptly.  The problem being so did the maths teacher (who has an amazing comb-over – he is a lovely person too).  He pointed for me to go upstairs and gestured we’d swap classes.  Or at least that’s what I thought.  I went upstairs and the arts teacher was in the other class.  Hmmm.  Off I trundled to the office for grade 7 teachers.  After much nattering with a new teacher, Bonny, who acted very professionally and told me straight, “We’re on Tuesday’s timetable.”  Instantly, I panicked.  Where should I be now?  I looked at my timetable and relaxed, my first class should be 11:20, and not 09:40 as it had been just then.  I thanked her, exited and immediately rang Cherry to half a word.  Cherry had a class at that time.  So, I marched, practically goose-stepped to her office (home of the Grade 6 teachers).  In there I was told by all the staff, “Today is Thursday’s timetable.”  So much for communication between middle school and primary school.  I instantly grabbed my timetable.  I should have had 6 classes instead of 4 that day.  There were two timetable clashes.  I went back to the Grade 7 office.  I negotiated that I’d take 5 classes on the basis someone would take class 702.  Bonny to her credit took class 702 for me whilst I taught 602 class and we moved two classes around to fit my timetable.  The last day of the week is always the hardest.  In the afternoon, the students are tired and ready for the weekend (albeit a one day weekend).  Homework is pouring from their single desks, the rooms need tidying by the students and their attention is harmonised with that of a squirrel focusing on a tasty nut only.  That tasty nut being the weekend, was winning.

Two failed projectors, a dozen over-running games (just to keep the balance in my favour), a fixed draw of 10 apiece (for four teams in one hyper class) and the finishing line was crossed.  Rather than head for a beer, home for a nap, some Homeland episodes (they skulked series 4 out quickly).

Bonnie’s birthday (a kindergarten teacher from Marple) was to be a meal that evening.  It was hotpot.  It would have been rude not to have gone.  I went for a little bit.  I had a little bit.  It was good.  Then we tried Liaoxia’s trendy new music bar, Gigg Club.  On entering the plush 2-million RMB interior, it was apparent this place would not be cheap.  It wasn’t.  A badly tuned guitar sat aloft a man squawking very slow Chinese words.  It turned out his singing was awful and the words were actually a popular ditty by a lesser known band called The Beatles.  Two bottles of Blue Girl, a South Korean lager, later and off home to sleep.  Sunday was restless with only pizza and a short rickshaw ride to be seen as doing anything productive.

Today is Monday, classes 603, 803 and 804 await.  After last week’s Cup games for Murrays FC (we entered 3 different teams into the 16 team tournament at Soccerworld, we won two group games 2-1 and drew the other 1-1, won the quarter-final 3-1 [Goal! I scored 1], the Semi-final 2-1 and lost in the final 2-1) we enter a much bigger cup on a regional scale [ The Foreigners Cup] tonight.  There are group games every Monday for the best part of this month and next.  It should be fun.

Zài jiàn!

#82: “Release the Mosquitofish”

21/10/2014

Nǐ hǎo.

 

This is it, this is a landmark blog post.  For this is post 82.  People often celebrate the 18th, 21st, 50th, 65th, 75th and 100th of things unspecified.  Okay, specifically anniversaries, birthdays and key moments.  I think the 10th (a good round number), 16th (That moment), 28th (my date of birth and Uwe’s shirt number), 32nd (there’s a significant Welcome to Manchester reference here somewhere), 42nd (“Answer to The Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”; 45th (That moment); Lewis Carroll  made repeated use of this number in his writings), 74th (Yaya Toure’s Wembley winner in 2011), 82nd (my year of birth), 94th (That moment), and 101st (this being the shadow of 100th and also a good name for an airborne division; Taipai’s 101 building was once the world’s tallest building – and they added a floor above that round number of 100 for a reason; room 101 is of course an Orwellian feature; everybody should love this centred decagonal number.).  So, there you have it, a key landmark has passed.  Such has been the quality of the previous 81 posts that eventually some exalted and stately words may eventually enter hereon.  You are reading words of the past typed in the present and followed by the future.  With every bucket of dross, a ray of light may penetrate.

 

Day 253.  Chinese lunar calendar date, month 9, day 28.  This is the blog of… okay less of the Patrick Stewart parody (Captain Jean-Luc Picard).

 

Yesterday’s bombshell has tinged the week ahead with sadness.  Meghan, from Eire, whose role was split between Flying Kindergarten and Oxford International Kindergarten, is no more.  I mean, she’s not game over, no longer with us, but has scattered into the wind like an Autumnal fruit departing for pastures new.  She did a runner Sunday night or Monday morning, is in Hong Kong, and shall not be returning.  Oxford International Kindergarten seems cursed for staff at the minute.  Nikki is their only foreign teacher – they should have three foreign teachers.  On top of that, one of the other foreign teachers has only received a 14 day work permit.  This can be resolved but will take both time and effort, and may cost more.

 

In a week, where I’ve witnessed several wart-looking bite growths on at least a dozen students’ faces, it has been both testing mentally and physically.  Last week I played football on Monday, played Wednesday when I should have done a Raheem Sterling and stated I had fatigue.  Honestly, a bit of exhaustion needs a good rest.  So, with it at the weekend, I did not play football or go cycling.  Instead, I made food on Saturday, spent the best part of Sunday watching a gritty drama starring wannabe-Mancunian actor David Morrisey (The Driver) and generally lazed.

 

Last Monday, gave rise to the new Dongguan Foreigners Football League.  Our team Murrays F.C. Smoggies faced Italiano F.C.  We triumphed 7-5 in a hard-fought battle.  Off the field, the Italian opposition are nice as pie, on it they are snappy little bastards.  Think Paul Dickov meets Robbie Savage, has a baby somehow raised by a Japanese Tosa dog and then sent to a nanny not called McPhee but of the reticulated python kind.  Our game opened the league and we had photos with several other teams, an opening kick of the tournament etc.  It wasn’t bad, typically Chinese in fashion – longwinded and grand, but welcoming.

 

On to Tuesday, one throbbing calf, a sharp pain in the kneecap and ankles tighter than Yorkshireman’s duck’s rear-end made for an achy day.  Naturally, I didn’t learn and opted to play the next day.  Talk about lethargic.  If it wasn’t for Chinese Werner, who scored with virtually every shot, we’d have lost convincingly.  The fact that a new player left after only 10 minutes didn’t help, and brought our 8 man squad down to 7 for a 6-a-side game never helps.  In one clearance, that I failed to clear, I managed to take the goalposts down, almost crushing two of my Chinese opponents in the process.  So, when asked if I could play Saturday, I said, “No.”

 

Friday night, I checked out a new Chinese buffet-style self service food restaurant by school.  The foods were very good, if not a little too spicy.  The next day I awoke late.  It felt good.  Very good.  After teacher Shirley assisted me with trying to get my shoes fixed (the repairers all seemed to be closed).  So, this week I’ll attempt xié (shoe) repairs (xiū) on my own.  Soon after a few other teachers joined me and assisted in making a banquet of foods.  I did the work, they directed me.  The chopping of the Chinese Yam (huái shān yào) causing skin irritation during the process!  Afterwards, I went set off to Irene’s Bar, watched City hammer Spurs 4-1 with Tim (from New Zealand), Troy (also a Kiwi), Peter (a long exiled Brit, aged 74, but looks 50-ish), and Marcus (Irene’s husband and a Maori).  From here, Tim and I left to meet some P.E. Teachers to drink beer at Snow (Xuě) Bar.  Mr Hu, Mr Lai Tong Tao, Rita (a science teacher) and one of their friends were waiting.  Out came the beer towers, peanuts and a supply of food from the nearby barbecue.  The language barrier broke and Tim’s new Chinese name is now Míhóutáo.  It was a good night hereafter.  Again, Sunday, I slept in.  By the evening I’d had a steak lunch at UBC Western Coffee followed by a dinner of nachos and a pork tostado at Munchalots (the new Mexican/Indian fusion restaurant bar).

 

Last night, Murrays F.C. Smoggies hosted Murray’s F.C. Owls at Soccerworld.  The derby game finished 8-2 in our favour.  The team we face next week, Brazil F.C. played in a game before our fixture, they faced another all Brazilian outfit and seemed to sweep them aside with ease.  Neither side looked ineffectual.  Next week’s fixture against them gives the impression of being the toughest fixture we’ll ever face.  Still, Altrincham F.C. hold 16 league scalps in F.A. Cup football, for a reason.

 

During the day yesterday, I had classes with 603 (who finally have a working projector), 803 and 804 (who are polar opposites when it comes to taking part in activities).  In class, 804, Anne, one of the brightest English speakers there might as well have the catchphrase, “We know this John.  We learnt it in our English written classes.”  To which, I say, “Let’s try speaking English more and practice those new words.”  The response is always, “I see.”  That has happened every single class.  The difference from these students being grade 7 and controllable and much more fun – to these monsters going through puberty and the emotional highways and byways of life is highly perceptible.  As a rule, few students in this school try to be cool, show off or belittle each other.  But, they never ever want to be seen to make mistakes.  The face matters greatly.  Face, as a sociological concept is massive here.  To save face, it is easy to ignore or avoid being seen to make mistakes simply by averting the task in hand.  Nobody wants to lose face (shī miàn zi) in a place where it is proper to keep up with the Joneses/fight for face (zheng mianzi).  I have to gei mianzi (give face or show respect).

 

“The term “face” keeps cropping up in our conversation, and it seems such a simple expression that I doubt whether many people give it much thought. Recently, however, we have heard this word on the lips of foreigners too, who seem to be studying it. They find it extremely hard to understand, but believe that “face” is the key to the Chinese spirit and that grasping it will be like grabbing a queue [hairstyle] twenty-four years ago [when wearing a queue was compulsory] – everything else will follow.” (Lu Xun. (1959). “On ‘Face’,” tr. by Yang Xianyi and Gladys Yang, Selected Works of Lu Hsun, 4:129-132. Foreign Language Press.)

 

As I have typed this, a student who misbehaved has just been punished, he waddled in looking very sorry for himself and waddled to the door.  He is now standing behind the open door of my office.  This is very unusual.  I don’t know what he has done.  The two teachers I share my office with, Mr Wan Hei Fae (Chinese Teacher) and Mr Yang Wenbo (Maths Teacher) can’t articulate what the student did.  Anyway that’s enough gibbering, I need to crack on with the Halloween plans for next week…  I’ll leave on this note:  Also as I have typed this a Mosquito has fed on me again – as I splattered it, I noted the white dots on its abdomen as present on the number of public health posters at all schools, residences and even invasive and contoversial Mosquitofish are being deployed .  The risk of exploring remote areas is highlighted here.

Zài jiàn.

August 2014’s posts

Summer school

1 Aug 2014

Hello to all!

Well it’s the summer holidays for schools in China! However we decided to continue teaching, to save up more money and get more experience! But before I talk about that I’ll tell you about my last few weeks at Oxford Kingdom.

The last 2 weeks of the semester were fun, basically everyone was very relaxed and we pretty much did very little teaching, more singing songs and watching disney DVD’s (in English so still good for an English lesson). My K3 classes got smaller and smaller as children left to move back to Taiwan with their parents. For the last few days I had one class of about 10 and another of 8, big difference to the 46 I used to teach. Both my K3 classes watched the Lion King, I’ve not seen it for ages so good to watch and sing too multiple times. We also watched Frozen on loan from Briony, as she borrowed Lion King, which the children absolutely love, and tbh it is a great disney film! The last week consisted of many picnics with different classes, there was alot of cake and candy so the kids were full of sugar. My K1 class also merged with the other K1 class (rabbit), due to the Chinese/English teacher and my good friend Amy leaving, so myself and Briony had alot of fun teaching together. We had the best ever song lesson! It was good to get to know the other K1 class as they all know me, but I don’t know many of their names. My favourite and smartest student in K1, Sunny, was also leaving the school at the end of the semester, due to living far from the school and being bullied by the kids from the big school, who get on his bus. So with him leaving if I do get to teach my K1 class as K2 I will have only 6 children, I had at least double that at the beginning of term.

Well the last day arrived pretty fast and to my delight we went swimming (at the pool in our apartment complex). This time I brought my bikini and a t-shirt and dived straight in, kids loved having me in the water and I had a wonderful time. A rain shower did cut our time short. The end of the day was sad I made sure to spent lots of time with each of my classes, especially K3 as this would be the last time I may see them (I hope to go to the big school and see who is there). I had lots of hugs and a few sad faces as we said goodbye. That evening I went out with a few of the teachers to KTV, as pretty much nearly all the teachers are leaving as well, school politics and many want better pay.

So moving onto summer school, after being so used to my school I wasn’t very excited to go elsewhere. I went to my school for 8am,  I was then picked up by a school bus and taken to my new school. On route we picked up a little boy. The school is not far from the international big school and is set in an apartment complex. Come to find out it is newly taken over by Oxford Kingdom. I was greeted by Maggie and Anna the teachers who will be working with me. It was very strange as it was different to my school so I didn’t know where anything was. Teaching is relaxed I teach fewer lessons and they only last for 20mins. Thursdays and Fridays I teach just 1 lesson. The first day I found hard, as after doing an introduction lesson, a few of the children could not answer ‘What is your name?’ because either they did not understand or didn’t have an English name. I was originally told I would teach 14 children at K3 level, but once there I had a mixture of ages 3-6 years, thus making lesson plans that little more difficult to plan. The rest of my first day I taught the first part of the ‘Three little pigs’ story book (with DVD) and the first song in the book too! The kids and the teachers really enjoyed this, guessing they don’t use story tree like I do at my normal school. After feeling a bit down from my first day, I hoped things would get better, and they did. Even though I teach stuff the older children know, I made sure there was lots of games, and they love it! I’ve got used to the kids not speaking alot of English compared to the kids I teach, but the older kids do learn and remember words very well.The first Thursday was when everything really changed for the best and I got to know the kids more, as we had a school trip to the mountian park nearby, which I have been to a couple of times. One girl didn’t bring any water so I bought her a bottle and now she’s my best friend. She is new to the school so its good to get her talking and enjoying school, as that day she arrived crying. Lots of photos were taken by me and the teachers, and we went into the butterfly/animal park where I bought food to feed the budgies again. Kids were scared of them, but the teachers and aunties loved it! Thursday 31st Auguest another school trip and we went to Dongguan Botanical garden, kids loved being able to go on the playground and my best friend would not let me out of her sight. I get hugs from the kids now and they even teach me chinese.

Craft lessons they really enjoy, I’ve got them to make an octopus using their hands, they coloured in a toucan pre drawn and made an owl out of paper plates. The best lesson has been about ‘My head’ same thing I taught my K1, I’ve got them to point to the parts of their head e.g. eyes, nose and got faster; I got them to point to the parts on my head (they found this hilarious), they also got to make a head on the board by sticking on  the parts I made out of paper.  The teachers even asked me to stay and teacher next semester, so must be doing something right! I can’t as I explained about my contract with Worlda, but you never know I may of helped get another Worlda member their.

So all in all really enjoying summer school. Well next week is our holiday, really looking forward to some time away and seeing somewhere else in China. Everyone who we tell we are going to Guilin, tell us we will love it and how beautiful it is.

Prior to Guilin…

9th August 2014

For Monday night we went shopping to Tesco’s via a restaurant that does a cracking omelette-type dish.  Here some noodles accompanied a beef-based dish – and Nikki ordered some sweet roll/dumpling-type thing.  It looks like rubber in a sesame seed coating.  It tastes like sweet rubber, I neither liked or disliked this dish.  As food goes it was so bland it was neutral.  If you added this indistinct, drab, pale, wishy-washy, indefinite effort of food to any meal, you wouldn’t notice.  It defies the odds to be a polar reverse to every opulent, delicate, balanced and incredible dish China has to proffer.  I wouldn’t recommend it.  I wouldn’t advise against it.

 

Tuesday through to Thursday met with the usual school bus run at 8am, morning exercise for 8.30am, breakfast in a classroom at 09:00hrs, the first class at 09:30hrs, the second class at 10:10hrs, and the third class at 10:50hrs.  Lunchtime starts slap on 11:20hrs, with an afternoon nap for all but me at noon.  The wake up torments start at 14:30hrs.  Here high-pitched blared screams of sorrow can be found, as children rise angry and sleepy from the slumber.  It can resemble scenes from the TV series The Walking Dead.  Biting happens, but thankfully on an irregular basis.  Snack time, fruit followed by rice pudding of sorts, porridge, or dumplings ends by 14:50hrs.  Class four of the day runs from 15:00hrs to 15:20hrs, distorting away from the usual 30 minute segments.  The final class runs from 15:40hrs to 16:10hrs.  Children, teachers and I depart around 16:10hrs to 16:30hrs.  The school bus is always prompt.  The journey back is erratic, confrontational and comparable to Rally Driving in the western world.  In the western world we have rally driving, in China, it is simply called driving.

 

In the UK we officially drive on the left hand side of the road.  In China, the right side is designated the right side.  The unofficial and habitually observed manner appears somewhat atypical.  On roads other than motorways, directions seem to count for little.  On motorways all lanes lack function.  On the pavement rickshaws, mopeds, electric bikes and bicycles generally overlap people.

Guǎngxī – Part 1: Yáng shuò; Dàzhài; Guìlín; Lóngshèng.

8th August 2014

Last Saturday morning we departed by early taxi (300RMB) to the amazingly designed Shenzhen Airport.  Here we checked in, boarded the China Southern airplane and flew to the beautiful city of Guilin.  On touchdown at Guilin Liangjiang International Airport.  The airport shows no signs of its airfield use by the U.S. Army Air Force usage up to the end of World War II.  We grabbed our bags, shot into the centre by bus (around 28km/17 miles away).  On jumping off the bus we walked around the wrong block (or two), doubled back and eventually found our way from the bus/railway station to Wada Hostel.

Check-in happened twice.  Half asleep and half exited we paid the deposit of 100RMB, the requested fee for the room and took the key.  We headed to the room, opened it, sat down… hmmm…. a double room.  Well that was a surprise, they told me expressively that there was no chance of such a room.  I second glanced the payslip.  We’d only paid for one night – hmmm… a mistake?  I headed back and it turned out there were two people with the name Nicola – and that confused them.  So, on second check-in we paid the proper 840RMB for the week – and headed to the mixed dorm with 4 beds.  In the hostel there is a lovely reading room, a DVD/games room, a lounge area, a pool table/dart board/stacks of boardgames, an outdoor seating area, bicycle hire (40RMB per day), dumpling making (free on Mondays), and an all you eat barbecue on Friday for 50RMB.

A Swiss-American, a Mexican, a Japanese, and a Hungarian, sounds like a bad attempt to joke complete with racial slurs.  These were the nationalities of the people occupying the beds alongside ours during the course of the week.  Two spare beds for many interesting people.  The Swiss-American lady worked for National Geographic and films footage for documentaries.  She had previously worked in conflict zones and only called by Guilin due to a diverted flight.  The Hungarian man has trekked most countries ending in –stan.  Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Laurel&Hardystan, and Turkmenistan – his accounts of all sound amazing.

 

The bedrooms/dorms are basic, ensuite with a shower/western toilet combo.  Bunkbeds are nostalgic to me, somewhere to peer down from, and somewhere to examine the nearby ceiling in its every minute detail.

Guilin and Yángshuò are fêted globally for their karst landscapes.  The whole region has featured in films such as Avatar and Star Wars Episode 3.  Historically the region features in many Chinese paintings, poetry and songs.  The landscape is rousing, motivating and stirring.  So with this in our heart we settled on a Sunday trip to the Lóngshèng Rice Terraces (costing around 240RMB each – including a 3 hour journey in a people carrier; entrance to the park, usually 100RMB).  We set off early, joining a Frenchman (resident of Shanghai), two English lads (from Portsmouth and Southampton) and Gerrado from Mexico (our room mate for a few days).  The journey there started off via the industrial outskirts, open fields before an ascent up several valleys and crevices.  On being dropped at a car park in DaZhai, a mad dash for the toilets was succeeded by a slow trek up the JinKeng terrace fields.   Here the Yao minority inhabit the sparse buildings.  The rectangular timber buildings having three storeys, the lower for livestock, the middle one for harvesting and the upper for living.  Each home is very basic, essentially a very antediluvian farmhouse.

On the climb, you could gradually see forest-fringed fields fade away and tier after tier of rice paddies, dense with rice growing.  The mountains and fields looked like some ancient Inca temples, but green.  The shapes and patterns flowing like an convoluted giant’s version of Spirograph.  The view is certainly one for lovers of hypotrochoids and epitrochoids.  At the peak, after enduring, some tough hill-walking battling heat, humidity and jagged path terrains we kicked back, enjoying a chilled mountain cucumber followed by a light bamboo cooked rice dish.  All along the peak’s brow, Yao women stood expectantly, worked hard selling embroidered clothing, photographs with them and their legendary hair lengths (they never ever cut their hair).  The hair is bundled on their heads resembling glossy jet black Indian turbans.  The long descent downwards involved a spot of near skinny-dipping, much to the surprise of passers-by.  Shattered and tired we all soon boarded the people carrier back to Guilin.  Sleep set in rapidly.  That evening we ate the local delicacy Beer Duck, a full plate of spicy cucumber and a dish of aubergine with minced pork.  The meal was most rewarding.

The following day we purchased a multi-park ticket for 200RMB.  This would give us access to Seven Star Park, Cave & Mountain (which we knew could be reached on the number 10 bus); Elephant Trunk Hill (sits at the convergence of Taohua River and the Lí Jiāng River – also reachable on the number 6 bus) and DieCai Hill (which we’d save for another day).  Initially we explored Elephant Trunk Hill (Xiàngbí Shān).  The landmark and shape is fantastic to look at but the surrounding shops, cluttered models of lovers and in river restaurants give it a rather scruffy and non-directional appearance.  From here we walked to the Seven Star Park (named so, because the seven peaks resemble a constellation).  Our immediate aim was the Seven Star Cave.  Caves are a luxury.  Cool air is better than gold.  The outside temperature hovered around 34°C (93.2 fahrenheit; 307.15 kelvin).  Inside the cave it sat below 20°C.  Oh, and the rock formations were beautiful, even if at times, artificially altered to form waterfalls (activated by switch) or overly tarted-up by illuminations.  That said the calcite accretions at Seven Stars Cave are probably the best calcite accretions I have ever seen.  Afterwards, Nikki and I walked up one of the peaks and wandered amongst a troupe of wild monkeys.  (More on the monkeys later).

Tuesday morning demanded an early rise.  The card was marked for bamboo rafting to Yángshuò on the Lí Jiāng river (it cost 230RMB).  First we boarded a coach with a Canadian lass and an American girl, and around 50 or so Chinese tourists – they tend to get everywhere, within China.  Domestic tourism is massive here.  Sometimes, just sometimes, nature grabs you by the throat and kidnaps you.  It steals you away, it rips apart your critical inners and sends you to a dreamy land far away, long off and lonesome.  There may be many bodies around you, there may be trouble downstream but onboard a bamboo raft, life passes you by like the currents surrounding you.  Here serenity helps you find equanimity. The journey gave rise to tranquillity, quietude, equanimity, mellowness, and bliss.  After disembarking we had photos in the famous scene pictured on the rear of the 20RMB banknote.  After wandering through Xìng píng we headed by coach to Yáng shuò for lunch.  We chose a Hongkongnese restaurant which was pretty bland and had awful service.

Early that day on the bus the guide mentioned an additional trip that can follow for 120RMB, taking in the Yulong Bridge built around 1412AD. The supplementary part of the trip included actual genuine bamboo rafting (not the harder wearing plastic imitation-jobs we were due to set off on.  They are used due to the heavy demands of mass tourism), seeing fishermen catch fish using cormorants, a wander around the village of Yulong, and the chance to feed water buffalo. Needless to say the afternoon heat went near unnoticed as we enjoyed the busy programme of activities.  In addition, the evening was to be spent watching the Yángshuò Impression Sanjie Liu.  The evening show was excellent.  The audience chattered in excitement, mobile phones and cameras glowed like a nuclear powerplant of energy – but nothing could distract from the stage.  Naturally blended stages, river props, boats, lighting glowing far afield, bright beams on the stage centre combined with 600 talented cast members, and hidden stagehands galore made for a fantastic show.  The world-famous director, Zhang Yimo, directed the opening ceremony of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.  The story encompasses a legendary story about a girl named Liu Sanjie (Tang Dynasty) who was known far and wide for her great singing voice, and would later be honoured as the title ‘Song Fairy.’  The show wraps nature with the groups of Zhuang, Miao and Yao ethnic people and costume styles alongside modern techniques and lighting.  The evening was perfect.  With the show over we boarded our coaches for the journey back.  Here we met a family of seven or so tourists from near Shanghai who asked as many questions as possible from the strange foreigners at the back of the bus.  The two hour coach journey bounced back slowly, as the roads that way barely resemble infrastructure.

To be continued…

Guǎngxī – Part 2: Guìlín; Weir not really here…

20 hours ago

…continued.

Yesterday (Saturday), we left Guilin airport at 07:50hrs.  We departed by a speedy taxi (120RMB), pre-arranged by the wonderful Wada Hostel staff.  The night watchman wished us farewell and helped with our bags. At 6am, this was not expected – but nonetheless pleasant.  On the whole, the staff are wonderful.  They help everyone, equally – and go out of their way to make you feel welcome with warmth.  Great people make great places and Wada Hostel has great people in abundance.  Sneaking out of the shared dormitary was easy, pre-packing the night before and then stuffing any remaining items (damp towels and toiletries) into the limited space of my rucksack.  It also didn’t help that we went to bed around 01:00hrs too!

Friday’s delights and irritations came with a wander to the flower and bird market.  Inside my thoughts could be both conflicting, contradictory and contrary.  On one hand the plants were stunning, utterly beautiful and striking in appearance.  Cactis, flowers, trees and bushes arranged in oriental displays of elemental proportions.  On the other hand, hamsters by the dozens crawled over bodies of other hamsters; koi and goldfish plugged dilapidated trench drains; dogs ruffled around cold concrete crates with faces painted of sorrow; scores of sparrows squabbled in cages for space; the stench and scents moved from aromatic flowers to a reek associated with death and malady in an the twinkling of a forlorn kitten’s eye.  We exited almost as soon as we arrived.  Here was not a place to remain.

Off we set to the shore of the Lí Jiāng river.  Immediately, I spied a lady washing her moped in the shallows.  Across the river a man fished by way of net.  Upstream, several water buffalo lived up to their name.  Our trail followed downstream, here we eyed derelict tourist centres, long closed down.  No real reason could be seen, but thankfully “Cock fighting at 7.30pm” did not have an audience.  Beyond this we crossed the river, flanked by boats and swimmers, entered a snaking alleyway, grabbed my natural choice of jīn jú níng méng chá (lemon tea with kumquat), and wandered some more.  It was then decided we shall cross the weir that every day we passed through the town, we could see people crossing.  So we did.  Nikki took an hour.  I was over in 10 minutes.  It was slippery.  The pleasant wander soon ended and after crossing the river again, by bridge this time, we arrived back at Wada Hostel.

The evening and week ended with an all you can eat barbecue.  The staff did not hang around, piles of lamb skewers, beef slices, spiced (là) chicken, broccoli coated in magma (very spicy, jí là), spring onions tainted with heat etc… it just came and came… and we ate… and ate.  At our table we sat with a British couple, Stephanie from Birmingham and her partner Bastian from Dresden.  Two French people, Louix and Davide joined us several times over.  The evening was merry and  capped off with two t-shirts (Nikki’s in L and mine in XXXXL – Chinese size, and still too small), earned by plying the bar with funds for beers/cocktails.

Thursday’s choice of activity was to hire two bicycles for 40RMB each.  On looping back we cycled over a bridge to Lúdí Yán (Reed Flute Cave).  Inside the caves, multicoloured lighting covers sections that with the aid of the imagination or the handily placed labels resemble such things as a lion in a rainforest.  The cave acquired its name from the sort of reed growing on the exterior, which can be made into melodious flutes.  You cannot get reed flutes in the giftshops but little old ladies will try to sell you plastic ones for 1RMB.  They will chase you too.  “Post-ee-cards.”  Inside there are unusual rock shapes, stalactites, stalagmites, and a 3D video show.  There is mention of ink inscriptions from 792 AD (Tang Dynasty) but I did not see these, they are not highlighted or promoted.

…to be continued.

 

Congratulations to John & Abbie Petrie on their wedding day!

10th August 2014

Peace, love, great memories, exceptional company and happiness should follow.  Failing that we can swap wives (not like that!).  Live long, live happy, live for each other and one another and yourself.  Have a smashing day.

Nikki & John x

Guǎngxī – Part III: Cruising through Guìlín for monkeys

1 hour ago

From the writer who brought you… Guǎngxī – Part 1: Yáng shuò; Dàzhài; Guìlín; Lóngshèng…

and followed it up badly with…  Guǎngxī – Part 2: Guìlín; Weir not really here…

Here is an excuse to add more full stop-type dots.

Continued…

Thursday evening we boarded a river cruise along the Lí Jiāng river and the neighbouring Taohua river.  The cruise included integrated the rivers with four lakes all set within the City’s realm.  Initially it left one of the inner lakes with two great pagodas towering their bright lights on the near still water.  Within minutes the roof was drawn as a barrage of heavy drizzle swept over the still landscape.  This later died down to what Peter Kay has banked a fair bit of currency on, “It’s spitting…”  I braved the light precipitation and low bridges to go above deck.  Each time our craft went under an overpass, the stern boatman at the rear would tell me to duck, substantiation that China never planned ahead.  The vessel finally arrived at a double width lock, we entered after a short wait.  A sudden eagerness of the onboard Chinese tourists leapt a notch.  The anticipation of dropping several metres in height to the lower river channel from the lake to the Taohua river almost bubbled over into unrestrained exhilaration.  This was the biggest mass display of emotion I have witnessed by anyone born of the country to which I am guest within.  To blow their minds even further, the Taohua River passing into the Lí Jiāng River at the Elephant Trunk Hill featured a boat lift.  That said the floodlights onto the adjacent landmark did distract the moths aboard our small boat.  The pleasure cruiser emerged into the river beyond the bright lights of the Elephant Trunk Hill and its Moon Cave, rounded and was soon swallowed by absolute darkness – not an easy feat in the city of Guilin.  On the return the dramatic rays and beams of luminosity radiated into the darkness from the Moon Cave, making the imagination behind the simplistic name easy to relate to.  Our boat continued further upstream before deploying its cargo of passengers onshore by the Liberation Bridge.  Our short boat journey had taken us past some marvellous sights indeed – traditional cormorant fishing, an old style village, the City walls, an old tea clipper to name but a few points.  The cost of 190¥ more than justified.  At this stage, around 23:00hrs, we hunted food in the city centre, and it soon became apparent that everything in the City stops.  The buses were no longer in view, the glowing neon signs dulled and the aromas of a plethora of fodder faded away.  Taxis and rickshaws appeared for the remaining revellers, with homes, clubs, out of town restaurants and other darkness dwellings the only destinations.  We appropriated a rickshaw for 30¥ and fled to our hostel.  On departure we called by a night market and paid a 19¥ for a tasty spicy noodle dish, aubergine and some extra meats.  Being spontaneous and planning little has its benefits.

Wednesday was fundamentally a respite day.  We surveyed the inopportunely overpriced Die Cai Hill after exiting the number 1 bus.  We probably would not have gone, had it not been included in the 200¥ ticket bundle earlier that week.  We walked through a dated bird enclosure, vast in size but empty of inhabitants.  Outside many birds sat in sorry looking cages no bigger than a laptop bag.  After walking up one peak, we aimed for another peak, sweating and thirsty having drank several litres, we reached the top.  The view was very good, probably the second best view of the City (after a peak in the Seven Stars Park).  The lower steps bizarrely had a string of powerful fans mounted alongside them.  The occasional waft and puff of cool air enough to percolate my drenched shirt and hat.  Today, was easily 37°C with a very strong sun burning all beneath it.  Half way down, Die Cai Hill was good for one thing.  For 40¥, we did get to slide the large marble lucky slide in gloves and a cape to prevent friction burns.  At the top a sign read, “No bad poses.”  Midway I committed a bad pose, a near-square hair pin bend lodged this much longer than usual customer.  Soon after we returned to the hostel, did near enough nothing – eating Shǔtiáo (French Fries, homemade and more like wedges), a sweet and sour pork dish alongside rice and another dish.

 

I said formerly that I ought to cite the walk among the monkeys.  I shall now try my best to convey my emotions at said occasion.  In Staffordshire (U.K.), I once wandered amongst a large troupe of mostly tame monkeys – none shown any signs of trepidation and exhibited very little interest in my being.  That being an area of captivity, I’m not surprised.  Seven Star Park (Qīxīnggōngyuán), sits on the eastern bank of the Lí Jiāng river.  It is 40 hectare of land and some additional areas for a small zoo.  The zoo has no links to some wild inhabitants of the park.  The park essentially has two hills, Putuo Hill with four peaks and Crescent Hill with three peaks.  We entered the park via the southern gateway over the olden (Song Dynasty) Floral Bridge (over the Xiaodong river). Later that evening we exited via the same bridge, walking via Dragon Retreat Cave and its many stone tablets (ancient stone tablets arranged like a forest, called Guihai beilin).  The park also is home to Tuofeng shan (Camel Hill, it looks like a…).  The main attraction for locals is a cave opening allowing cool air to funnel up from deep into a sheltered passageway.  Here, seemingly half of Guilin’s senior inhabitants materialise to sit down.  Just prior to this a small group of monkeys passed within metres of the pathway we walked down.  Two bold males walked amongst tree-trunks searching for food.  The group then appeared to budge along the low trees and up a rocky face.  Gone.

Minutes later we encountered another brash male, foraging on the verge of a pathway.  We walked on after he disappeared.  Not long after two castigated males wandered amongst the more populated boating lake and hutted shopping area of the park centre.  We watched amongst the many onlookers.  The monkeys eyes spying their own kind high amongst the trees far off.  This pair clearly unwelcome amongst the other scampering clambering monkeys.  At this stage, I was mildly fascinated, thinking of the animals as only partially wild, restricted by lack of peaceful uninterrupted habitat.  That soon changed.

Nikki and I decided we would scale the largest peak of the park around dusk.  The view at the top surely would make the best vantage point of Guilin and its surrounds.  One brief patch of aggression by a male monkey almost made us turn around.  Instead we routed a loop around the monkey and it’s close at hand troupe.  In fact we could make out one female and a juvenile.  We managed to pass without cause for concern.  On trotting a pathway upwards we approached a T-junction, a big group of monkeys to our left blocked the trail.  The right course led up much sharper to the hill’s stone walls on our left and rolling forestry to our right.  Up we went.  After ten minutes we hit another fork in the track.  Just as we were about to proceed left I noticed it.  First leaves started to shake from above, then an occasional flash of fur.  The monkeys were heading our way.  Onwards rumbled the trees.  We backed away around a corner, observing every motion possible.  Nikki and I agreed my estimates of twenty or so individuals up in the canopy.  On the ground several female monkeys foraged.  Juveniles swayed from branch to branch, many younger than a year old.  A female passed with a youngster clinging to her underbelly.  The head, tail, and clutching limbs appearing like a massive furry growth.  Most passed by slowly, others stopped to strip fruit from nearby trees.  None paid much attention to us.

 

The sensations that filled my head were exhilaration, pleasure and joy.  At the back of my mind was a doubt, a partial agitation and deep tension of unrest.  How would we get away from a group this big, if they did not like our presence?  I gripped my water bottle for comfort and false defence.  I could squirt an aggressive monkey – or at worst use it to bat anything away.  I did not and never want to do such a thing.  Instinct had set in.  Fight or flight?  Flight no longer was an option, beneath us several small males scaled the steps and walls.  Above us the pathway was cut off completely.  The group of monkeys now easily totalled 50, mostly females and juveniles – now with one colossal and aggressive looking male.  We decided to stay put.  The joy turned to worry soon after, the males had spotted us and were curious.  Just as we were ready to march on through the troupe, a cough echoed up the stairways.  Within seconds a bare-chested primate launched himself up the stairs.  His short hair soaked to the brow with sweat.  His eyes quizzical as to why two outsiders stood blocking his pathway.  We skirted aside to allow him to pass.  We followed the local man immediately upwards.  He was confident.  It was as if he did not see the monkeys.  With this we followed his footsteps, “one step, two step, three steps forward…” through a breaking, not fleeing, group of monkeys bound for higher ground.  As this happened, our unaware elected leader and guide headed off the path, far too much for us to follow.  We steamed through beyond the dominion of the monkeys.

On enjoying the sunset at the peak, we could see the monkeys at the top of several peaks, settling in for the night and enjoying their freedoms.  Long may it continue.

The wheels on the bus go…

2014-08-19 04:22:30.0

I can now count the days at Kindergarten on half a person from Norfolk’s hand [you can change this to any other region you consider genetically indiverse].  Yes, a whopping three days remain.

Returning to work after a week off is often tough.  This time was no exception.  That said, since starting work on 13th February, we have had a three day weekend (we had to work an extra day at the weekend) and a three day weekend before our holiday.  That’s a massive 7 working days off since we started.  I’m used to 28 days and 13 flexible hour days off.  The change has actually been very easy.  As it stands Nikki has to work next week – but I may not.  When Dao Ming re-opens is anyone’s guess!  Next week, the week after… pass.

On returning to Oxford Flying Kindergarten and my K1 class, I had a new pupil Jessica – who replaced Justin (who returned to his family’s native Taiwan for two weeks holiday).  Immediately on entering the school bus from the neighbouring kindergarten to Dao Ming, all the kids’ energy levels shot up a notch.  I’d clearly been missed.  Whilst my temporary replacement (Taniesha) seems to have gone down well and been respected by the teachers, I doubt she allowed the students to be so boisterous.  Punches and cuddles sprinkled down with affection and vim.

Arrival meant a quick dash to the office, styled as a fish tank, to print off flashcards and material for the week ahead.  A quick dash to the nearly unused and possibly secret western toilet on the 2nd floor – and then classes began… the teachers Silence and Zhou Tian Qin had gone on two weeks leave.  In place were many newer teachers with no real English skills.  In the nursery class Kiso who speaks a slight sum.  A new teacher, Sofia, arrived from teaching in Malaysia and Singapore.  She has to be the most fluent English speaking Chinese national I have ever met.  I’d later discuss subjects such as Buddhism, working in foreign countries teaching English, why western men marry Chinese women, why Chinese women tend to want western men, and the height of Mount Everest.  All this was discussed before lunchtime.  It turned out Sofia would assist me and Jonlin in class.  For three days we were also observed by the head teacher/principal.  Four teachers in one room will always make five students quiet.  It was an awakward week.

The Monday morning’s arrival, like most kindergarten mornings, was met with Tommy dragging me to the playroom to select a football, a hula-ring and a running baton – before a mad dash outside, ten minutes of kids of varying shapes, sizes and degrees of enthusiasm straining unawake mind.  Outwardly I’m all, happy, smiley and bubbly.  Hidden away in the interior are imaginings of that extra hour in bed.  Not that I feel tired or want to get up late often.  I don’t know what it is, but something here is better and much more relaxing than the U.K. working world where expectation and targets grasp you like a rabid monkey carrying a sack of peanuts up an oak tree.  I was advised by Jonlin, that the new student, in K1 class, I thought was called Timmy had no name – and was promptly named Ben by Taniesha.

The week at Oxford Flying Kindergarten flew by.  By way of leisure Nikki and I joined the pub quiz in a team alongside two Aussies and Tim from New Zealand.  We drew the quiz.  A tiebreaker was used.  We undervalued the requested quantity of the total weight of the four bar staff (one of which is Icy, she is very tiny indeed; April doesn’t have much to her by way of mass; and the other two I don’t know them, but I am confident I could bench press them), Irene and Marcus.

A light 20km bike ride for Nikki and I on Thursday was followed by a night in on Friday.  Saturday, we went for a walk, mostly into Houjie (for series 7 and 8 of Dexter).  In the evening we watched the New Zealand versus Australia draw in rugby union.  Irene’s Bar had a lovely barbecue – which was a fantastic way to relax, drink and enjoy the passing storm.  The bottle of rum we invested in seemed to vanish.  Global warming.  T.J. (Trevor) thinks I should get my name down for a hip replacement as soon as possible, or maybe even have it done in China (it’s only 28,000RMB!).  I didn’t at any stage indicate  I had any hip problems.  T.J. from Australia, his wife from Vietnam and two others left around 10pm for a show in the hotel over the road.  They returned 15 minutes later.  There was a semi-good band on.  There wasn’t anyone watching.  Marcus and Irene invited us out for Sunday Lunch, Chinese style.  We obliged.

After meeting Marcus, Rock (a big American bloke, I nicknamed Mustard Man the Nemesis sometime ago – who turns out to be okay), Craig and Bronny (a couple who infrequently frequent Irene’s Bar), a mate of Marcus, several bar staff, Irene and some of her family we made the short journey near to Shuilian Mountain Park.  Here we had food at a massive wooden banquet hall complete with air-conditining.  Our group split into two – utilising two huge tables with the glass rotatable  sharing mixing decks.  Irene, and her family, decided the food for us.  Knowing that most westerners dislike chicken feet, eating bones and questionable animals organs they ordered at least two dozen dishes.  The food was incredible.  Sichuan dishes added spice, Hunan food richness and other more local tastes gave great variation.

After a good meal, a pleasurable walk is often ideal.  Our group wandered through the neighbouring funfair with rides such as the Chafing Saucers and one ride based on chariots crossbred with laser tag.  In the hour that followed, I tried my best to pay Irene for the meal.  It is customary for those who invite you out for food to pay.  Irene and Marcus would not let me pay.  We’ll have to invite them out for food soon!  We soon returned to our apartment, put our feet up and capitalised on our air conditioning for some time.  This was followed by a short bike ride out of Houjie towards Daojiao, curtailed by fading light – and growing hunger.

This week I am joining a football team in Dongguan for training at Soccerworld (former training ground site of the now defunct Dongguan Lanwa Football Club), next door to 22,000 empty seats that could earn the nickname, The Chinese Old Trafford.  First of all I just need to get to the address of 东莞市南城区体育路3号 523011.

Kicking Off in Dongguan

26th August 2014

As always the weather here has been hot.  The highs have usually been around 35°C and the lows 30°C.  The weather is too consistent.  Something I never thought I could ever say being British.  This sub-tropical heat is something I have stuggled to get used to.  I am just about starting to push my body more without feeling like I am going to pass out.  Meanwhile, Nikki is complaining it is cold inside with the airconditioning unit on.  There are two doors Nikki.  Take a walk in the heat!

I’ve left writing for a while.  It isn’t down to writer’s block or any such thing.  It was purely a choice to add quality not quantity.  That said, I can’t guarantee any quality this time round.  Maybe it will miraculously appear next time.  Only time can tell.  I found the football last Wednesday night without a hiccup.  It was a simple ride from the apartment by Liaoxia Avenue to the main S256 (Guantai Road) – a massive 50 metres away.  Here on was a grind, monitoring every inch of traffic, every speeding motorbike, every weaving scooter, and anything that decided to head against the flow of traffic.  At the junction with Houjie’s North Ring Road (a misdemeanour if ever there was one – it doesn’t really form a ring around the town) the lanes are busiest.  Buses favour stopping on the corner blocking the traffic lights rather than the bus stops 100 metres in either direction.  Also, here can be found big groups of people awaiting taxis, motorbikes or coaches.  Immediately after crossing the road, signs of the new underground railway tube line are apparent.  The middle two lanes are a building site with a vast industrial crane sat upon a wide rail system.  Beyond this the road is reasonably straight, save for a minor diversion into the opposing road lanes.

My journey into Dongguan passes major junctions like Chenwu East Road, G4 Expressway entrances, Huanglin Road, Chezhen Road, and then the gargantuan Sanyuan Road.  Here the road splits into three.  An overpass single lane (narrow enough for a coach or lorry) but with no room for cycles.  No thanks.  The second road has two lanes crossing about 8 lanes of traffic at lights.  The third goes underground connecting to the imaginatively named Side Road of Sanyuan Road.  Simple enough name, but awful system of tight underground roundabouts and poorly maintained traffic lights.  Having passed this I am in Dongguan’s city centre.  Here bike lanes and pavements appear in tandem, mostly littered with quickly discarded cars for the lazy commuter.  Two large junctions later and I bank right down Tiyu Road.  The football stadium, though mostly derelict, and Sports Centre buildings are in sight.  A sign reads “Dongguan Sports Centre Natatorium” – I think to myself I wonder what that last word means.

Here the regions basketball centre, tennis and squash centres and Liehu Outdoor Club sit together.  After a few minutes cycling I find a switched off outside football area.  The floodlights off to save money and electricity.  Football does have an environmental side.  14km of riding is followed by a mad dash for the toilet.

After waiting a wee while (I budgeted an hour and half bike ride – it took 40 minutes), people start to trickle in.  Eddy, from Middlesbrough, runs the team at Murray’s F.C. (named after a local western-themed bar).  He introduced himself, two Indian chaps (Danish and Sidhant), two Brazilians (Marcelo and Fabiano), an American (Dav, in a City shirt, but not an actual fan of watching games), a Chinese lad (Terence Ng), a Parisian (Nicolas), a Spanish man (Rogerio), Peppe, Werner Wentz, and Eduardo Maria.  Of the 13 of us, 12 would play in a 5-a-side game, with rolling substitutes.  It panned out I only had 5 minutes on the sidelines as everybody wanted more and more rests.  We played for 2 hours and 15 minutes straight.  I was warmed up from the bike ride.  I didn’t do bad, but not great and certainly not awful.  They use these sessions to play irregular games locally, saving the commitment of entering a league – here, where there are so few leagues.

From this game I was asked to play on the Sunday evening in a 7-a-side game against a local team.  I said, “Why not?”  Off I tootled on my bicycle ride home.  The only cyclist on the road that night with either lights and a helmet was me.  I raced scooters back.  The 14km journey back wore out the muscles in and tired me out so much that during the night I awoke with double calf cramp.

My final week of Oxford Kingdom Flying Kindergarten (also known as Xiaoniujin Fulaiyin Kindergarten) shot by like a jet.  On the final day the students, reduced to three, as Tommy was not in and Doris had gone home early had a mini party.  The students from the baby class joined them.  Profuse amounts of sugary candy, bitter cold meats, and chilli-infused crisps disappear by ravenous children fought fiercely over tiny tenures by way of wrapped packaging control.   A few goodbye photos had been taken, but sadly deleted whilst I was playing with my phone Friday evening.  Sofia and Jonlin, my co-workers for the weeks I spent there will be missed.  I do hope to keep in touch.

The Thursday evening Kiso/Chenwanna, Jonlin, Sofia… and the other teachers treated me to a barbecue meal in the streets of Chenjiafang (just behind the school).  Sat under a big old tree, lit by bright lights and relaxing on old plastic seats with two dogs wandering amongst my feet scavenging for leftovers was more fun than I ever thought it could be.  Listening to the teachers (all female) talk in Chinese about fashion, make-up and putting questions to me over anything and everything was most amusing.

During the week Nikki had gone to the quiz.  I had not due to football.  We went to Irene’s Bar Saturday evening and drank an entire bottle of rum.  Why not?  During the day we spent it in Dongguan at the largely named 6th China International Animation Copyright Fair.  This featured a cartoon procession, Cosplay competitions, a pen spinning league competition and other performances.  In the main atrium of the Dongguan International Conference & Exhibition Center sat around 2500 booths.  Businesses to do with tourism, sat alongside education outlets, science fiction bookstalls and graphic novel retailers.  Computer gaming was present but not as prominent as I expected.  With regards to creations seen in the western world, little characters would be recognised.  Frozen, The Smurfs, Despicable Me, Iron Man and the Transformers are doing well in China.  The rest, I have barely heard of.  Two Zhuai Mao superheroes have made it onto our shelf, for only 50RMB.  Oh and I had to get a wind-up bird that flies like a kite on the way in (another 20RMB gone).  Masks?  “Yes, please I’ll have 4”  (“25RMB please.”)  The fair was fun, if not a little zany.  My highlight was seeing a bamboo/porcelain bicycle.  For 17,600RMB it can stay in my dreams.

On Sunday, I cycled the 14km to play football, again at Soccerworld in Dongguan.  I’ve not played much, barely had any kickarounds since leaving Norwich in January – and certainly nothing to get the blood pumping and feet sliding.  Two games in one week would be a big test.  It was.  However, it was surprisingly good.  Our team only had 7 players.  The opposition had two substitutes.  We played a team made up of one Chinese person and 8 Africans.  We won.  We conceded a few late on, but the final score was 13-4.  Afterwards, I was asked to play again on Wednesday at a rooftop 5-a-side pitch somewhere in Jiu Xibian (a suburb of Dongguan).  We’ll see how the legs are come tomorrow after the 14km return cycle ride in scorching evening heat…

The oddity of it all

26/8/14

Why do I love the English language? This sentence says it all:  All the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life.  Grammatically it is correct.  Structurally it is perfect.  Yet it does sound stuttered and cluttered.  Whilst I may have friends (Jon Porter-Hughes – the namedrop is to test something out) who can strip a sentence, re-jig it and spit it out in many meanings, the science of English and physics of the mind dictate, if you got the message, then it was clear.

 

This semester I aim to teach a few odd phrases.  Not to confuse, simply to infuse life into the content.  The phrases include:

  • I chopped a tree down, and then I chopped it up.
  •  When I tell you pick up the left rock, it will be the right one, and then only the right rock will be left.
  • Groucho Marx, “One morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas, I’ll never know.”

 

Chinglish is a made-up word I hear banded around by many foreign nationals.  I certainly see bad English translations, mistakes and phrases meaning good knows what on signs, shirts, television etc but I think it is pretty negative to draw on mistakes.  If you asked me to write a sentence in Mandarin characters or even in pinyin I would be jittery, baffled, bewildered and undoubtedly would jot down gobbledygook.  That said some mistakes, lost in translation or other, can be especially funny.

 

The body language of most Chinese is generally not relaxed, slightly coiled and ready to go.  During my time here, I’ve been introduced and applauded.  I believe it is customary to clap back.  I did anyway.  Age and rank are highly respected but judging who is older or most senior in a rankings is hard, so with my western ways I simply be polite and treat all equal, whether the cleaner or a head of a section within the school.  I know the Chinese dislike to be touched by strangers.  You never see hugs, locked arms, back slapping or handshakes.

When people walk here there is never any whistling or finger clicking – tapping away to tunes plugged into earphones hidden away.  This is considered rude.  As are handerkerchiefs.  Disposable tissues are always to hand.  The oddest one for me in that the Chinese point with an open hand.  They never point with their index finger.  This confuses me, and I certainly try not to point, but for me, this is too instinctive.

 

Well, I start back at Dao Ming Foreign Language School on Sunday at 0830hrs.  Liam arrives back from the U.K. tomorrow and is off to Oxford International Language School (about 5km away in Tingshan.  Bryony and Becky also arrive back from the U.K. to rejoin their kindergartens.  A new colleague from Worlda is expected shortly for Nikki’s school.  There are many interns expected too.  Shortly, all systems will be set to go, go, go.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

#backoffbuckets

29th August 2014

So, Aunty Susan nominated me for something that seems to have hit the globe like a massive meteor.  The Ice Bucket Challenge.

I don’t normally forward these sort of things or go into it.  Often when you read into it, there is good reason to scrutinise.

That and I hate popular phases and fads.  Nike Air Max, never had any.  Gangnam Style, couldn’t give a damn.  Trolls and Tamagotchis, grow up.  Furbies, how do they barbecue?  Anyway, slap charity with it or a good cause, and my interest is captured.  Not that I’ll give up pennies, yuan or Hong Kong Dollars easily.  I like to question.

On reading further that ALS (USA) /MND (UK) had problems allocating their recent surge in funding, I started to question.  Then you see how much is spent on admin etc, and not research, treatment or support.  They do fantastic work, but there is too much lost here.  I can’t waste water in China, it is wrong on too many levels.  People in this region have families in far off provinces suffering major droughts and water quality problems.  The water here cannot be drank from the tap, it is often contaminated with good knows what.  This week alone, our tap water has stank fishy, had a chlorine scent or come with many added bits of dirt.  So I had a gander at alternative charities and challenges.  Matt Damon used toilet water, and did it to promote water.org.  Matt Damon, “Now for those of you like my wife who think this is truly disgusting, keep in mind that our water in our toilets in the west is actually cleaner than the water that most people in the developing world have access to.”  I agree.  However, the toilet cistern refills with clean water.  I needed proper waste water.  This is easy to find in South China.  That said the concept of charity and chucking gunk over yourself is not, risk management and disease control should always play a part.

The 72 year old inspirational Professor Steven Hawking’s challenge was accepted for him by his family.  Mine are too far for me to duck the challenge.  I’m also thankfully not at high risk of pneumonia, not in 35°C heat.

So here is the challenge.  With waste water.

Production notes:  I also managed to cause a small burst to the 20L XL waterproof bag and had to empty it into the 15L Large waterproof bag.

And here is my donation to Dr Kershaw’s Hospice.  To quote their website is too easy – and too clinical, but for me and from experience they looked after my Granny Ivy and the family around her in her last days.  Thank you to all involved there.

In memory of Granny Ivy 1925-2014.